As we get closer and closer to the date when your adoption will be finalized, I find myself thinking “He’ll finally be a Polish,” but all this time, you already have been.

You’ve been our son since the day we found out about you, while your birth mom was only four months along. You were ours way before that too, in God’s plan.

I want you to know that in our minds, there was never a moment you weren’t ours. There isn’t a moment that I don’t look at you and realize what an amazing life we have. You are the answer to so many prayers I didn’t even know to say.

When I go into your room before I go to bed, I just stare at you in amazement, and most times I cry. Everything about you is beautiful to me. Watching the amazement on your face as you discover a new skill, or just the look you get when you’re looking at me, is honestly the best feeling I’ve ever felt. Seeing you sleep with your little arms and hands down at your sides makes me feel whole. The sweet noises you make as you fall asleep are the most beautiful sounds I’ve ever heard. When you laugh, I can’t help but laugh too. And sometimes I cry because you’re crying.

I’m sure you think I’m crazy, and I would have thought the same thing before I  became your mom. I would have never made up songs to sing, or sang them as loud as I could for anyone, ever. I would have never gotten spit up on, only to wipe it off, and go on with my day. I would have never gotten excited about buying new wipes. I never knew this kind of love before I knew you.

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I never knew that someone without words could tell me they love me. I never knew I could have so much fun with someone who doesn’t talk to me, and sleeps all the time (that part sounds like your daddy, doesn’t it?).

When I think of how I felt when we were getting ready for you, I cry for the old me who didn’t know you. I cry for her emptiness, but not because she knew what she was missing, but because she didn’t know what she was missing without you. She had no idea how you would complete her life, and now that I know, I want everyone to know. I want all couples who try and try to have babies of their own to know that everything they’re going through is worth it. Once they get to the end of their journey and they see their very own baby, they’ll know that every second of pain was worth that very first glance. That’s how I felt the moment I saw you and you stuck your big pouty bottom lip out at me. Immediately I knew two things: I didn’t know a thing about being a parent, and that I would do absolutely anything for you.

That is why finalizing your adoption is important to me, but in my mind, it’s already finalized. There is no going back, only forward. Just like it has been from day one.

I love you,

Mama