I was raised an only child. I don’t work well in groups. When something needs to be done, I do it. Alone.
I have a system for almost everything. Cleaning, taking care of the baby, cooking. You name it. Every single activity I do, is set up for me. I approach cleaning the house as a one person job. Taking care of the baby as a one person job. Cooking…well…stay out of my kitchen.
You may wonder how I can have a successful marriage with this very individual frame of mind. My husband is also an only child. We are fine sitting in different rooms doing our own things. We love being together, but we can also function separately.
Recently, I quit my job. With very mixed feelings of happiness and sadness, I knew it was what I wanted to do. But I didn’t know that doing what I ultimately wanted could make me such an emotional wreck. I’m happy that I can be home with Isaiah. I’m relieved that we don’t have to find and pay for childcare. I’m excited to teach him things and be present for his firsts. The sadness comes from ending a very important part of my life because I feel like my job is the last part of “pre-Isaiah” me that was left. I’ve had a job for 13 years, with the exception of a 3 week stint of unemployment directly before I started this last position. I used to love leaving jobs and starting new ones, but I never left a job that I loved. With my last job, I didn’t love my actual job, but I loved my coworkers and I’ve never had that in a job before.
Now, I’m always working. When I can’t finish the dishes or the laundry, I feel like I’ve failed because I’m home all the time. That is my job now. But my last job; I was good at it. It wasn’t hard, but I really excelled at what I did. Now, everything is new. I’m still learning to be a mom. I’m trying to balance being a mom with keeping our house in order, and it’s hard.
To make a long story even longer, I need to give you some details from the past week or so. First, my mother-in-law got married. Not only did she get married, she pulled off a very nice backyard wedding on fairly short notice, which required the help of all family members. This required my husband to be at her house most of the week working on things there. Second, my husband is a big comic fan. There was a local comic-con he went to and stayed most of the day because he knew people involved. The next day was a dog show out of town. We have lots of dogs that compete in these shows. While he’s been doing all of these things, I’ve been staying home with the baby. I’ve been trying to put on my brave I-can-do-it-all face. So when he left town for the dog show, I was left at home with Isaiah to clean the house and get ready for the 15ish people we were having over for dinner that night.
I promptly had a meltdown. A crying and yelling on the phone, once or twice in a lifetime, meltdown.
A few hours later, when Isaiah and I were watching TV feeling sorry for ourselves, there was a knock at the door. Mr. Polish’s two aunts and his cousin came in and asked what I wanted them to do. This question has no answer when it is asked of a person who does everything for herself. I never think in the frame of mind that the cleaning would be so much easier if I could split it with someone. So they narrowed it down for me. One person took Isaiah, one person took the bathroom, the other took the living room and I did laundry. They saved me hours of cleaning.
For the first time in my life, I realized that maybe this independent attitude isn’t always the best thing for me. I need to know how to ask for help, and when to accept it. It’s nice when it’s forced on me, but I can’t count on that to happen.
How do you find that balance? More importantly: How do you keep the house, cook, and care for the baby? I need tips.
pomegranate / 3401 posts
one of the best pieces of advice i ever got when i was preggo was……let people help! even though i’m a control freak and like to do everything myself, i’ve (reluctantly) allowed people to help out. like my mom. she comes every saturday and brings a couple of meals which is a lifesaver.
i think if you try to set a schedule for yourself that may help. i try to schedule but hard because the little munchkin eats/cries WHEN SHE WANTS TO. but i do know that she’s the calmest in the mornings….so that’s when i put on my productivity hat and try to do everything i can.
something my husband and i figured out is i pick out the meals i want to eat and make out the grocery list…then he does the grocery shopping after work and then i make dinner for us. we do a lot of crock pot/one pot meals. super easy and we’re pretty muc always guaranteed leftovers.
okay enough of my rambling……isaiah is so stinking cute!
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
I was an only child for 18 years, so I understand the mentality. I remember also getting bossy in the kitchen when my husband and I first started living together and I wanted things done my way, but I have learned to let go. Once I had Liam, I realized there was no way everything was going to get done, even with help, so I had to let go of a lot more than I was used to. I want to be a happy mom/wife/employee who isn’t so stressed out all the time she misses the good stuff, so if it’s not really important, I let it go. Also, my husband picks up a lot of my slack, which is great.
Hang in there!
grapefruit / 4669 posts
I’m so glad you got help! You can do it! (I have been a SAHM for 2.5 months now and never could have imagined how hard it is, AAAAH!)
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
I had Little M and learned to let it go. You want to help me clean? Come on over, I could use all the help I can get! I’ve also learned to look past things that are on my to do list that take weeks or months (or years) to get done. Or at least I try.
pomegranate / 3414 posts
I’m not a SAHM nor an only child but a very independent person who struggles with asking for help. DH and I both WOHM full time and one thing that we did before kids was to divide our house into cleaning “zones.” Each day has a zone/task assigned to it and those are the chores that get tackled that day; however there are still daily things like cooking meals and dishes that have to be done but this has allowed us to not be overwhelmed with cleaning and have time for other things we both like to do (together and individually). Perhaps you could do something similar so that you won’t feel like a failure (which you are not) if Isaiah is having a bad day and you have to spend it snuggling him instead of cleaning your house. Here’s our zone schedule.
Monday – kitchen & foyer (including mopping floors)
Tuesday – living room
Wednesday – all 3 bathrooms (including mopping floors)
Thursday – stairs and all bedrooms
Friday – no chores except maybe a load or two of laundry
Saturday – laundry, grocery shopping, yard work
Sunday – no chores (we try really hard to do nothing)
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
I think it is SO important to learn to accept help. My husband and I are kinda like you. Except we do it as a unit and rarely ask for help from others. Frankly most people are so used to us being self sufficient they don’t offer to help. In the newborn days it was frustrating to say the least bc THEY in turn expected us to take care of things for them as well.
The only way we get stuff done is we do it together.
pineapple / 12053 posts
@purrpletulips: that is such a good tip! i’m going to be a WAHM in the next couple weeks (from a PT WOHM) and i need to make a zone like this. then i know what needs to get done depending on the day and i won’t be overwhelmed!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
It’s hard for me to accept help too – I’m learning to be more vocal about it though! His smile KILLS me. I’m sure you have no problem doing anything your employer needs!
pomegranate / 3414 posts
@birdofafeather: It has worked out great for us. While we really try to keep the zones on their set days, we have the flexibility to switch things around if need be; although we only do this if the switch is going to be more than 1-2 weeks.
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
Awww! I love that they came to help when you most needed it! Who told them that you needed help?
cherry / 116 posts
I really agree with what purpletulip said. I try to focus on 1-2 rooms or chores per day, while my little guy sleeps. I run errands once or twice a week as well.
blogger / apricot / 424 posts
I am with you 100% I also am not terrific at asking for help or accepting it when it comes! The meltdowns…oh yes I have them and they are not so pretty! I will be checking back for peoples tips and tricks!
pear / 1895 posts
@purrpletulips: @birdofafeather: We do something similar (not zones, but different tasks, like laundry, dusting, vacuuming, etc) and have it set up on repeat on a task list app (Wunderlist). I have to admit that I don’t always do everything (especially dusting, I hate it!), but for the most part it works and it helps make sure everything gets done!
guest
What a great family! I spend some time each Sunday planning out my week – what I’m going to cook and clean each day, what exercise I’m going to attempt, the personal admin stuff (like phone calls, dr appointments etc) and socialising. Obviously it changes throughout the week but its worked for me and being able to tick things off helps me feel productive which is something I miss about my paid job! I also try to be kind to myself, so I try to take a proper lunch or coffee break where I sit and relax and ignore all the chores. Sanity saviour (as long as baby cooperates of course)!
grapefruit / 4923 posts
Isaiah’s smile makes my heart melt. Also, it is so sweet that Mr. Polish’s relatives came to help.
I don’t know how you do it. By the end of maternity leave, I was barely brushing my teeth. Now that I’m back at work, I do what I absolutely have to do, and the rest just doesn’t get done!
honeydew / 7283 posts
@purrpletulips: Thank you for the zones idea! I’m sure that seems common sense to most people, but I tend to just think that the whole house is dirty and get overwhelmed. I think if I divide it up and put it on my calendar it wouldn’t feel like such a big job.
@Mrs.Polish: I’m glad you were able to accept some help from Mr. Polish’s family. Sounds like a godsend to me!
guest
Isiah is absolutely gorgeous!
Definitely agree with the cleaning schedule! I use a cleaning calendar where I plan out what I do each day for the month, so I know everything will be cleaned and organized at least on a monthly basis. I even put things like the laundry on it (that I know will get done) so I have the satisfaction of ticking things off my list. It really lifts my mood and helps me not to feel too overwhelmed because with a 3 y.o, a 9 m.o., part time work and a very hard working hubby the house is just never going to look how it used to before littlies!!
You will find a rhythm that works for you and your family, just take it slow and listen to your gut on what you need to factor in to feel ok. As the heart of the family (as mothers really are, as awesome as lots of dads are
it’s so important that you look after yourself in all of that child raising, cooking and cleaning. Be kind to yourself!
cherry / 175 posts
The cleaning schedule is a great idea, @purpletulips! Makes the job seem more manageable when you don’t feel like you need to get everything done in one day, just a room or two.
I’m the oldest of 9 and I STILL struggle with asking for help (although, I think that comes from being the only girl in the family and always expected to be responsible for the younger ones, lead by example, etc.). My husband is good in that regard with helping me identify when it is time to ask for assistance because I tend to continue to put pressure on myself to work harder, lose more sleep, focus more intently, give up rest time…. He’s been great about helping me balance and look to others when I feel overwhelmed.
guest
I am also used to being a very independent person and I really struggled during the first 6 months of my son’s life. I felt like I never actually “completed” ANYTHING and it was so frustrating. I was tempted to go up to women with kids on the street and ask them how they were able to cook dinner with a baby at home. I honestly couldn’t figure out how to do it. What changed? I went back to work after maternity leave (hallelujah! I am not cut out to be a SAHM) and the baby grew up. Things get MUCH easier around 6-8 months when you can actually set them down for a few minutes while you do other things.
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
I love that someone sent reinforcements! How awesome is that?! I think you have some great tips here. I have pinned so many ideas and plans around this… but have yet to put any of them into action! I find that a clean sink and counter is the one thing that I HAVE to do (because who wants to come down in the morning to a sink of dirty dishes?!) and the rest I can just “look away.” Really, I’m waiting for the cleaning fairy to show up… but I’m feeling like that may never happen!