I’ve always heard of the “work/life” balance, but really never paid any attention to what it meant. My husband and I are both incredibly driven people, understanding of each other’s career ambitions and the sacrifices needed to get to where we want to be. But bringing a child into the equation is still throwing me for a loop. In the weeks leading up to returning to my job, I had so many emotions about going back. I wanted to spend every waking second with Baby Sea Otter, watching him learn new things and seeing him grow day-by-day. I cried for an entire weekend before heading into the office, and even once I was back at work, I thought about him for most of the day. It was not the most productive time at work for me.
This hasn’t changed. I still think about him all day, show off new pictures to my co-workers, and can’t wait to get home. I look forward to evenings and weekends with him and my husband, and try to plan as many things as possible to do during our time together.
Here’s the kicker: I love my job. It’s fun, it’s challenging, and I have great co-workers. I have a constant need to take on more, to prove myself, and to progress. But without having figured out this “work/life balance,” I have no idea how to accomplish everything. And I know the answer is that I can’t accomplish everything. Every parent needs to make sacrifices, and my family comes first. But still, I have this need to keep moving forward career-wise.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom, and I loved it. I grew up with many of my friends’ mothers staying at home too, and so the thought of working and having a family is still a bit of a foreign concept to me, as silly as that seems in this day and age. I’m so grateful for the sacrifices that my mom made for us, and I worry sometimes that my job will somehow make my son feel not as loved, or not as valued.
In an attempt to find more free time, I’ve temporarily stepped back from a lot of the extra activities that I’d been doing for years. I’ve been an active volunteer, both with my sorority alumnae group and with Junior League, as well as being pretty active in the community. There’s no doubt that I’ll be able to partake in these activities again, but for the moment I’m finally learning how to say “no” to things. I wish I could also say “no” to things like cooking, cleaning, and laundry, but unfortunately those are still on my list.
I definitely don’t have all the answers, or really many in this case. I know that there are people out there who also struggle with maintaining their identity as a parent and as an employee, so I wanted to share some of the thoughts I have in hopes that others will come forward to share their own experiences, fears, and advice.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
I’m in the same camp – I love my job and can’t see myself being a SAHM, but I also needed to step back and find a balance, which can be hard during very busy times at work. Thankfully Mr. Carrot steps in whenever I need to be away or need to put in a late night, but it’s definitely a hard juggling act. Right now the biggest thing that’s suffering is our eating – we forgo cooking and resort to takeout and boxed meals, and it’s making me really cranky but it’s hard to get back into the groove of getting into a routine with cooking again. Good luck, there’s lots of us here with you!
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
It’s a bit different for me because I don’t love my job as much as you do and I would be a SAHM in a heartbeat if we could afford it, but I will say that leaving Liam has gotten easier. That first year was sooooo tough. But now, I know that he’s well taken care of, he feels loved (by many people besides just me, which is so good for kids, too), and he is thriving. I have definitely let my job take a back seat to my family because that’s where my priorities lie, but I need to work to provide for us, so I do the best that I can without spending our family time stressing about grading papers or whatever. Lots of hugs!!
kiwi / 511 posts
Confession I used to be a workaholic, in college I worked two jobs while going to school full time. My first job out of college I could make over time, so I did and worked the equivalent of 1 full time and one part time job (This was fantastic for paying down student loans). My next two jobs (one was previous and the second is my current one) were 40-50 regular jobs, and then I took on a part time job again. After I achieved my goal of making enough for a down payment on a house I quit it because my next part time job was home repair/improvement which is what I wanted.
Then I met my now husband and work didn’t hold so much of an appeal. I liked the challenge of it, I liked the social aspect of it but it no longer was my raison d’être it was just a part but not all of me. Something that allowed me to do the things I wanted to do. Time past and we got married and more time passed and had kids. I am not sure how came to this balance before kids but I guess it was because I finally found something that I liked better than working all the time and I didn’t need to run and hide from life by being at work all the time.
I am in the position that I don’t love my job (nor do I hate it) I am not sure I could be a SAHM either. I do like to challenge myself and have found that there are many ways I can do this. I also figured out what made me happy and prioritized things, my DH did the same and we set out to live that life to the best of our abilities. For me it was a priority to have family dinners and once we learned of food allergies this meant an end to a lot of convenience foods. I don’t want to be defined by my job that just wouldn’t sit well with me, I am so much more than that. I challenge myself to be defined as me this includes a part of me that is a wife, a mom, a sister, a friend, a woman, an employee. I don’t have to prove to anyone including myself that I can be superwoman. My life is a series of chapters, I don’t regret things that I have done in my past but I don’t continue living them unless they suit me in the current chapter. What I wanted 3, 5, or 10 years ago is not the same as what I want now. Heck 10 years ago I wanted to be a high power business executive and be traveling all over the world. I don’t want that now and it is perfectly fine to say I could do it but I don’t have to do it just to fulfill some goal to make the Mrs.Maven from 10 years ago happy if it was going to make the Mrs.Maven in the present miserable. There is a reason to write down you goals and re-assess them from time to time. You want and need different things as you go through life so it isn’t that crazy to say that some goals may stay the same and some may change.
It is cliché but you put yourself in a position that you are 80 years old and think will I regret X, whatever that X maybe. It could be working, it could be not working, it could be any number of things. I find the whole Lean In concept to keep working and go higher in the corporate ladder very one sided and actually pretty darn patronizing. I embrace a Lean In to life concept and that means don’t give a rat’s butt about what some other woman is doing, do what is right for you. Just because Ms. Sandberg finds it fulfilling to be an amazingly powerful business person doesn’t mean you (the generic you not anyone specific) will. If you do, then do it with gusto, if you don’t find it fulfilling do something else. I am Leaning In to my life and that means yes Ms. Sandberg I am happily putting myself on the slow track career wise because it is putting me on the very happy, satisfied, and fulfilled track life wise.
grapefruit / 4731 posts
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I’m not a fan of the word ‘balance’. Perhaps because I failed to achieve it.
Something always suffered and that made things worse. Instead I focus on making *brave* work/life choices. Brave because it takes guts to make decision based on your values and priorities. Focusing on the quality of my choices was something I could successfully manage!
There are so many great tips “out there” about how to find balance, like waking up before everyone else and/or hiring a cleaning lady (for those that can afford one). But I believe it comes down to mind over mater. It’s about how you use your energy, not how you spend your time. Time in finite, energy is not.
I’ve coined a phrase, Mommy Energy and wrote a book about it. Mommy Energy is a precious energy source you are given when you become a mother and you use it to get everything you need to get done, done. The power behind Mommy Energy is what makes you feel like you can and want to do it all. It’s pretty amazing stuff and it needs to be managed and protected.
It sounds like you are on the right track, Mrs. Sea Otter! I’m happy that my Google Alert for “Working Mom” brought me to your site.
Enjoy finding the light at the end of your tunnel, it’s an AMAZING experience. xo
kiwi / 511 posts
@Raindrop: So if you were given two candidates one that is doing the job well and one that was doing it well but also going above and beyond which one would you pick?
grapefruit / 4731 posts
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kiwi / 511 posts
@Raindrop: No but you did say you were no longer going above and beyond so I read it as he was doing that. I just wonder what else was going on but since you mention that you were no longer going above and beyond that could have been the thing that tipped things the other way.
grapefruit / 4731 posts
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