I’ve found that as my kids grow, I’ve had to change up our methods of discipline a bit to fit with their age.  At age 1, there wasn’t much discipline going on, and a lot of redirection. At age 2, we started implementing time-outs, which we called “calm down time.” She did not seem to mind time outs, and even willingly put herself there at times, but it was still very effective for us because it helped her calm down and recollect herself. After the “time outs” were over, I would give her a hug, tell her I loved her, and tell her why she was put in time out. Then all was forgotten and she’d happily go about her merry way.  It was a good reset for all of us.

Then age 3 hit, and the defiance, willpower, and opinions got even more intense. A simple time out wasn’t cutting it anymore, and it did not calm her down as easily as it once did.  Something shifted in her too, and she suddenly hated time-outs.  This was when we turned to 1, 2, 3 Magic. I had read this book when Noelle just turned 2, but when we tried it at that age, it didn’t really click for her. Now, whenever she doesn’t listen to us I will immediately start counting, “1… 2…”, and I rarely have to reach the count of 3 before she starts yelling, “waiiiit!!!” and does what she’s supposed to be doing.

In 1, 2, 3 Magic, the authors also distinguish between START and STOP behaviors.  You only want to count 1, 2, 3 on STOP behaviors such as whining, teasing, tantrums, arguing, etc. These are things that you can nip in the bud right away.  Stuff that only takes about a second for them to stop doing.

What you don’t want to count is START behaviors (behaviors you want your kids to START doing) such as picking up after themselves, getting up in the morning, getting dressed, eating, homework, and bedtime. It takes a lot longer for them to do these things, and these are the types of things you’d want to reinforce through positive reinforcement. Basically, you want to stop obnoxious behavior, but encourage positive behavior. Things like reward charts, timers, praise, and natural consequences work much better for START behaviors.  For us, using a timer has been really effective in promoting START behaviors in our daughter.

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The book goes on to emphasize that the two biggest discipline mistakes parents make when dealing with young children are 1) too much talking, and 2) too much emotion. The “too much talking” part is definitely a struggle for me. I always find myself reasoning and negotiating with her, and it can be exhausting… and sometimes I don’t even know if I’m getting through.

Their reasoning why excessive talking is bad is because “thinking of kids as little adults and then chattering away in a discipline situation is bad because excessive explaining makes kids less likely to cooperate by irritating, confusing and distracting them. Endless chatter also leads to the Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome.”  However, they do emphasize that explanations are appropriate in certain situations, especially if those situations involve anything new, unusual, or dangerous.

Of course, sometimes counting all the way to three doesn’t make sense, especially if it involves anything physical. If my daughter engages in any sort of physical aggression (such as hitting or pushing), it is immediate time out. After every time out, I always give her a hug, and tell her I love her.  She usually apologizes, and when she says, “I’m sorry” I will ask, “why are you sorry?” to reinforce that she really understood the reason for her time out.  She’ll respond with something like, “I’m sorry I threw play-doh when you told me not to”, and we hug it out some more.

With that said, there are several benefits to this method…

1.  Saves energy (and breath!) – All you have to do is start counting, and they knoooow!

2.  Your authority is not up for negotiation – What you say goes.  For a while there I was explaining to my daughter every rationale behind every decision. It.was.exhausting.

3.  The “punishment” is short and sweet – Time-outs are very reasonable as far as punishments go, and really… they’ve been given fair warning!  It’s nice to have the bar set and the baseline expectations understood by all parties.

4.  You move on quicker – The whole ordeal is over within minutes, and everyone can move on and have fun without any hard feelings.  Things aren’t such a battle all the time.

5.  Easy for other caretakers to learn – It’s easy to teach to others, which allows consistent discipline regardless of who’s around.

Have you tried 1, 2, 3 Magic?  What discipline methods/philosophies have worked for you?