Even just writing the title of this post, I feel like a terrible mother.
Especially as a mother who daydreamed throughout her pregnancy about the idyllic life I would have as a stay at home mom, who couldn’t wait to dive head first into full time child rearing, who admittedly (albeit silently) judged the hell out of moms with misbehaving kids in public before I became one.
Whomp, whomp, whomp. Good lord, I was so clueless. Being a mom is hard. And parenting a two year old who tests limits like a crash test dummy is even harder.
There are days when the easiest (yet completely not-an-option) alternative seems to be running away from home. When, after battling through: a diaper change (“noooooo”), taking off jammies (“I want them ON!”), putting on clothes (“no pants!!!”), whether he will wear socks (yep!) and shoes (um, again, yes!), where we will eat breakfast (not the couch, just like every other meal), what we will eat (what he originally requested, not the other random alternatives that dawn on him after I’ve already made one meal), if the cup will be green or blue (whichever one is clean, man), whether we will leave the house (yet again, yes! just like every other day), what we will bring in the car (no baseball bat dude, just like yesterday), if we will put on a jacket (can you guess the answer? yes), I glance at the clock and realize that it is only 8:45 a.m. O. M. G.
As we creep from battle to battle and the clock tip-toes along, from a play date fraught with sharing battles to yet another Target trip where I need one thing and my toddler whines for one of everything he sees, to the battleground round two, aka lunch, to nap time (hallelujah!), my brain spins. I marvel at the fact that all of the tips and tricks for navigating toddlerhood, from offering choices to setting consistent limits to leaving ample time so you don’t feel the need to rush your child, seem to fly out the window when you’re face to face with a toddler who seems to be going about his day as though every action he takes was strategically orchestrated to drive you crazy. Seriously, kid.
Being two is so hard.
And these days are the typical days, when there aren’t other crazy factors thrown in, like the ever changing rotation of gross illnesses he picks up at preschool or daddy being out of town for the third day running on business.
When I glance at our video monitor before I head to bed at night, I marvel at what a sweet little boy I have. Looking angelic, with blond curls spilling across the crib, all snuggled up with his loveys and stuffed animals, I can’t help but take a deep breath and appreciate how blessed I am. With a healthy and thriving child, it makes me feel so much worse when these feelings crop up, when I compare my good fortune with those not in my shoes – those who have lost children, parents dealing with challenges far more severe than the typical behavioral nonsense I complain about, couples who haven’t been able to get pregnant at all. I’m lucky. Profoundly so. And I know it.
But sheesh. I wish someone would have warned me when we were in the early stages of these “tantrums” at 15 months that I was dealing with small potatoes. That I should enjoy the comic simplicity of these little mini-fits. I’m sure I would have ignored them, silently reassuring myself that they don’t know my child. And if I’m being honest, I had read enough to know that I would be trudging along on an uphill battle, even if I don’t have many close friends with older kids to guide me through this stage.
I love my child. Truly, madly, deeply. I can’t imagine my life without him, and on days that are good, where the playful moments outweigh the whining, where the inquisitive adventures last longer than the outbursts of craaaaazy, where the snuggles are numerous and the time-outs are few, I look at these thoughts, the “I love you but don’t really like you right now” thoughts, and the guilt crops up. But really, this is just life with a toddler. Messy. Frustrating. Hard. Their little brains are growing, learning, coping with the sensory overload that is knowledge and feelings and emotions. And while I know that as I sit on my couch in the peace and quiet of nap and nighttime, being in the trenches with a toddler is tough, day in and day out.
I love him. But I don’t always like him.
. . . . .
Anyone else ever felt this way with their toddler?
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
Sometimes toddlers are little jerks. It’s ok to admit that. I love E, but damn, sometimes she’s a pain in the ass
persimmon / 1096 posts
I just read this after laying my toddler down for naptime, and yeah, this is my favorite time of day… closely followed by 7:30 PM, when he is asleep and I regain some semblance of an adult brain. Much as I am grateful to stay home with him and happy that he is healthy, WHOA some days are hard.
blogger / pomegranate / 3201 posts
Liam is pretty easy compared to other toddlers, I think, but yes, sometimes I’m just so ready for bedtime or naptime. You’re not alone!
kiwi / 729 posts
oh man. i have a 3.5 year old and i can honestly say (and with love) that i didn’t particularly like him for the past year (2.5-3.5) those were dark times, especially with throwing a newborn into the mix. I don’t like to admit it but there were times during the day that I would check out mentally because each moment from the time he woke up to bedtime, it felt like battle after battle. And the thing is, he is a super sweet, thoughtful, learning something new every day, active, cheerful kid. But his will was mighty and wearing on this mommy. We still have battles but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel now that is on his way to becoming 4. Good luck momma!! Its hard but its temporary!!
persimmon / 1147 posts
Oh my gosh thank you for writing this post today because this is often our days too! The toddler hard times are harder than we have ever experienced but the good times of “I love you mommy”, hugs and kisses are the best thing in the world. We toddler mommies need to stick together!
grapefruit / 4923 posts
i felt this way after a only a week of 4:30am wakeups. i clearly have very low tolerance. my hats off to all SAHMs–you have a level of patience and energy that far exceeds mine.
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
I’m nearing this stage – Baby C is 17 months and I already see a lot of headstrong-ness in her so I can only imagine how the 2-3s are going to go. And this is why I have to be a WOH mom – when I look up at the clock on Saturday and see that it’s barely 9 and I’ve already been up for 4 hours and there are Cheerios all over the floor, yeah, I feel much the same way. Like @edelweiss said, my hat is off to all the SAHMs, you have strength and power that I cannot fathom.
guest
Yes!
grapefruit / 4819 posts
Yes. Yes to all of this. I count my blessings that the good moments far outnumber the bad, but when those bad moments occur, and then are exacerbated by my nine month old being fussy as well, it is all I can do to not run from the house screaming!
My mom used to say what you said in your last line, particularly when we were teenagers, “I’ll always love you but I don’t always have to like you!” I didn’t realise those words would also be applicable to the toddler days, but they are….they so are…
persimmon / 1194 posts
Absolutely! That last line sums it all up perfectly. “I love him. But I don’t always like him.” Thank you for posting this. So glad I’m not the only one that is going through this.
hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts
Clap. Clap. Clap. Thank you And yes. I have a very spirited toddler (and add a sometimes napper into the mix…..) days are long some days. I could have written this post!
guest
no shame! I think of toddlers like your wildest most fun friend. Most of the time they are a BLAST and crack you up and make you think. But every once in awhile you just need a break from them.
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
+1 to this post man! Sometimes people ask me how K is, and I just say trouble!
The three of us have totally been all dressed & done with breakfast before 8am sometimes and I’m always wondering how it’s possible so little time has passed!
pomegranate / 3127 posts
This is spot on, and nothing to be ashamed of. Kids can be so unreasonable and insensitive sometimes, it’s hard to like them in the moment even though you love them.
This makes me miss the old days though! I was a WAHM for a year before my son started day care, and the daily battles (with crazy clients and deadlines tacked on) were draining. But I’d trade sitting at the office, not knowing what my kid is doing and not being able to share his adventures, for those toddler tantrums in a heartbeat.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Bravo for your honesty!! Sometimes I feel like i’m bipolar with the feelings of, “They’re the best – I wish I could just pause time” and “Omg I’m about to tear my hair out!” – Haha, you’re definitely not alone
pear / 1852 posts
You are not alone! There are days with our girl that my husband turns to me and asks “and you really want another one?”
cherry / 237 posts
I feel like one thing I forget about parenting is that my relationship with my child *is a relationship*. There are times of great communication and being in sync with each other. There are times where one or more people are just out of sorts and not dealing with their own private stuff very well. It’s a process and a continual effort at being kind, patient, and understanding. It takes as much effort as any other relationship in my life, but for some reason I always seem to expect it to be magically easy because it’s my kid. But it’s not; it’s rewarding and important because it’s my kid, but it’s difficult and exasperating and something I desperately want to get right because it’s a relationship with my kid. We’re both growing and changing all the time, and staying on top of that is hard. Awesome, but hard.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
exactly. My 23 month old seriously brings me to tears…
nectarine / 2591 posts
Right there with you! Especially this week.
guest
Thank you for this honest post! You’re not alone!
grapefruit / 4187 posts
OH no, these tantrums are small potatoes at 14 months?? AHHHH!!
pomegranate / 3845 posts
Yes. Yes. Yes.
And I feel immensely guilty that I WOH and have these feelings on the weekends (and let’s be real, sometimes even in the hour in the morning or 2-3 hours we have in the evenings.
grapefruit / 4731 posts
I love my toddler so much but yeah sometimes he can be a big fat jerk!
You are definitely not alone. 
pomegranate / 3053 posts
Totally. I’m trying different things to make myself be less angry during those challenging times. Still, it’s so hard! It really does get better as they get older. My oldest is close to doing a 180 compared to a year ago. He is 5.5 now. My youngest has way less tantrums with my new tool – just let him do it on his own time, even if it means we’ll be a little late to something to left behind during our playgroup. He doesn’t cry or anything, just does it or goes when he is ready and we’re all happy!
guest
YEs! You are not alone!
blogger / persimmon / 1398 posts
I’m super late to this post… but YES!!! I’m with you 100% on this. There are days that I mentally start packing the suitcase I would take with me when I bail.