At the grocery store yesterday, I saw a mother take a baby food jar off the shelf, open a package of spoons from the hanging rack and feed her baby right there in the aisle. When I saw that little unwashed spoon heading into the baby’s mouth, I immediately went a little crazy inside. The judgy feelings were off and running. The germs and the chemicals and the lack of proper eating routine… blah blah blah.
Then I stopped. That baby was not my baby. The choice of how and when she ate was not my own. Not to mention that I didn’t know any background on the situation. It was however, my decision whether or not to judge her.
As moms, we are under pressure from the moment that we figure out we are pregnant. I think my first thought after the excitement wore off from the positive pregnancy test was I hope I am going to be a good mother. It is natural and normal to feel that way as you are embarking on the most amazing, challenging journey that will change each and every aspect of your life.
When you have a baby, sometimes you’re made to feel like not loving every minute of it makes you a bad person, or even worse, a bad mother. Complaints are quickly followed by, “It’s all worth it for this little person.” Questions and comments from other mothers are the worst. Are you breastfeeding; are you co sleeping; why are you not doing fill in the blank. Sometimes we’re made to feel like we have to defend each and every action we make, and if we do not make the one that whomever we are speaking to has made, it is the wrong one.
In the early days when I was using a combination of formula and breastfeeding, I never told anyone I was doing both. I still hadn’t accepted my choice of not breastfeeding exclusively, and felt ashamed that I didn’t do it 100% of the time. I felt like a fraud every time someone said to me “good for you” upon hearing that I was breastfeeding. My personal favorite question by strangers was “Did you have an epidural?” I did, but do you need to know that?
One of the things I took the most slack for early on in my motherhood journey was keeping our newborn daughter home with us and not allowing visitors in the early days. People could not understand why I did this and why I chose to have only my parents and my husband at the hospital as well. To this day I try to keep my daughter’s life as calm as possible. My choice is to, at least for the foreseeable future, revolve around her nap times and bed times. For my daughter, who is easily overstimulated and sensitive, I feel that this is what works for her. I am also still uncomfortable with many people holding our daughter and often keep her with me. People view this as me being a helicopter mom and overprotective and have told me so many times. I say so be it.
Some people may view my having my newborn sleep in her own crib in a separate room as dangerous, sleep training as horrible (I now say sleep routine), or using formula to supplement as a detriment to her health and judge me as a mother based on that. I wouldn’t think that is fair so why should I judge this woman who was feeding her little one in the store? In the end, I decided an understanding smile was much more appropriate than a disapproving raised eyebrow.
When it comes to parenting, what have you felt judged on or found yourself judging others about?
coconut / 8279 posts
YES! all of it
I feel like the most pressure/judgement is that that I put on myself. I had all these ideas and all this (too much??) education of how I would be with DS before he was born. And then he came along and it’s been one wild ride ever since.
I truly believe that every baby is different and you need to do what’s best for your LO and family.
grapefruit / 4817 posts
I only felt pressure/judgement from outsiders for the first few months. Now, at just 11 months into this adventure, I don’t allow myself to feel that way. I really could not care less what other people think. I can only think of what I feel is best for my son and for my family. Every baby, every parent, and ever family is different.
blogger / apricot / 424 posts
@rachiecakes: oh every baby is so very different! I too had the “ideal” motherhood plan in my head and had to rethink so many of those ideals when my little one came along. I think the fact that we are able to redirect and adapt makes us pretty wonderful don’t you?!
kiwi / 643 posts
Absolutely. And you’re so right…it starts the second you get that BFP.
Let’s see…
– I had a 1/2 a glass of wine when I was 7 months pregnant
– I opted for a c-section when given the choice
– I tried breastfeeding but gave up after three weeks; my twins are now exclusively formula fed
– Both babies have been in their own room since they were 2 weeks old, and they have been in the cribs since 8 weeks
– I “nap trained” (didn’t CIO, but still), when they were 3 1/2 months
…and the list goes on.
I say WHO CARES!?!?! My babies are happy and thriving, and so are DH and I. I try to remember that when I’m tempted to judge another Mom, (because yeah…I’ll admit it…I do think things sometimes). In the end, as long as you and YOUR babies are happy, and you aren’t abusing/neglecting/willfully screwing them up somehow? All is good.
blogger / apricot / 424 posts
@bree72: You have given me hope that soon the opinions will quiet down! I agree that we are hardest on ourselves though, like you said.
blogger / apricot / 424 posts
@twoofeverything: LOVE all of this! Happy babies and parents are best result!
grapefruit / 4817 posts
@Mrs. Tea: I’m glad. I was so embarrassed when I gave up breast feeding at 12 weeks, but I got over it. I had to because my baby was on formula and was still awesome. As long as you’re doing your best (and sometimes that means just getting out of bed), your baby will be happy and healthy.
clementine / 958 posts
In the beginning, I felt like people were judging me any time they asked a question about my parenting choices. The longer I’m a mother, the more I realize that a lot of those questions are because people are trying to make conversation and don’t really care what your answer is or are just generally curious but not actually judging. And even if someone chooses to judge me, I choose to be confident enough in my choices that I can let it roll of my back (usually!).
And I’ve totally given my daughter a squeeze pouch smoothie in the baby food aisle of the grocery store
I took her shopping during her snack time and didn’t bring anything for her. Given the choice between feeding her in the grocery store and a crying baby, I chose food. The cashier didn’t bat an eye when she rang up the empty pouch, so it must happen occasionally.
grapefruit / 4291 posts
@rachiecakes: yes, yes, YES on too much education! If I didn’t know so much “stuff” then I wouldn’t be able to worry about what I do that isn’t by the book. I wouldn’t constantly worry about getting it wrong or creating bad habits, I’d just go by my instinct and we’d all be happier…
coconut / 8279 posts
@Mrs. Tea: absolutely! I wish I had more faith in my motherly instinct early on, but live and learn, right?
@Kemma: I’m glad I know what I know and read up on all these different methods of.. well, everything! haha
but trusting my gut and listening to DS’s needs as an individual is really what works best for us! that’s something I feel the ‘experts’ don’t tell you often enough
blogger / apricot / 424 posts
@owlmom: I am sure I would have done the same thinking back on it now!
papaya / 10473 posts
Our LO hasn’t even arrived yet and I feel judged for so many things that I feel strongly are right for our family – cloth diapering, natural childbirth, co-sleeping, etc. My MIL said she couldn’t decide if I was trying to be a hippie or a martyr.
I feel the same way you do about visitors and people holding my baby. Thinking about it ignites some pretty deep seated and intense anxiety, but I refuse to apologize for it. Instead I will hold to the premise that a happy mama = happy baby.
Thank you for your honesty! This was a great read.
honeydew / 7488 posts
How funny, I would totally be that mommy in the store feeding her kid with a brand new spoon and baby food! I frequently find myself in the store for an emergency run on the way home from work with both kids in tow (and no baby bag), and all of the sudden they get very hungry and cranky! I have many times grabbed and opened a tub of puffs and started handing them out to appease them (and then purchased of course). Or been without a diaper and wipes and had to buy a pack in the store to use. I’ve been judged on many things I’m sure, but I’m always my worst critic, so I don’t really pay anyone else any attention!
guest
Oh gosh,- the things we struggle with as Moms! I am not exclusively breastfeeding my LO. I cosleep. I baby-lead. I’m still a new mom, and I feel there is a lot of pressure to do x,y & z. It took me many weeks to come to terms that my husband and I are doing what works for us, not what someone else thinks we should be doing.
blogger / apricot / 424 posts
@grizz: happy mama=happy baby is so very true! Proud of you for sticking with what you believe, even with your MIL
blogger / apricot / 424 posts
@T-Mom: GAH! I promise I only judged for a minute before I gave myself a little mental “Wake up lady” slap upside the face!
We are our own worst critics for sure as Moms, we always seem to think we should be doing better don’t we!
honeydew / 7488 posts
@Mrs. Tea: Don’t feel bad, I was totally not trying to make you feel guilty.. those are the times when I berate myself for not having a spare diaper on hand at all times, I mean really, how unprepared am I?
honeydew / 7504 posts
We are definitely our own worst critics. I constantly have to remind myself that I do NOT need too defend my decision to get an epidural, even though my goal had been to labor and delivery without medications. And why should I have to make anyone rise agree with our decision to cloth diaper – they’re not the ones changing him and doing the laundry! But I also have to remind myself that our decision to put D in his crib in his room at 5 days old is not better than my friend’s decision to keep her baby in her room until he was 1. Every baby, and every mama, and every family…we’re all different!
coconut / 8305 posts
I think I may be the only mom on earth that hasn’t felt guilty from onlookers judgments. lol
I ff G, sleep trained, drank occasionally while breastfeed.. which I gave up around 12 weeks, had a very “unnatural” birth, and the list goes on. With P I’ve done almost the exact opposite. Still I never felt guilty about how I parented G. Idk… I guess I’ve never really cared what onlookers thought & if they “knew something” that I didn’t then I’ve welcomed the information.
Being a parent is tough regardless of how old our lo is & the way I see it, we do the best we can with the information we have at any given juncture. Not much more than you can do!
GOLD / pea / 24 posts
@mrs. Tea thank you for a great reminder not only to not judge others, but to trust in ourselves.
@owlmom I agree with you on the questions as a convo starter. I know I’ve asked other mothers about their births, breast feeding and other parenting questions, just out of curiosity, or, research! I guess I didn’t think about how the questions were being interpreted!
persimmon / 1345 posts
I was at an outside mall and there was this mom and grandma pushing two strollers, a newborn and a toddler. Both the mom and grandma were smoking as they were pushing. I didn’t mean to but I totally was judging them.
guest
Being a parent has made me so much less judgmental. In fact I have surprised myself with how flexible I am with parenting. I was so thankful to get pregnant and then safely deliver him that I pretty much just skipped over reading the parenting books that I’m sure would have driven me a little batty. I just make it work for my son based on his needs around the basic structure we’ve created. Knowing this, I think it’s allowed me to stop judging and realize people just have to do whatever works for them.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
I have been thinking about this subject a lot! Like that moment for you in the grocery store, I’m going to do my best not to judge.
olive / 55 posts
I try to remind myself that parenting is a lot like religion or politics — people believe different things, and usually feel very strongly that their way is the only or best way. It’s best to just accept that people are different and believe different things and move on.