We. Are. Four.

Really, need I say more?! We. Are. Four… Together. Finally! We’re feeling every emotion under the sun as we navigate our new family dynamic. There’s joy and there’s sadness. There is hope and there is fear. And there is a lot excitement and uncertainty too. But overall… there is just a feeling of peace. Even when there are two kids screaming and crying, dinner burning, and the realization that ohmygosh-I-forgot-an-appointment-today… there’s peace. (And clearly, very little blogging time.) This is what we’ve been waiting for. This is what was meant to be. We have finally become four.

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We’ve been home for two weeks now. While part of me wants to write the typical line of “at times it feels like two days, and at others it feels like two months…” I can’t. I know what two days looked like (it wasn’t pretty) and I vaguely remember what two months post placement feels like… and it’s not this. I think we are pretty much right where we should be at two weeks home. There are moments filled with joy, excitement and amazement that there is another little one in our home… and there are moments filled with tears, anger, sadness and a dash of hopelessness. But you know what?! All of this is exactly how it should be. I know it to the core of my being. It will all get better and all of these emotions and experiences we are going through “now” will make for a much, much stronger “then.” But until we are there, it’s a mixed bag of emotions. One that I am smart enough [this time around] to embrace with all I have.

The transition has gone better than we expected. Much better. But it’s still been very, very hard. It’s hard on everyone, but especially Pint-Sized Picasso. It’s a whole new world to him. New sights, new sounds, new smells, new language, new everything. He has not been waiting for this for years, and to him… this is not a joyous occasion. This is a completely overwhelming one. Everyone in the adoption process tells you, “These kids are so brave.” And you kind of just nod your head and murmur agreement. Then you actually go through it and think, “Holy. Cow. This kid is SO brave.” Yes, there have been tears and frustration and looks of “You people are doing this all wrong!” But overall, he’s rolling with the punches and seems to have accepted that this is his new norm. He’s been using the Korean terms of “Umma, Appa, and Hyung” to refer to us. (Mother, Father, and Big Brother.) He’s already understanding not only our garbled Korean, but our English too. He’s already signing to communicate. He’s already got the daily routine down. He’s already navigating his way into our hearts and home. He’s already finding how he fits with us. (And the rest of us are finding our way through this all with him.)

Which means that every day there seems to be a little less anger and sadness and a little more joy and excitement. Slowly, we are learning what it’s like to be four… fulfilled. Smiles are a little brighter, laughs a little deeper. There’s still grieving… but I think—I hope—that it’s getting a little less intense. Maybe, just maybe, Pint-Sized Picasso is realizing that we aren’t so bad after all.

So many people have said, “Your journey is finally over!” And all I can think is “Are you kidding me?! It’s only just begun!” Our adoption process is over, yes. (Well, we have a few post-placement reports to do…) But our journey to “family” is just beginning. This is truly the best of times, and the worst of times… and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. We are finally four. Together. Figuring out how we will become one family.

Now, I cannot even tell you how exciting it is to finally (finally!) introduce you to Pint-Sized Picasso! I’ve been waiting a loooong time to share some photos with the hive…

Author’s Note: Don’t get me wrong, there has been joy and smiles throughout our days… but let’s be honest here. International Adoption injects a tiny being—an individual—into your family. This child comes with a personality and preferences. They are old enough to know that they have lost something very, very important… but not old enough to fully understand it and process it. I’m doing my best to honor that, and to be honest about this time. There is so, so much joy… but there is also so, so much sadness. We are celebrating our family becoming four, while grieving the loss of his other families. It’s hard to experience, and even harder to write about. I hope to write more in-depth on transitions and attachment… but for now I’m trying to just cherish and protect these first few weeks. 

Baby Paintbrush’s Adoption Journey part 14 of 14

1. Just when you least expect it... by Mrs. Paintbrush
2. Winning the {photo} lottery by Mrs. Paintbrush
3. Packing it all in... by Mrs. Paintbrush
4. One by Mrs. Paintbrush
5. The Birthday Box by Mrs. Paintbrush
6. Mile 18 by Mrs. Paintbrush
7. Making a list, and checking it twice... by Mrs. Paintbrush
8. 163 Words by Mrs. Paintbrush
9. Tis' the Season... by Mrs. Paintbrush
10. We're leaving on a jet plane... by Mrs. Paintbrush
11. Christmas Care Package by Mrs. Paintbrush
12. The Waiting is the Hardest Part... by Mrs. Paintbrush
13. It's "go" time! by Mrs. Paintbrush
14. Finally Four by Mrs. Paintbrush