Hellobee

Our surrogate Aimee posted a “Surrogacy 411” post on her blog after receiving so many questions about our surrogacy journey, and she offered to share her post here on Hellobee.

I’ve been wanting to do a blog post all about surrogacy for some time now, but I wanted to finish my journey first before I did. It’s always been like this secret society that only the few select knew about, and it was difficult to find information about it when I began my journey. It really makes me super sad to read so many negative things about such a beautiful thing. So I’ve made it my mission to show and inform people just how wonderful the whole process is.

Here are some of the questions I’ve been asked during my entire journey….

One of the most asked questions was, “How did you get pregnant? Did you have to have sex with the intended father (IF)? Or have a three-some with the mother to get her eggs?”
Nope, no, never. Prior to my meeting my intended parents (IP’s), they’d gone through the process of retrieving eggs from my intended mother (IM) and sperm from my IF and the embryos had been frozen waiting for transfer. There is an option of doing a fresh transfer which usually includes syncing the cycles of the woman whose egg is being used with the woman who will be carrying the baby. I’m not familiar with this way, so I don’t have any information of that side. For us it was after weeks of meds and ultrasounds showing the lining of my uterus was thick enough and ready to house and grow a baby. An embryologist came into our reproductive doctor’s room where we all were waiting, and he inserted the embryos into my uterus where it attached and grew a sweet baby boy! It’s all done through IVF… science. Not some crazy backwoods thing!

“Did you use an agency?”
Yes and no. I had decided to seek out a couple independently and found my IP’s on a classified site called SMO. When I found my IP’s, they had been going through a small agency but the woman who ran it was extremely flaky. So while we used her to draw up our contract soon after that, she pretty much dropped off the face of the earth and we all agreed to continue on without her. I really liked that better because I felt like it strengthened our relationship and helped it to be as great as it is today. I can see both pros and cons to going through an agency, but I was really happy going independently and just being the one to solve any problems if they arose, directly between ourselves. There are many, many, MANY agencies out there and each have their own rules, as well as rules with the reproductive doctors offices, but I’m a little biased towards going independently.

“Wow, I could never do that!”
I know this isn’t quite a question, but it was a common remark I heard from people. My response was always the same, “surrogates are a different breed of people and it isn’t for everyone.” And I usually just left it at that. If they’re already in the mindset that they can’t do it, typically it’s difficult to get your reasoning across. I just always had the desire to do something for someone that I never could be repaid for, and when I’d heard about this I instantly knew this was it. Pregnancy has always been an easy thing for me, and I wanted to share that with others who were unable to have a baby without some help. Which leads me to the next question I was asked often…

“Was it hard to give him up?”
Not at all — he never was mine to begin with. I was lucky and trusted enough to care for this very important package for 9 months until he was back where he belonged. It’s hard to explain, but I never had that connection with him like I did with my boys. I do love him and care for him, but it’s more in the way I care for my niece. And those first moments I saw him with his parents??? Words can’t describe how much joy it brought me. It was so special.

“What sort of contact did you have with your IP’s during the entire journey?”
We’d do it all: talk on the phone, email, FaceTime, text and visit each other. We don’t email much anymore because we’re texting all the time. I’ve visited them and they’ve visited us. It’s different for everyone but we have a great relationship and it’s gone far beyond just the surrogacy. We’ve become like brothers and sisters, all of us, Dave included. We are aunt and uncle to Aidan and we refer to them as aunt and uncle with our boys. I am so thankful for our relationship because it isn’t just a given and I know that it doesn’t always happen like ours has. As much as you’d hope, sometimes it just doesn’t work out and after delivery IPs and surrogates go their separate ways, which really is sad to me because it’s a life changing experience and to have people who know exactly how it feels is nice to have.

“What are the different types of surrogacies?”
I was a gestational surrogate or carrier, which means the baby has absolutely no DNA connection to me. I’m just the “baker.” In my IP’s case we used my IM’s and my IF’s DNA. There are times when an egg donor or a sperm donor can be used.

The other type is a traditional surrogate, which is when the carrier uses her own egg and either a sperm donor or the IF’s sperm. This is one that seems to have more controversy and has some negative stigma attached to it. I personally could never have my own DNA out there without me mothering him or her, but I am thankful for those who are able to do so because without them some parents would never be able to have a child of their own.

“What happens if there are twins or more? Do you get to keep one?”
Ummmm…no. They’re not mine, no matter how many there are! Nevermind the fact that I’m quite content with my 4 boys and that I don’t ever have to change another diaper if I don’t want to!! I also enjoy getting a full night’s sleep most nights!

“I bet you get paid so much money!”
This isn’t usually why women become a surrogate, because it isn’t easy and it’s a 24/7 job for many months. Just because someone has had an easy pregnancy or delivery in the past doesn’t mean that’s how the next one will be, and of course you’ll never know until you’re actually going through it!

Asking someone how much they make is just like asking what someone gets paid at their job. It’s really not an okay question to ask and it’s not something I’ve spoken about outside my IP’s and my husband. At the end of the day surrogacy isn’t really something people do for the money — you’ll typically find that surrogates do this because their hearts are in it.

Also, because IP’s have chosen to have a biological child of their own and gone the surrogacy route, that by no means means they’re rich. Many times they’ve saved and/or lived frugally for years, gotten help from family and friends, taken out loans or depleted retirement accounts in order to be able to go this route. Infertility doesn’t only happen to the rich and famous, it isn’t glamorous by any means and this is usually the last way they want to have a child that is biologically theirs.

“How does the legalities after the birth work?”
Prior to Aidan’s arrival my IF was in touch with a lawyer here in Portland and had a pre-birth order or declaratory judgement drawn up. It laid out that we agreed we (Dave and I) had no DNA connection to Aidan and that all the rights and decisions in the hospital and from there on out were left to his parents to make. In Oregon they require the woman who gave birth to the baby to be on the birth certificate, but immediately after they are court ordered to amend the birth certificate to the biological parents’ names. No adoption type stuff involved!

“Why would you ever want to sign up to get fat, have stretch marks, ruin your body and willingly go through morning sickness?”
Pregnancy is beautiful. End of story. I can’t even begin to go on.

“Would you do this again?”
Absolutely.

“Do you have any regrets?”
Nope, none whatsoever. Other than wishing they lived closer, I don’t think there was anything different that we could have done to make it better. It was the absolute best.

“What was the best part of your journey?”
I have so many best parts. The entire thing was magical. Seeing their faces when we had our first ultrasound and seeing the little sac with a tiny gummy bear inside, the first time we heard the heartbeat, hearing the excitement in my IM’s voice that day we found out they were expecting a little boy, seeing his chubby little face on the 3-D ultrasound, watching the thrill of feeling him kicking for the first time.

But my absolute, hands down, most favorite part is this:

The moment they watched their long awaited, so prayed for son arrive.

Obviously at that moment I was a little preoccupied, but I’m so thankful for my photographer friend Rachael from Rachael May Photography was able to capture this gem for us. I love, love, LOVE this! Now I really enjoy and catch myself staring when he’s in their arms. It’s so amazing to see them in action and kicking ass at the whole parenting thing!