Warning: Spoilers included!
Last night my husband and I had a “stay-at-home date night” and hesitantly chose to watch “What to Expect When You’re Expecting.” Ever since our struggle with infertility, we (mostly I) have avoided tv shows and movies dealing with pregnancy. Of course, it’s unavoidable as it’s a part of life and a pretty common theme. But, as we tried desperately to get pregnant with no success, watching both Angela and Pam get pregnant on “The Office” soon became torture, so shows like this were abandoned for a while. Once we adopted Litte Piñata, I have become a whole lot more interested in entertainment dealing with babies, but that doesn’t mean that pregnancy related things are always easy now, as it’s still a part of life where I am left out.
All that to say, our expectations were low going into the movie. We even said we’d stop it if it made us too sad or annoyed. But, we were so pleasantly surprised! It was good to see at least one couple struggling with infertility from the beginning. The characters and situations were believable, though obviously caricatured. We felt the awkwardness of the couple that got pregnant after two years of trying only to discover that his father’s young wife was pregnant with twins. We were groaning right along with them. There were so many clever lines that we could totally relate to and made us laugh out loud. It was realistic in showing the various journeys people take to parenthood, and I thought the grief of miscarriage was portrayed well (even though we haven’t personally experienced it). Hearing the fears and worries of the adopting couple was so very, very familiar to us. In all, though there was obviously a great deal of growing bellies and pregnancy talk, the issue was not glossed over, overly romanticized, and especially was not taken for granted (as it so often seems to be on TV). Because of this, the many pregnancies hurt less to watch, and I have to say, we would actually recommend the movie (although I may not say this if we were still childless).
But, another thought entered my mind as the movie closed and the couples had their happy endings with their babies. Although the “giving birth” scenes were a bit hard for me to watch, I couldn’t help but think of the women for whom those scenes must be even harder to see: birth mothers.
Birthmothers give birth to their children yet choose for them to be raised by other parents. I can’t imagine the mixed feelings they must feel when seeing movies or shows focusing on pregnancy and birth! It was something that never crossed my mind before; but what must it be like for them? To see the happy families going home with their babies, while remembering that they left the hospital without theirs. My heart aches for these women.
Our personal adoption story is a beautiful one. And we have a wonderful relationship with Little Piñata’s birthmother. She is an amazing woman and we hope to continue a relationship with her throughout his life. And that’s something she wants too. But, I can’t imagine all she must have been thinking when she left the hospital without the child she just gave birth to. Wow. What a brave decision to choose what she believed was best for her child, even though she knew it would cause her so much grief.
“What to Expect when You’re Expecting” presented five couples’ stories that were all unique in their own ways, but there are an infinite number of ways to build a family. As an adoptive parent, I am obviously more sensitive to those whose stories involve adoption. But I hope that no matter our story or journey, I will be sensitive and empathetic to those whose lives are quite different from our own. It’s so easy to assume that others view life the same way I do, but they don’t. Watching “What to Expect” made me wonder how Little Pinata’s birthmother must feel and what she must think when seeing movies like this.
I know I came a long way from “date night” to “birthmother grief,” but I think it’s important to imagine what life must be like for others sometimes. In our culture, we may think that a birthmother’s journey ends when she places her child for adoption, but that’s not true. She will always remember and love her child her whole life. When we see women out in public we may categorize them as either mothers or not-mothers, but this is not the case. There are women that have carried babies and lost them, who long to be mothers but are not, and even women that have given birth but are not the ones raising their child.
coffee bean / 47 posts
I have a friend that was a birthmother when she was in her early twenties and has always held on to the notion of the daughter she gave up. It has been very hard on her, especially now that she’s actively trying to concieve and is having a lot of trouble. She’s starting IVF in a month, which will be the end of her journey regardless if she gets pregnant or not. Her husband refuses to look at adoption as an option, although she’s open to the idea (which she also finds ironic and heart breaking). I know it’s tough for her having friends get pregnant and watching shows on TV. I was very hesitant telling her I was pregnant, too.
Thanks for posting this though. It really is nice to make you think about other perspectives. I really enjoyed that movie too, and felt a lot of sorrow for the girl that had a miscarriage.
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
Wow @Chefaimee! What a story your friend has. I hope she still has contact with the child she placed years ago. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be for her to have placed her child for adoption and now have difficulties conceiving. It’s just a reminder that so many others have difficult journeys and to not make any assumptions about others! I hope her IVF works on the first try!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Reading this made me tear up because I momentarily imagined myself in that hospital, having just given birth, and then having to give my child away…. what a perspective. My heart aches for those women too.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
I spent the first two weeks of Isaiah’s life crying off and on for his birth mother. I was heartbroken for her, and cried trying to imagine what she was going through.
I watched this movie the day Isaiah turned two months old and I bawled when J Lo went to pick her baby up.
While we were in the hospital when Isaiah was born, I looked at Mr. Polish and told him that I absolutely could not do what Isaiah’s birth mother was doing. There was no way I would ever be that strong.
I love your perspective on the movie.
GOLD / wonderful apricot / 22646 posts
:*) what a beautiful gift that birth moms give to great adoptive parents like you. it is truly a heart wrenching story of love on both sides of that relationship.
guest
A bittersweet day in our adoption journey was when our son’s birth parents signed the paperwork allowing us to become a part of their lives and raise a baby we all loved. At te hospital our son’s birth mom politely asked for more time with him which blew us away. She saw us as his parents even before the paperwork was signed but you could feel her grief and her love for him. After he was placed in our car, my husband sobbed the entire drive to back to the hotel due to the overwhelming feeling that our greatest joy came due to another couples deepest heartbreak and love. I have witnessed birth and the weeks that follow and cannot imagine the healing process for birth mothers. We have a great relationship with our son’s birth family and yet I see my son’s birth parents in him daily and think of their sacrifice. Thanks for this post! I think it’s important for all aspects of adoption to be talked about so people can understand and empathize with those who adoption touches.
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
@Mrs. Polish & @Jenna- I completely agree with you both! The time is the hospital was so hard for me because I just couldn’t imagine what she was going through. She was so strong and I felt like we were just stealing her baby. Adoption is a wonderful gift, but definitely full of loss. These women are so selfless to choose what is best for their children over their own needs. Whew. I don’t know how they do it!