Hellobee

We’ve talked about the four functions of behavior and how to address attention-seeking behaviors, and now it’s time to talk about a function that is a bit easier to deal with: escape behaviors.

As a reminder, these are behaviors that exist in order to escape an non-preferred item, place, activity, or person. Maybe your kid hates going to the grocery store. Maybe he doesn’t want to brush his teeth. Maybe she absolutely refuses to clean her room. The possibilities are endless, but the point is – there’s something your kid doesn’t want to do, and you need them to do it!

This one is, once again, going to sound a lot simpler than it is, but here we go: If you want to extinguish an escape behavior…don’t let them escape!

I know. I know. But seriously, it’s not as easy as it sounds!

Note: Before I jump into my explanation, I want to make it clear – this advice is intended for problem behaviors. I’m not suggesting that you should force your child to do every little thing you want them to without listening to their opinion. The information in this post is geared towards people who are struggling with tantrums or other challenging behavior related to a child trying to escape something. 

If you’re trying to extinguish a challenging escape behavior the most important thing to remember is that you absolutely cannot allow the child to escape whatever it is they don’t want to do. Not even delay it. If you do that, your child will just learn that all they have to do to get out of something is scream, cry, and throw a fit. And then guess what? They’ll do it every time they don’t want to do something. Fun!

A perfect example of this is something I witnessed at a kid’s hair salon recently. We were there to get Jackson’s first haircut, and the place was pretty busy. Kids were climbing all over the place and parents were looking worn out and less than thrilled to be spending their Saturday morning running this particular errand. There was a small boy (probably about four years old) there with his dad and (what looked to be) twin sister. His sister was up first – she happily hopped in the chair, giggled throughout the hair cut, and got a sucker as a reward when she was finished. But then it was the little boy’s turn. He was playing with a train set and clearly having a blast. Dad came over to tell him it was time for a haircut and he threw a holy tantrum. Body on the ground, flailing, screaming, the whole nine yards. It was embarrassing for the dad. I get it. Having your kid act like a fool in public is no fun. So guess what dad did? He said, “Okay, you don’t have to get a haircut today” and took the boy and his sister outside to go home, while the boy continued to scream and shout.

The haircut in question.

Now, I realize this was the path of least resistance for the dad. And I’m absolutely not judging – maybe he had a bad day and just couldn’t handle one more tantrum. It happens! But he just now taught this little boy an important lesson: If I make a big enough scene, I won’t have to do things that I don’t want to do.

How would I have handled it differently from a behavior analyst’s perspective? First of all, I would have stuck to my guns and not made a big deal about the tantrum. Remember, the less attention you give a tantrum, the less fun it is. If it was too loud or really just couldn’t happen where we were at, I’d take him outside (or even to the car if I needed to) until he was calm. But then? It’s right back inside for that haircut! It’s important for him to realize that he can’t just throw a fit to get out of things, and that when mom or dad tells him to do something, he needs to listen.

Now, there are occasions where a child genuinely is scared, uncomfortable, or otherwise doesn’t want to do something for a legitimate reason. And that’s fine. You absolutely want to teach your child that you aren’t going to put them in a bad situation. In that case, your approach should be focused on getting your child to speak up calmly and appropriately about not wanting to do something. Wait until the tantrum is over (without removing them from the situation if at all possible) then have them ask you to leave calmly – or as calmly as they’re able to. As soon as they ask appropriately, allow them to escape. This isn’t about teaching your kid they absolutely have to do everything you tell them to, and more about teaching them to advocate for themselves appropriately. And this is one of those situations where you will have to use your best judgement – you know your child and you know what they can and can’t handle. If you really think they need to be removed from a situation while they’re still tantrumming, go for it! Just make sure that as soon as possible, you revisit the situation and have them practice speaking up calmly. You can reenact the situation by actually going back to the place or activity, or you can just role-play. Then, the next time the situation comes up you can be proactive and spend some time before the activity actually begins reminding your child that they will have to ask appropriately if they want to leave. If she does? Pour on the praise!

How does this look in our home for our one-year old? We’ve worked on teaching Jackson appropriate ways to communicate things that come up frequently that he may want to escape. For example, some nights when he’s done with dinner he starts to whine and cry to get out of his high chair. We ignore the crying and calmly ask him, “are you done?” This is a verbal prompt to remind him of what he needs to say in order to get out – he isn’t being difficult by whining, he’s just a one-year-old and sometimes forgets that he can speak up for himself. Usually if we ask him, he’ll calm down and say “done!” and we let him get out. The most important take-away there is that we always get him out immediately when he asks appropriately. We’re trying to teach him that good behavior gets you what you want, bad behavior doesn’t! It’s a simple formula!

To review:

– If you’re dealing with escape behaviors and you really need the child to follow through on whatever you’ve asked of them, don’t allow them to escape! Sometimes you’ll have to deal with a tantrum. It sucks, and it’s hard, and I’m sorry. But you’ve got to push through it and remind yourself that it will get better soon!

– Sometimes it’s appropriate to let them escape, especially if they’re scared or uncomfortable. In that case, it’s okay to let it happen but just be careful to try and have them ask appropriately before they get out of it. You want to reinforce the idea that appropriate behavior works and inappropriate behavior doesn’t!

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What does your child try to escape? In our house, it’s typically tooth brushing, cleaning his face after dinner, and getting his nails clipped. Thankfully, he loves the grocery store so far!