This is a guest post by Kristin of Paleo Plus One and Petal and Thorn.
When strangers, acquaintances and family members lavish my daughter Sisi with attention, she rarely reciprocates; at least not right away. I find myself making excuses for her lack of charisma. “Oh, she’s just shy.” “She’s not very social right now.” “She’s a little tired/grumpy/out of it today, I’m sorry.” But by now, Sisi can probably understand these excuses I’m making. And even long before she could speak, I am sure she could read my apologetic/exasperated tone and sense my embarrassment.
Just the other day, we were in the supermarket and an old man reached out to her and said, “Hello beautiful baby!!!” Of course, she looked down and clutched her duckie blanket as I prodded her to say, “Hello! Thank you!” to no avail. Then I thought to myself, does she really need to reciprocate affection to a stranger she’s never met?
I’ve started asking myself what kind of lessons I’m teaching Sisi with these encounters. I’m teaching her that it’s not ok to be quiet or reserved. I’m teaching her that she must be charismatic and gregarious at all times, even toward strangers whom she has never met. I’m teaching her that any attention paid to her should be paid right back, and then some.
Those are the pressures I have put upon myself my entire life. I am a somewhat shy, easily overstimulated introvert. I like to be silent. I like to be alone a lot. I can drive for hours by myself without the radio on, just thinking and philosophizing. I used to think that was a nerdy, shameful way to be, but I’m just now accepting that it’s the way God made me. Sure, I can schmooze at a party, make decent small talk, or sell myself to clients if need be, but those activities are not natural to me, and therefore they drain me. I find I need lots of downtime to recharge my batteries.
I remember being so jealous of my older sister, who can light up a room with her energy and storytelling. She never seemed intimidated by crowds. Eloquent conversation came easily to her, and she could improvise and relate well to people she just met.
I am pretty much the opposite. I have a hard time socializing at cocktail parties, and I am much better at listening and asking questions that I am at talking. In fact, I would much rather write my thoughts than say them out loud because it gives me time to think and sort out my ideas in peace. These traits don’t make me the life of the party, but they do make me a thoughtful, reflective person. The world needs introverts.
Still, I’ve spent my whole life striving to be an extrovert. I’ve become really good at faking it. Those who know me might be really confused by my claims of timidity. After all, didn’t I run for student government by doing a song and dance in front of the whole school? Wasn’t I a cheerleader with great stage presence? Didn’t I win the Public Speaking award in 8th grade? Yes, by my sheer willpower to overcome my natural inclinations.
True, sometimes we just have to fake it. Ours is an extroverted society, where charm and first impressions matter, and the squeaky wheel gets the oil. If you stay in your shell where it’s comfortable, you may be overlooked and taken advantage of. You miss opportunities. But a few years ago, I started to realize I may have faked it too much and for too long, because I struggled with feeling like I had two personalities, and that I wasn’t a whole, genuine person. I also felt like my introversion was a fatal flaw to be covered up, like I needed to just get over it and start loving parties and after-church socializing, or else I’d be a bad person. I wasn’t respecting my own style of relating to the world and to others, and therefore I felt burnt out.
I believe Sisi is an introvert. She is thoughtful, incredibly observant, creative, and focused. She can read books in her room or daydream in her sandbox for hours. She is very cautious and conscientious. Loud noises, new people and places can overwhelm her, so she tends to cling to me and look down at the floor when people rush toward her with their kisses and hugs. She’s been this way from Day 1. It used to embarrass me, mostly because I worried that she was hurting others’ feelings. But is it really my two-year-old’s job to care about someone else’s feelings? Not really. It’s not like she’s a bratty, too-cool-for-school kind of kid. She can be very warm and sweet with those in her inner circle.
From now on I’m going to tell her that it’s okay to be quiet, reserved, and soft spoken. Kindness and love take many forms, and they don’t always have to come in a peppy, smiley package, no matter what the world tells us.
*I just read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking, which prompted this whole train of thought. It’s really changed my life and my self-esteem. I highly recommend it for introverts and extroverts alike! The more we understand each other, the more we will appreciate each others’ strengths.
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Are you raising an introvert or an extrovert?
Introversion and Sensitive Children part 1 of 2
1. My Introverted Child by Kristin @ Paleo Plus One2. Raising an Introverted Child in an Extroverted World by Mrs. High Heels
blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts
I loved reading this. I’m extroverted, but I have no idea what my boys will be like. Your post really hit home with me that it’s okay to be reserved and quiet. My mom is like that, yet she’s also strong, funny, & compassionate; it just take a little while longer for people to realize that. Great post!
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
I enjoyed this. Im an extrovert but my son seems to be more introverted like my husband and its a good lesson to remember that its ok to be quiet and reserved and shy Thank you
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
I loved reading Quiet, as I find myself somewhere between introverted and extroverted – thank you for sharing this piece about your daughter. I wonder often I I mistake my son’s clingy-ness for early signs of introversion, and this is a great reminder to avoid pushing my LO to be something he is not.
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
I like this! I’m definitely an introvert. I’m still like Sisi and wish I could hide under a blanket when strangers want to talk to me about my pregnancy. I wonder what our LO will be like, because DH is a total extrovert.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
I love this post. I’m an introvert, and even though my parents were both introverts, I felt my whole life that I “should” be more outgoing and felt pushed to change. I have always wished to be something that I am not.
Now with my daughter I find myself hoping she is an extrovert because I really do think then her life will be easier. Will I push her to greet strangers and be outgoing at parties? I guess my instinct would be to say yes, even though there is nothing wrong with being shy. SIGH. Your post is definitely making me think.
kiwi / 511 posts
I am an introvert that seems to present as an extrovert. My sons seem to be extroverts, pied pippers even if the collection of people that know and say hi to my oldest (by name) at daycare as we leave and this includes the older kids and parents not just his peer group. This too takes some adjustment.
I don’t think either introverts or extroverts need to always be enthusiastic, and I am sure that my two will have days where they are more subdued. That is ok but I do want to teach them that if someone says hi to them or pays them a compliment that they should acknowledge the other person and thank them, it doesn’t have to be a big show but they should recognize it because I think it is just the polite thing to do.
pineapple / 12234 posts
Thank you for this post. My daughter, at 13 months, is an introvert. It’s not just stranger anxiety even though that’s the main excuse I make.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
I truly appreciate this post!! Especially because I have dealt with exactly what you have gone through your whole life, but the opposite end of the spectrum.
I was made to feel that my bubbly, gregarious and no-fear personality was something I needed to control and wasn’t welcomed. I was told I talked to much and I needed to stop, that having no-fear was dangerous etc etc… so eventually I stopped sharing my feelings with people, and I started fearing what people might be thinking about me. I lost a lot of my free-spiritedness that so many people desire because I was almost trained that it wasn’t right. I spent my teen years idolizing my older sister who was/is introverted because I thought that’s what I should be. Isn’t that truly sad that the introverts are made to feel they need to be outgoing, whereas we are made to feel we need to be tame our spirit?
It’s a very interesting dynamic and I do know that just from my experience, I want to learn to celebrate whatever personality my son has!
guest
What a great piece you’ve written… felt like you were describing my own two year old perfectly.
My only question is, what do you now say to the random strangers? It’s hard to think of what to say to them that doesn’t put down the child in some way I find.
guest
Thank you for this post. I’m also raising an introverted child in an extrovert world. I find myself making excuses to friends, family and even strangers for his shyness. And why should I (we)? There is nothing wrong with our children.
“Everyone shines given the right lighting. For some, it’s a Broadway spotlight. For others, a lamplit desk.” – Susan Cain
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
I was thinking about writing a similar post! My daughter has always been very introverted and I found myself making excuses for her all the time and having to explain away my embarrassment (“oh, she’s like that with everyone. she’s just shy”).
Both my husband and I are introverts, so the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I am actually proud to be an introvert and don’t mind it at all, so I need to stop pushing my daughter to be something she’s not (even if it’s unintentional).
Great post that has given me lots to think about!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Also, I can relate to every word. From the way you describe yourself to the way you describe your daughter. This is so me, “Still, I’ve spent my whole life striving to be an extrovert. I’ve become really good at faking it. Those who know me might be really confused by my claims of timidity.” because people never believe it when I tell them I’m introverted. I need tons of alone time to recharge and get overwhelmed so easily. I can only schedule one event a day because packing my schedule makes me feel claustrophobic and crazy.
One thing I wanted to mention after thinking through this some more is that even though I don’t think introversion is a bad thing, I still think common courtesy is important. Maybe that’s why I feel the need to justify when my daughter shies away when adults greet her. It is important to me that she has manners and can at least muster up a “hello” or “goodbye” when appropriate. Things get easier with practice so I’m not going to stop pushing her to do those things even if she would rather hide her head in the sand.
bananas / 9357 posts
Very interesting post and topic! I’m definitely an introvert. I’ve always been extremely shy and I hate small talk and I was socially awkward for a long time. I’ve always wished I was more of an extrovert and wished my mom would have pushed me a little more. She told me my teachers would voice their concerns with how quiet I was and my mom would just tell them, “she’ll talk when she’s ready” or “that’s just the way she is, she’s quiet”. I think my son is an extrovert though. He absolutely lights up and loves when anyone gives him attention and talks to him. He gives them a big smile and then buries his head in my shoulder playfully then looks back at them to smile some more. It’s the cutest thing. He also loves to be out of the house.
grapefruit / 4311 posts
I’m totally introverted and it took me a long time not to consider that a defect. I just bought the Quiet book and can’t wait to read it!
guest
Hi All! Thanks for your great comments. A friend of mine said something genius, “Perhaps Sisi will be a warm glow instead of a bright light.” I love that!
@mrs.pen- so interesting! i hadn’t thought about the extravert’s perspective. same lesson to be learned though- we need to let our kids be genuine, and comfortable in their own skin. and we need to watch it with the negative language, even if we mean well.
A few of you mentioned the idea of common courtesy, and I totally agree that it’s important. But I’m wondering if I can teach that through modeling rather than coaxing. I am hoping that if her interactions with others are more self-led, they will be more genuine and pleasant, instead of a source of anxiety. Anyhoo, at her young age, I’m not too concerned with the fact that she doesn’t make pleasantries. I’m sure that will come with time.
Along the same lines, I’m pretty hands off when she’s interacting with her peers, too. I try not to harp on her to share or take turns, and somehow she and the kids seem to work it out and play harmoniously. In fact, seems like she is more willing to share than those kids whose parents are constantly micromanaging them and saying “sharing is caring!!!”, but it could just be her introverted/non-confrontational personality ;))
coconut / 8305 posts
I’m somewhere between the two lying closer to the extrovert end… I’d still much rather be at home & not in a place where I have to “make face” all the time….. but when I am our tend to talk to much & enjoying interacting with others (then I’m very glad to be home. lol)
Reading this though really makes me think that maybe DD is more of an introvert (like her dad). She’s so sweet & even energetic with those she’s around around but when it comes to strangers she’s spent much more of her time clinging to me & not paying them any mind. And since she was so different than mos to the other babies her age in that aspect I spent alot of time making excuses that she was tired or just woke up or was feeling crabby that day…. Now, maybe I should just be fine with her not wanting to be super affectionate with everyone that approaches her!
thank you!
GOLD / pineapple / 12662 posts
I, too, am a *closet* introvert. “Sure, I can schmooze at a party, make decent small talk, or sell myself to clients if need be, but those activities are not natural to me, and therefore they drain me. I find I need lots of downtime to recharge my batteries.” This is an incredibly accurate description of me that will help me to explain to my DH why my work stresses me out (and exhausts me!) the way that it does. Thank you for sharing.
blogger / nectarine / 2010 posts
I was going to suggest Quiet to you as I was reading this. I thought it was an absolutely fascinating book!
I was an introvert growing up but have learned to fake extrovert. But I still prefer a night alone than to anything else.
persimmon / 1178 posts
This post caused a minor crack in my heart- I just now, this very second, realized how often I am apologizing for my LO and how she deserves so much better than that.
She isn’t friendly- no smiles, waves or warmth for anyone not in her inner circle. It can be very awkward, but you know what? She still poops in public. I am pretty sure we have a long way to go before I need to worry about whether or not she is grasping all of the social niceties she will someday need to know. No more apologies for my wonderful girl.
And can I just take a moment to say: WHAT is with those people who just won’t give it a rest? How many times are you going to try to get my child to wave to you before I can get out of the checkout line?! Weirdos.
olive / 68 posts
Great post! I have always been an introvert and am married to one, but somehow our son has turned out to be one of the most extroverted, charismatic little boy I’ve ever known. This puts me in a dilemma because I find myself being forced to talk to new people and go outside of my comfort level, which is sometimes a good thing, but more often than not, very draining and exhausting! I love hearing that other people are introverts!
guest
Thanks for this post. This is something I’ve thought a lot about, and I agree that it sends Baby the wrong message to make apologies to strangers for Baby’s totally normal behavior — but what do you do instead? What do you say to those strangers who come up and coo and expect dazzling smiles?
guest
As an introverted woman myself, I can relate to the comments here. I have an extroverted daughter, so it’s kind of the opposite though in my situation, because she is the type who will talk strangers ears off, while I am the one trying to get her to stop talking and have some discretion and to basically not speak to everyone in sight, because I think that kids need to learn these boundaries, including introverted kids. And how I wish that the adults who start up conversation with kids, would stop doing that sometimes, especially when they see the parents of those children trying to redirect their children’s attention. But for more introverted kids, it’s a bit different because while they also need to learn these boundaries, they also need to learn that at some point it will be important to talk to strangers if they are ever in a situation where they are lost and need help, etc. So learning social skills are important but learning about discretion is also important. But in general, I don’t think that kids should be coaxed into talking to strangers. As adults, we don’t talk to other people unless we want to for the most part, and we don’t need anyone else making excuses for how we socialize. So in the same way, little kids are just displaying the same preferences to some extent even if they aren’t exactly conscious of what is going on in terms of their preferences. We wouldn’t want to be forced to answer to some stranger who came up and said “Hey pretty lady” or whatever other comments other people might make. If a child feels uncomfortable with that, or simply doesn’t want to respond to those kinds of comments, then I think that’s fine.
guest
Thank you so much for writing this. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past 5 years being apologetic for my daughter not bowling everyone over with her charisma. I appreciate hearing your journey with this exact issue and I’m grateful for your candour.
Cheers,
Char