Parenting a young toddler is hard. Colin started testing limits just after his first birthday, and has gotten more and more mischievous, much to my chagrin.  Patience was once my strong suit, but as we delve deeper into the early toddler stage, it is becoming harder for me.  Mr. Confetti made up a little ditty that we have taken to chanting under our breath when Colin’s antics are getting under our skin: “One, two, three, I’m calm as can be.  Three, two, one, I can feel the warm sun (or my version, isn’t parenting fun?).”

When a child isn’t old enough to use his words, it can be difficult to decipher what he truly understands; does he know the meaning of “no”?  Does he understand the meaning of a “time-out”?  Do I yell? Raise my voice? Cultivate my “this means business” mom stare?  At the beginning of C’s first year, these questions and more swirled through my head as I watched, dumb-founded, as my child would test my limits over and over and over.  Throwing food.  Pulling my hair. Trying to stand in the tub.

There are dozens and dozens of resources out there – books, articles, blogs and more – that outline all sorts of diverse strategies for addressing discipline and difficult-to-deal-with behavior, but most of what I have found is geared more to children ages 3 and up, occasionally for 2’s.  Of course, when I asked our pediatrician about it, I got the advice that I expected. Toddlerhood is a time for learning and testing limits, he said.  He suggested that until two, redirection is one of the only effective tools, and we could try time-outs, but only for dangerous issues like kicking, biting, hitting, or touching something truly dangerous like a hot stove.

I wanted to run through some of the tips and tricks I have experimented with and share what has worked and what has been… less than successful.  And of course, I would love to hear from everyone in this boat in the comments to hear what works and doesn’t work for you in your house.

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Who me? This angel baby needs discipline? You betcha!

Redirection

At 12 months, redirection was a challenge but it was doable.  Since C was four or five months old, he had an extremely fine-tuned sense of object permanence, and for the same reason it led to intense separation anxiety, it made him consistently return to the desired object we were redirecting away from – the cable box, the television remote, and every other non-kid friendly object in our house that had magical toddler appeal.  With some major distraction, a room change, or a loud dancing rendition of the ABC’s, I could usually shake his brain off of whatever he was fixated on (figuratively, of course – no shaken babies over here at casa Confetti).  By 16 months, redirection was barely doable, and was rarely a happy ordeal, and now, as we approach 20 months, redirection is all but null.

Offering Choices

I love the idea of empowering a toddler who feels like he has little control of his surroundings.  The idea of offering two healthy choices for lunch so he picks instead of saying, “It’s lunch time now, and you have to eat X” makes a ton of sense.  HOWEVER, with young toddlers, this is not always as simple as it seems.  We’ve been trying this with Colin, and he is just easing into understanding the concept of picking one.  We would ask, “Do you want blueberries or grapes?” and he would say grapes.  Then, if we asked a minute later, “Do you want grapes or blueberries?” he would say blueberries.  Turns out, it was a pattern: he would always say the second item offered.  He was just repeating the last word we said.  He wasn’t feeling empowered, he was just developing his verbal skills by repeating.  (Hand to forehead).  Now, he is starting to understand the concept of choices, but says “No” to everything – ah, the joys of toddlerhood – so I still find that the “offering choices” solution is not ideal.

Time-Outs

Everything I have read suggests that time-outs don’t really resonate with young toddlers until age 2.5-3.  With the time suggestion of one minute per year of age, C would only be in time-out for one minute at this point, but the idea of putting my child in a corner, him actually staying there, and understanding why he is staying there seems so far from where we currently are.  What I have experimented with is giving C an emotional time-out – basically a time-out from the attention of Mommy.  If Colin kicks me mid-diaper change, I will say, “we don’t kick Mommy” and then basically give him the cold shoulder for 30-60 seconds, which is enough for him to start shouting “hugs” and he acts apologetic (he hasn’t mastered the word “sorry” yet, though he is slowly grasping the connection between the word and the feeling).  These emotional time-outs (which is probably not the right way of describing them, but I haven’t figured out a better term yet) have been the most effective tool in my “discipline” tool belt so far.

Ignoring the Tantrum

Similar to my “emotional time-out” when C is acting out, when things escalate to a full blown tantrum, many advise that the best course of action is to simply ignore it.  It is true that so much of the tantrum comes from a quest for attention, and for us, this is hit or miss.  Sometimes, when I make sure that C won’t hurt himself and then step away and ignore his antics, he gives up and calms himself down.  But other times, when it isn’t simply about attention and he is truly mad, he will escalate, and all the ignoring in the world won’t stop the yelling.  I do my best to attempt to ignore the tantrums, mostly because when Colin is all riled up, he truly can’t be reasoned with, so nothing I can do helps.  But sometimes, he just needs a big bear hug and comfort so I can help him regain his composure, and we can move on from there.  Also, ignoring the tantrum is extremely hard for me to do when we are out in public.  These public meltdowns are still fairly new for us, since C is a huge fan of people watching and seems more content when we are out and about, but I know I will have to toughen up and come up with better strategies for managing public tantrums if and when they become more frequent.

Counting to Three

This is something that I have seen work wonders with older kids, and I remember, as a kid, being terrified of what would happen if my mom got to the number three (um, nothing?  a time out?).  While Colin understands counting, I don’t think he would understand why counting equates discipline at this stage.  I really haven’t tried it yet, and would love to hear from other moms who use this method, to understand how you teach your child about it and how you employ it successfully.  In the meantime, when Colin is fussing over being impatient (since toddlers have minimal understanding of the passage of time – like how it takes time to cook the food that they are demanding), I can usually calm him by having him help me count while we wait (for the microwave usually).  We count nice and slow, and usually by twenty, whatever he is freaking out over is ready, and he is happily counting instead of shrieking – win/win.

Clear, Direct and Logical Consequences

Toddlerhood is a time for testing limits, and what I find most frustrating is that my strong-willed child will test the same limits over and over (and over and over).  I have found that in certain cases, I have been really effective in making a connection in Colin’s head between actions and consequences.  This is extremely difficult because it requires parents and caregivers to be consistent every single time, and if you give in just once, it undoes all of the progress you have made.  An example of this is standing in the tub.  When C was cruising and an early walker, he loved to practice his skills everywhere.  Right off the bat, Mr. Confetti and I made a “no standing in the tub” rule.  The moment C stood up, bath time was over.  After a dozen tries at this, he gave up and stopped trying. Now, we’re fighting a new tub battle – drinking the bath water (ew!!) – and we try to be equally consistent. He is still pushing our limits, but hopefully this will soon be another victory (seriously, hopefully soon!).  What I think helps in these cases is that the “punishment” reflects the “crime.”  Standing/drinking in tub = bath is over.  Same goes for throwing food: when you throw, meal is over.  Feeding the dog = meal is over.  Young toddlers only comprehend consequences that are obvious and logical based on the action.  Drawing on furniture = no more crayons.  Throwing toy = no more toy.

“Toddlerese” and the “Fast Food Rule”

These are tips from Dr. Harvey Karp, author of the Happiest Baby/Toddler series.  He equates toddlers with little cave people, and teaches parents to speak to toddlers at their level.  When they are wailing and whining, often they will understand you best when you reflect their emotions and, like a fast food employee, repeat their order.  When they are whining about wanting something they can’t have, instead of calmly saying “no” and why not, Karp says to whine back and using short sentences to repeat the child’s frustration and then say why not.  This is one of the quirkier strategies I have heard about and employed, and for us, it is hit or miss.  I haven’t figured out why it doesn’t always work (probably because toddlers make very little sense), but I still try it sometimes.  The “fast food rule” of repeating your child’s request tends to help, but honestly, the “toddlerese” whiny communication doesn’t sit well with me.  I don’t love reinforcing the whininess that drives me nuts.

Picking your Battles

My dad always reminds me of my childhood and how my sister and I knew what rules were the “big ones.”  Even I, with a very very bad memory, can tell you that it was absolutely forbidden to eat food outside the kitchen.  Ever.  Like, even still today, with a kid of my own.  My parents emphasize the importance of picking your battles, and I agree.  Just as my pediatrician said that you should only give time-outs for things that are dangerous, I don’t feel the need to fight discipline battles over every little thing.  While I have no intention of being permissive, I don’t want to be a punitive parent either.  For now, most of our discipline revolves around bath time, safety concerns (like touching the stove, cords, being safe in parking lots, etc.), roughhousing, and hitting/kicking (which thankfully is only directed at mom and dad).  Over time, I am sure we will have other issues come up as well, but Mr. C and I will decide together which battles are worth fighting to win the war (of raising a well-behaved kid, of course).

Toddler moms, I would LOVE to hear from you – what works in your house?  What doesn’t?  For those with older toddlers, when did you find that the more conventional methods clicked with your kiddo?