I’ve found that as my kids grow, I’ve had to change up our methods of discipline a bit to fit with their age. At age 1, there wasn’t much discipline going on, and a lot of redirection. At age 2, we started implementing time-outs, which we called “calm down time.” She did not seem to mind time outs, and even willingly put herself there at times, but it was still very effective for us because it helped her calm down and recollect herself. After the “time outs” were over, I would give her a hug, tell her I loved her, and tell her why she was put in time out. Then all was forgotten and she’d happily go about her merry way. It was a good reset for all of us.
Then age 3 hit, and the defiance, willpower, and opinions got even more intense. A simple time out wasn’t cutting it anymore, and it did not calm her down as easily as it once did. Something shifted in her too, and she suddenly hated time-outs. This was when we turned to 1, 2, 3 Magic. I had read this book when Noelle just turned 2, but when we tried it at that age, it didn’t really click for her. Now, whenever she doesn’t listen to us I will immediately start counting, “1… 2…”, and I rarely have to reach the count of 3 before she starts yelling, “waiiiit!!!” and does what she’s supposed to be doing.
In 1, 2, 3 Magic, the authors also distinguish between START and STOP behaviors. You only want to count 1, 2, 3 on STOP behaviors such as whining, teasing, tantrums, arguing, etc. These are things that you can nip in the bud right away. Stuff that only takes about a second for them to stop doing.
What you don’t want to count is START behaviors (behaviors you want your kids to START doing) such as picking up after themselves, getting up in the morning, getting dressed, eating, homework, and bedtime. It takes a lot longer for them to do these things, and these are the types of things you’d want to reinforce through positive reinforcement. Basically, you want to stop obnoxious behavior, but encourage positive behavior. Things like reward charts, timers, praise, and natural consequences work much better for START behaviors. For us, using a timer has been really effective in promoting START behaviors in our daughter.
The book goes on to emphasize that the two biggest discipline mistakes parents make when dealing with young children are 1) too much talking, and 2) too much emotion. The “too much talking” part is definitely a struggle for me. I always find myself reasoning and negotiating with her, and it can be exhausting… and sometimes I don’t even know if I’m getting through.
Their reasoning why excessive talking is bad is because “thinking of kids as little adults and then chattering away in a discipline situation is bad because excessive explaining makes kids less likely to cooperate by irritating, confusing and distracting them. Endless chatter also leads to the Talk-Persuade-Argue-Yell-Hit Syndrome.” However, they do emphasize that explanations are appropriate in certain situations, especially if those situations involve anything new, unusual, or dangerous.
Of course, sometimes counting all the way to three doesn’t make sense, especially if it involves anything physical. If my daughter engages in any sort of physical aggression (such as hitting or pushing), it is immediate time out. After every time out, I always give her a hug, and tell her I love her. She usually apologizes, and when she says, “I’m sorry” I will ask, “why are you sorry?” to reinforce that she really understood the reason for her time out. She’ll respond with something like, “I’m sorry I threw play-doh when you told me not to”, and we hug it out some more.
With that said, there are several benefits to this method…
1. Saves energy (and breath!) – All you have to do is start counting, and they knoooow!
2. Your authority is not up for negotiation – What you say goes. For a while there I was explaining to my daughter every rationale behind every decision. It.was.exhausting.
3. The “punishment” is short and sweet – Time-outs are very reasonable as far as punishments go, and really… they’ve been given fair warning! It’s nice to have the bar set and the baseline expectations understood by all parties.
4. You move on quicker – The whole ordeal is over within minutes, and everyone can move on and have fun without any hard feelings. Things aren’t such a battle all the time.
5. Easy for other caretakers to learn – It’s easy to teach to others, which allows consistent discipline regardless of who’s around.
Have you tried 1, 2, 3 Magic? What discipline methods/philosophies have worked for you?
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
Wow. This sounds amazing. I need to read this book!
pomelo / 5220 posts
I need to read this book! Great tips!
guest
So…what happens on 3? Timeout?
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
@Shenoa: Yes, timeout at 3. Sorry if that wasn’t clear in the post!
blogger / clementine / 998 posts
interesting! saving for later.
pea / 14 posts
I’ll have to save this article for late too!
GOLD / grapefruit / 4555 posts
Definitely going to be looking into this since the not-so-tender age of three is right over the horizon for us. Yeah I have six months still but I can -feel- it getting closer. Maybe this will save me a lot of hassle!
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
My friend told me all about this book and I think it does work a ton. Thank you for explaining this as I have been starting it with G. How long do you make the time-outs? and the timer to start? G hates timeouts now just like you explained
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
Added this to my reading list, thanks! I’m definitely a talker and that’s gonna not be helpful to anyone once Baby Carrot gets older.
blogger / pomelo / 5400 posts
May have to try this! I feel like I negotiate way too much (and I’m even the bad cop in our house).
guest
Thanks for outlining this strategy! My daughter is 2 and we do timeouts but I have heard that age 3 is worse than 2 so I’ve been wondering about other discipline options. Thanks again! We will be trying this!
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
I just finished this book and really love it! I’m reading “Love and Logic” now and I think we’ll be combining these methods in a way that works for us.
both methods are big on no talking and no emotion (although L&L is big on genuine empathy).
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
@Mrs. Palette: I do one minute per year of age for time-outs, so now that she’s 3, her time-outs last 3 minutes long. I always set the timer on my phone, so she knows that when it makes the beeping sound the 3 minutes are up.
For the START stuff, we use a timer to give her time to transition to the next activity and avoid stalling tactics. For example, if it’s right before bedtime and she’s still playing.. I’ll say, “Ok you have 5 more minutes” and I’ll set the timer for 5 minutes, and once it beeps she automatically knows. She just goes, “Ok – 5 minutes is over! Sleepy time”. In the book, the way they describe the timer for START activities is to set a timer and give them that length of time to finish the activity. So if they’re supposed to get up and get dressed, you say, “Ok you have 5 minutes to get dressed” and start the timer. I hope I’m making sense!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
@Mrs. Pinata: I keep hearing about Love and Logic! I’ll have to look into that book. The Supernanny is also big on “no talking and no emotion”. Seems like a popular stance!
kiwi / 549 posts
I’ve been having a ton of success with 1, 2, 3 Magic, — the technique is rock solid, IMO. But the author’s promotion on of certain gender stereotypes (that girls are more sensitive, that boys shouldn’t need as much praise, that mom was automatically the one staying at home with the kids) was concerning to me. I also thought he gave off the impression that my child is my opponent– he seemed in favor of an authoritarian household. Love and Logic points out that kids in authoritarian homes may behave well, but they go bonkers when they have to make choices on their own. Ultimately, the kids don’t learn to be responsible. 1, 2, 3 Magic does promote natural consequences to foster independence when the kids are older, but Love and Logic had ways to do it with preschoolers. Sooo — I like the 1, 2, 3 Magic in terms of technique. I did not like the author’s attitude or approach to parenting nearly as much as the Love and Logic approach.
blogger / persimmon / 1220 posts
Nice tips! We haven’t been following any books, but we try to put the fear of God in her.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
@red_seattle: I agree with your sentiments! I chose to ignore some of that because we are definitely not the “my way is the only way and you better do as your told” type parents, but the technique itself is super effective.
@Mrs Checkers: I loved your technique of prepping and giving Toddler Checkers a talk beforehand (like that one time about needing to share her toys), so have been trying to use it on N. It’s been really helpful!
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
@Mrs. High Heels: awesome, we have been doing the start correctly then! It does work well. I think L&L is really great to and like @Mrs. Pinata: I think we are combining both. What is working for me right now (along with 123) is having G come up with her own ideas of how she can solve a problem she got herself into; super fun and effective.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
@Mrs. Palette: That is a GREAT idea about having her solve her own problem!! Thanks for the tip!
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
@Mrs. Palette: YES! I LOVE that about the L&L method!
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
@Mrs. Palette: @Mrs. Pinata: Ohhh that’s directly from Love and Logic? Ok can you guys just write up a blog post about it and I’ll just follow along?
I’m on the wait list for that book at my library though, so hopefully I’ll get to read it soon!
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
@Mrs. High Heels: I’m hoping to get a post up about L&L in the next couple of weeks. I’m not done reading it though. I’ve read several toddler “discipline” books now, and so far it’s my favorite.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
i use this in the classroom and i need to be better about implementing it at home!
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
I think we do a variation of this (never read the books before) already but always a good refresher on discipline as we work on behavior and defiance at 4!
blogger / pomegranate / 3300 posts
Talking is absolutely my downfall. I talk way too much. I like the start and stop behaviors too.
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
1,2,3 worked wonders with S for a while… mostly because I dropped the emotion, which was all he was after! Great post.