I’m struggling. I had a miscarriage last August and went on clomid in October. I stayed on it for three cycles, then decided I wanted to take a break, but still try to get pregnant. When AF arrived at the end of that cycle, my husband encouraged me to try clomid again, so I did. Now that this cycle has ended, I’m not sure where to go from here.

I’ve read that taking clomid for several months in a row can thin the lining of the uterus in some women, making implantation difficult or impossible. I’ve also read that in order for the lining to build back up, a woman needs to be off of clomid for at least 6 weeks. My gut tells me that I should stop taking clomid and try to get pregnant without it, hoping that it has jump started my body to ovulate regularly and that my lining will build back up (not that I know it’s thin, I’m just guessing) and I’ll get pregnant. I got pregnant without clomid last time (with our loss), so I know it’s possible.

I’m taking clomid with a prescription from my OBGYN, not an RE. My insurance doesn’t cover a visit to an RE, and since I got pregnant with Liam on clomid, unmonitored, I decided to try that again. If I had an RE, they would be checking the thickness of my lining, but my OB doesn’t do that. He said I can take clomid for 7 cycles before I’d need a break. I’ve only taken the lowest dose and my progesterone levels after ovulation are always above the normal range, so I know it works to help me ovulate.

The other problem I’m struggling with is feeling so so sad as each new cycle begins and I’m still not pregnant. My due date for the pregnancy I lost is coming up in a month, and I’d been hoping that I would be pregnant before that. Not only am I dealing with emotions due to TTC for more than 7 months, but I’m still dealing with that loss and thinking about how pregnant I would have been at this time and how Liam would have a sibling just in time for his 2nd birthday.

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression most of my life and have seen a therapist off and on since I was in high school. I started seeing a new one when we were TTC the first time and it was taking longer than I had hoped, and she has helped me work through a lot of things over the last few years. I last saw her right after AF showed up last month and now that it’s back, I just don’t know if regular therapy is enough for me anymore. I’ve always been resistant to taking an antidepressant, but I’ve been researching them in the last couple of days.

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I just want to be happy. I want to be happy at work, I want to be happy for my husband and my son, I want to be happy with friends. I have happy moments, but overall, I don’t feel like I’m a happy person. I’m hesitant to go on medication, not because I think it makes me weak or anything, but because I don’t want to deal with any side effects or have to put TTC on hold. I know there are some medications that are safe for TTC and pregnancy, so I plan to look into that further. I also don’t want to have to take medication for the rest of my life and I worry that once I start, I won’t be able to stop.

For now, I’m going to make an appointment with my therapist and my OBGYN. I’ll talk to both of them about all this and get their advice. I also would like to sign up for a yoga or ballet class. I haven’t taken either since I was pregnant with Liam, so it would be good for my body and my soul to get back in to something like that. It’s my birthday next week, so I’ve made an appointment to get my hair cut (it’s been about 8 months), and I’d also like to make some time to get a pedicure and buy myself a new outfit. These things won’t fix my problems, but they’ll make me feel better about myself, so that’s always a good thing.

One other thing I’ve noticed is that I always feel the worst right when a new cycle begins. I’m usually feeling better after about a week, then I start feeling bad again at the end of the cycle, when I feel AF symptoms. Maybe I only think I’m always unhappy because I’m unhappy now. Maybe next week I’ll feel better and realize that it’s just during these times that I feel so low.