It’s 10pm. I’m sitting on my couch with a million things I have yet to do and a million things I want to avoid. And that’s ok. I’m tired. Exhausted. Emotional. Shaky from too much coffee. Too tired to sleep. Instead of being productive today, I was very much unproductive. I thought about doing a fun little project. Catching up on laundry. Sweeping the floors. But in all honesty, I was just too lazy. Too much life is happening right now.
It’s funny. When you’re adopting, you know you’re going to be looked at under a microscope. And you are ok with that, because it’s part of the process and it’s what you signed up for. Some days are easier than others, but slowly it starts to drain you.
This week, the smallest thing happened. I was told we would have to get rid of our coffee table. It was too much of a safety hazard. I felt myself burn up. Really?! I mean, after all our kids have been through and this coffee table is a safety hazard? My husband built this coffee table. He did a dang good job. Seeing it everyday reminds us of some small accomplishment. It’s small, but it makes us happy. So, we put the coffee table away because it’s worth it. Our kids are worth it. It’s just being under that microscope that bothers me. Walking on eggshells. Trying not to make any mistakes that parents make everyday. It begins to take a toll.
I just can’t wait until this is all over. When I can love my kids without feeling eyes peering over my shoulders. Where I don’t have to account for every bump and bruise. Without kicking myself for not being a little bit better. For not having eyes on the back of my head. For not having four arms instead of two.
But I do have one heart. A big one. And I love my kids more each day. I am grateful to be a mom to these precious babies.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
I loathe this feeling. The eggshell exhaustion is the worst. Thinking of you and your family, and praying for a quick as possible ending to the intense scrutiny.
GOLD / cantaloupe / 6703 posts
Praying for peace and comfort for you guys. I cannot imagine what you are going through.
coconut / 8279 posts
I can’t even imagine. But soon things will settle and you’ll get to do/feel all the things you are wishing for.
(it’s a beautiful coffee table, by the way..)
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22276 posts
Wow I can’t even imagine, hang in there…you are doing great!
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
Oh, I’m sorry! We had a couple of these during our process with our son. For us, it was over silly things… but it just always made me an angry/sad mess. You are right… it is TOTALLY worth it. But still, it always got to me that someone else had the power to tell me what I could and couldn’t do/say/display. Hang in there… one day it will be something you fondly say to your spouse “Remember when…”
GOLD / papaya / 10206 posts
You are doing an amazing thing, staying strong through all this scrutiny. Kudos to you!!!
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
Hang in there, you’re doing a wonderful job.
cherry / 119 posts
it’s a beautiful coffee table! maybe one day, you’ll be able to give it to your kids, and it will have a beautiful story behind it.
i also love that cupboard in the corner! can i ask where that’s from? thank you!
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
Hugs, mama. It will get better.
We bade ours farewell, too … in its place now — two ratty gray ottomans. Alas.
GOLD / apricot / 315 posts
It really is a beautiful table. Sending good thoughts your way, and hoping that the under-the-microscope time passes quickly.
guest
What a beautiful table. And what a beautiful act of love.
guest
When I saw this post. I thought “I want that coffee table!” We have a 7 month old who is pulling herself up on everything. I never even considered it would be a safety issue. Everything could be a safety issues I guess….but babies are going to fall and bonk themselves-it just happens.
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I know sometimes when you are so full of emotions one little things seems like. Huge deal. Since our adoption was contested for a year it felt like we were under a huge microscope. In addition to all our home study interviews we had to go see a court psychologist and they “tested” us to see if my son had bonded to us. It was humiliating and exhausting. All I can say is the day you sign those papers will be a huge relief. The microscope will be gone and you will be a family. Just hang in there! I am sending good thoughts your way
cherry / 190 posts
Wow, I’m really surprised they deemed that a safety issue! Seems pretty innocuous to me. In fact, I just found a nice slab of wood in my dad’s barn, and I totally pinned the image of this table as inspiration! So tell your hubby he should still be proud of it. He did a beautiful job! Now off to take some measurements…
coffee bean / 41 posts
I’m sorry you have to go that, I can’t imagine having to walk on eggshells like that for so long. We don’t have a coffee table either though, it had sharp corners and my oldest would just pull off those cushiony corner protector things you can buy. So I just got rid of it, we don’t have side tables either because my youngest will climb and stand everything. Basically we have no where to set drinks or anything in our living room…
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
Wow! I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. It seems so silly when the kids are actually in a good home where they are loved and cared for to have something like a coffee table be a “problem.” That said, I think the way you love them and make sacrifices, even a piece of furniture, is a really beautiful thing. I’m so cheering you on and joining you in looking forward to the day when the microscope is gone and you just get to be a mama without dealing with all of this on top of the already big job of raising your kids! Hang in there!
Oh, and I love the coffee table! I hope it can make a reappearance someday.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
Ah the eggshells, though I will say that I think they must be 1,000 times worse when you are interacting with the foster system. This too shall pass and you’ll be able to be family without the microscope at some point, hopefully soon!
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
oh, hugs, momma…the homestudy process is crazy and i can only imagine how much more there is when you are fostering to adopt…hoping all of this scrutiny comes to end and soon and you can just love on those sweet babies without anyone coming to take notes. hang in there!
GOLD / olive / 69 posts
Thank you everyone SO much for your comments. After reading them all, I feel so much better. It was just one of those weeks where everything went wrong and this was that cherry on the top! So thankful to have you ladies to talk to! Thanks for your compliments as well – my husband is flattered you guys like it so much
XOXOXOXO
@MRSVIVIAN My husband and I found it at an antique store and repainted it. It was an old 40s console TV that was gutted. We now use it as a TV stand and it hides all our electronics.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
yikes. That’s such a beautiful table. It must be so hard to be scrutinized so closely, when others aren’t! I’m sorry…
blogger / cherry / 247 posts
this just seems really hard. i too love the coffee table (and see no hazard!) just bring it back once things are finalized