Over the last couple of months, I have made an effort to attend networking lunches and reach out to other successful working mothers (for whom I have the utmost respect) to hear about their experiences as female leaders, and as working moms.
In all honesty, I have just been wanting to hear from other more seasoned working moms that it is entirely possible to 1) be a great worker and 2) be a great mother. While I acknowledge work can and often does provide a much needed “break” in the day, it does not keep me from missing my daughter each and every day. On the flip side, I know I would not have as many opportunities to miss her as a stay-at-home mom, and knowing myself I would probably be clamoring to get back to the office. As mothers, we are all in the trenches and nothing is ever easy.
But I just asked her one:
“My working mom friends have shared that they never feel like they are giving 100% to any one area of their lives (work vs. family). Would you agree?”
And she went on to share a bit more background about her work and her family, some suggestions for working moms, and an anecdote. She was always there for her kids’ scheduled meetings and events: sports games, awards nights, concerts, parent-teacher conferences, etc. Even with her busy schedule, she never missed a single event. What she did miss were are all of the unscheduled moments: being there when her kids fell down; witnessing all of their milestones first-hand; taking them out to movies after school; collecting sand on the beach for a school project.
She cried. And I cried.
How unprofessional.
What I have gathered from these women are some suggestions I hope will be helpful for other working moms:
- Support System – If you are going to be successful at work, you need a strong support system. For many (myself included), their primary support comes from their spouse/partner/significant other. I can confidently say I would not be where I am in my career without my husband’s support and encouragement. When there are evening or weekends I am required to work, he will play single daddy for the day without hassle or complaint (and vice versa). There are many others in my “village” who make up this support system, and give me confidence as a working mom each day.
- Childcare – You need to have a good childcare system in place, one you have confidence in, and caregivers you feel comfortable with leaving your child during the day. I have been extremely fortunate to have my family around to watch Baby Checkers these last two years.
- Draw Boundaries – Leave your work at work. I will be the first to admit I am terrible at this. My first mistake was connecting my work e-mail to my iPhone so I could always be connected. What I must remind myself is nothing needs to be answered at 10 PM. The work will still be there when I arrive at the office in the morning. Evenings and weekends are for my family, and I want to be fully present when I am at home.
- Self Care – As mothers, it is our natural inclination to put everyone else’s needs before our own. And as a working mom, when I come home after a full day of work, I am in a rush to get dinner on the table, give Baby Checkers a bath, play, begin her bedtime routine, clean the house, and rest before I do it all over again the next day. By 9 or 10 PM, I want to do nothing. And so I let my body atrophy whilst snacking and watching trashy reality television shows or playing games on my phone. This is another area in which I would like to grow – in taking better care of myself, spending time in life-giving friendships, and doing things that energize rather than deplete me.
- Be Proud of Your Work / Love What You Do – This is more of a luxury than a necessity/tip/recommendation, but it does help to love what you do at work. I am proud of the work I do, and this helps fuel me to continue doing what I do.
Do you have any tips for handling the work-life balance?
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
Excellent post! I agree with everything you’ve written.
Self care is the most difficult for me to carve out time for. I will be honest, I can’t get up any earlier than I already do to get to the gym, even though it would make me feel soooo much better. I am trying to make a committment to myself this next month to get back on track.
pear / 1837 posts
I will add that it really helps to find an employer who is supportive of this. I don’t love everything about my job and my company, but it is a GREAT place to work as a parent. There’s a ton of flexibility in when/where you work as long as you’re getting your work done well, and there are lots of women and mothers in senior positions. My boss is about 12 years older than me but has kids just a little older than mine, and she only worked 3 days/week for about a year, and then moved up to 4 days/week. She still directs large and important projects, is very well-respected, etc. and her career has not seemed to suffer from the fact that she’s not there every day, and sometimes has to leave early or get in late, or take a conference call from home with a sick kid on her lap watching a movie. She sometimes has to work extra on nights or weekends to catch up, but again, as long as she’s getting her work done and done well, she has that flexibility to come in at noon after going to her son’s preschool breakfast.
guest
I appreciate your honesty reading your post. It’s a constant balancing act. For myself, I find just doing the best that I can, and getting myself out of a guilt rut (whether it’s for home or work) is the best possible thing for me. Not being hard on myself is a gift to myself, so even thought I may not always have enough “me” time, I’m at least doing ok emotionally (or trying to, anyways!). And by the way, adorable photos of your daughter!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
I definitely agree with your points, along with what @Lozza mentioned about a supportive boss. However, I do think some of those things are really hard to come by and most are considered luxuries for the working parent. I guess that’s why the idea of work/life balance is so elusive to so many!
That pic of A with the leaf kills me every time! Is she still obsessed with them?
kiwi / 511 posts
I would add something to your list of suggestions; determine if you can hire out some of your problem areas even if only for a brief period of time. Right now we have a cleaner come in once a week, because we are just too exhausted during the week to do it and on the weekends we want to be with our children not cleaning. This is something that was tough for me because I hate having people in my house, but in the end it is a sanity saver for us. As the kids get older we will probably cut back on it, because quite frankly I hate spending money on it.
And my other balance is planning planning planning. I do my best on weekends to make time with each child special while still getting things done, such as my oldest loves to go grocery shopping it is our special time. And getting my menu together, for dinner tonight it is sheppards pie, in the fridge made yesterday only needs to be heated tonight, because there is precious little time for me to cook after I pick up both little ones. So to get more time with them we eat a lot of casseroles that can be put in the oven when we get home and we are eating roughly 30-40 minutes after we walk in the door so by about 5:30. Then we can eat and play until the littlest goes to bed between 6 – 6:30 and the oldest goes to bed between 6:30-7.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
I have to agree with Mrs. Maven on her planning suggestion – plan when you’re going to do things and what you’re going to eat so that you don’t waste precious time sitting around arguing about what’s for dinner when everyone is hungry. And hire a cleaner. Oh how I wish we did both of those things.
grape / 75 posts
great post!
I agree with Maven about hiring out “problem areas” during difficult times. I am in my busiest season at work and a little house cleaning/ lawn care help does a lot to save our sanity!
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
Something I think I need to remind myself is that even when I was only working and not a mom, I never felt like I was giving 100% of myself to my work. I was able to give more then than I can now, but there were always things going on in my life that required me to juggle – planning a wedding, buying a house, family situations, etc. And if I didn’t work outside the home, I’m sure I would feel the same way about my job as a mom – I know I wouldn’t be able to be the best cleaner, cook, schedule manager, mom, and everything else that’s required 100% of the time.
I have very different priorities now that I have a son and he is my number one. I want to be there for him as much as possible and not miss out on those unscheduled moments you wrote about. Part of being a good mom is providing for my family, so I know I need to do the best that I can at work, but that’s all I can do – my best.
Oh and I also agree about hiring out some things to lighten the load – we now have a gardener and house cleaner and they help free up our weekends so we can focus on our family time.
persimmon / 1205 posts
Gosh, this post totally made ME cry too! I love my job as well, but it is a huge sacrafice that I feel daily. Great post and great suggestions. One day at a time is all we can do!
GOLD / pineapple / 12662 posts
Advice? Yes! Accept that you will never be *great* at everything simultaneously, i.e., mother/wife/work/daughter/friend. It is not possible to give 100% to all areas all the time. Something–and usually, several things!–has/have to give. As long as you are (or can become) comfortable with the notion of allowing yourself to relax a little in a couple of areas while focusing on another, you will be better able to find a workable (albeit fluid) equilibrium (competing influences are balanced . . . balanced, but not necessarily equal) between all of the areas/aspects of your life.
As an aside, I don’t like that the work balance implies that there will be an *equal* distribution of weight/attention to all areas of your life.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@Lozza: Yes, DEFINITELY! I forgot about that very important piece! My previous supervisor was so supportive and highly valued family, and I was able to take a longer than normal maternity leave (almost six month). I’m not sure I would have been able to do this with another employer.
@Mrs. High Heels: Yes. Still obsessed.
@Mrs.Maven: Excellent tips! We have house cleaners as well, and I know it is a luxury, but it helps with my sanity. We also have to meal plan and do all of the grocery shopping on Sunday. There’s no way I have time to shop after work, cook, and get dinner on the table by a decent hour. When there’s no food in the house after work, our only option is to go out (one I try to avoid doing too often during the work week).
@MsLipGloss: I don’t like it either. That’s why I put “balance” in quotations; it really is a misnomer! Everything is fluid, and priorities will shift too as life stages change and season change. I think many moms (myself included) tend to be harder on ourselves than we need to be.
GOLD / pineapple / 12662 posts
@Mrs Checkers: Definitely. Waaaay too hard. I am learning to talk to myself the way I would talk to a friend . . . but still a work in progress!
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
This. Is. Fabulous.
I’ve been struggling with some large work-related decisions recently, and this was not only reassuring to read… but encouraging me to take a stand on a couple of things.
You totally re-energized my Friday with this! Thank you!
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
@Mrs. Paintbrush: Thank you for the encouragement! =) Your comment made my day!
pomegranate / 3383 posts
Your post couldn’t have been more timely! I will be returning to work full-time in a week and a half after taking a ~15 month maternity leave. The idea of getting meals on the table, running errands and finding time to go to the gym (which I was barely able to do on mat leave) makes my head spin!
We already have intentions to hire biweekly housekeeping and to meal plan. i hope we find our groove sooner than later! You’ve provided some great tips and I’ll keep checking in for some extra tips in the comments. Thank you!
guest
Thank you for this post! These are all points that I struggle with on a daily basis as well. It takes a lot of mental self-checking to keep the guilt at bay. If I’m not careful, the guilt will tilt too far into the work arena when I’m feeling good about the time I am pulling with my family or vice versa. It’s really helpful to remember that whatever you are going through, millions have felt the same as you and have pulled through in the end. I think it always helps to remember that ultimately, our kids just want our love. As long as you are doing your best for yourself and your family, everyone will thrive on that effort!
pomegranate / 3577 posts
“What she did miss were are all of the unscheduled moments…”
AUGGH. This is a tough, tough subject. I have no idea how I’m going to handle this so-called balance. I’m in medicine and the popular opinion is generally I’m either a “bad” mother or a “bad” doctor, or both.
A friend of mine (a mom who is in the same specialty) overheard her daughter playing: “This is daddy, this is brother, this is baby! And mommy’s at work!”
This keeps me up nights.