Hellobee

When I first heard about open vs closed adoption, I will admit that I had my reservations about the “openness” factor. I wondered what it really meant to have an “open” adoption and if that would make you feel scared as an adoptive parent. Of course, taking classes and reading books is nothing like actually living out open adoption on a regular basis, so I thought I would share our story.

The degrees of open adoption are very, well, “open” to interpretation. In some situations this means that the birthparents and adoptive parents know each other’s names and have contact through their agency. For some situations it means sending photos and letters on either a rare or regular basis. But, on the other end of the spectrum it can mean seeing each other often, or even having the birthparents come stay at the adoptive family’s house! For us, we were ‘open’ to openness, but weren’t sure what that would mean for us and in our situation. But, of course you can’t plan out a relationship before you meet somebody, so you have to go on a lot of faith and trust as you go through the process.

When we fist met Little Piñata’s birthmother it was in the hospital, one day after she had given birth. I can’t even believe how many nerves, fears and anxieties I brought into that hospital room with me! To meet my potential son and the woman that gave birth to him at the same time!? I was completely overwhelmed to say the least. But, we both had an instant connection with her. It was as if we were talking to an old friend. We made jokes, talked about our interests, and of course, about our journeys that both led us to Little P in our own different ways.

The next evening we drove the 3 hours home from the hospital with first typical first parent excitement and nerves. But, we also didn’t know what it would look like to have an ongoing relationship with Little P’s birthmother either. In our minds we had become really open to the idea of open adoption, as we would become like mentors to a young birthmom. But, that was not the case in our situation as Little P’s birthmother was an experienced mother and professional herself! (Just another life reminder to not make assumptions about people or your future). I wondered how often we would get together or contact her. Honestly, there was a lot of fear of how I would maintain another relationship in my life when I was also just learning how to care for a newborn!

Those first few weeks I had a lot of fear. What if his birthmother changed her mind? (In Tennessee she has 10 business days to do so.) What if I felt awkward around her? What if as he grew up, he wished that she was his mother instead of me? But as I had to, I continued to maintain contact with her. I actually wrote an email and sent pictures every other day those first few weeks. I did it on the recommendation of the social worker even though it felt strange to me at first. I was jealous of my other friends who became mothers and didn’t have to deal with this “nuisance.” But, oh, how naive I was! As I thought more about her and less about myself, I realized that she had just given birth and then watched another family leave the hospital with the baby! I can’t even imagine carrying a child for 9 months and then feeling like he had disappeared. I became determined to regularly remind her that he had not disappeared but was so, so loved and well cared for.

It was then that we started to include Little P’s birthfather in the emails as well. This made me nervous too since we had never met him. I was afraid he wouldn’t like us or would think we were strange. Then before Little Piñata had even turned 2 weeks old, we met with his birthmother at a local ice cream shop since she was in town for the weekend. I was so nervous she would think I was doing something wrong, dressing him incorrectly, etc. But, it was such a sweet, sweet meeting. The head of the out-of-town agency made the 3-hour drive that afternoon because we were unsure of what to expect, but after the meeting it was clear she didn’t need to be there! We told her all the cute newborn stories of all the adorable things he had been doing, how often he pooped (ha!), and how much we loved him. Although I’m sure she could tell just from our faces that we were basking in the glow of our long awaited first child. She even brought her older two sons who thought Little P was the sweetest baby they had ever seen and loved on him too. We took pictures, chatted about their interests and she shared with us a box full of pictures of her and her family, so that Little P would be able to see the genetics that he came from. She also gave us his newborn photos from the hospital. And as we drove home from that meeting we knew that although there may be awkward times ahead for us, the openness will be so, so good for all of us.

Even at that point we knew that the openness would be an incredible gift that only we could give our son. It was our choice to give him the gift of a potential growing relationship with the woman who first loved him while he grew in her womb. The gift of information as he asks questions. And the gift of a biological connection so he will know where he came from. Oh how he grew in our hearts while we waited for him to come to us, but there are some things we just cannot provide for him and we are grateful that he can receive these things from his birthmother.

I know that not all adoptions can be so open. We definitely would not pursue openness in the case where it would be unsafe for our child. And in many cases (especially international adoption), it’s actually not possible to have a relationship with a child’s first family. But, we have been blessed with a good situation that we have felt so comfortable with. A situation that often times feels too good to be true. So, from those beginning days, despite my fears, worries and awkwardness, I am so grateful we chose to be open. I can think of no other woman that I love and admire in the same way that I do Little Piñata’s birthmother. Her courage, bravery, strength and love inspire me. I see parts of her every time I look at him and I’m grateful for that. When fears or worries about our future relationship creep in, I remember that additional people pouring love out on our sweet son can only be good for him. We have no fear of her trying to get him “back.” After all, it was her decision to place him for adoption and she has told us many times that we were the answer to her prayers for her son. How can that not bring tears to my eyes? Without her we would not be parents, so for her, I am eternally grateful.

To be continued…