Hellobee

In a few short months I am going to be a mom of three!?! It’s hard to believe at times. This pregnancy has been so different from my other two in many regards, but the biggest one is time. When I was pregnant with Drake I remember afternoon naps, hours of baby research online, leisurely night time strolls in the spring, and a state that was constantly thinking, breathing, and anticipating baby. When I was pregnant with Juliet I certainly had less time but Drake napped, so I napped when needed. After he went to bed, around 7, I still had plenty of hours to myself to relax. Evening strolls could still be done or I could take afternoon ones with my little boy. I didn’t think about baby as often, but I often thought about life with two kids and how Drake would be as a big brother. Truth be told with this pregnancy I have had moments where I have plain forgotten I am even pregnant. Mr. Chocolate had to stop me once from consuming sashimi at a buffet because I totally forgot that wasn’t something I could eat.

My days are so much busier now that I have two small ones, including one that needs to be dropped off and picked up from school daily. Add in his classes, my babysitting job where I cart the little girl I watch around as well, and errands and there is just no more time to daydream and wonder about a new baby. I can barely keep up with the two I have at times, and the crippling exhaustion that has accompanied this pregnancy has made doing everything that needs to be done for the day that much harder. Most days it’s a race to get to Juliet’s nap time, where I admittedly nap too while Drake is allowed his TV time. Then once she’s up, it’s a race to bed time so I can pass out at eight o’clock as I have been doing for much of the 1st trimester.

Sometimes I feel bad for Drake and Juliet as even when I awake I am so sluggish at times it’s hard to find the right energy to engage and play with them like I used to. I was hoping this haze would be over during the 2nd trimester, but there are still days where I fight every minute to stay awake before I can dissolve into my pillow again. I know that this is just a precursor for what is to come once the new baby comes and we are back in those sleepless (horrific) newborn days. But I can’t even imagine being more tired than I am now come August!

I miss my time with my kids. I miss being able to play and run after them and hear their shrieks of delight. I miss taking both with me on errands. I miss snuggling and enjoying them more instead of silently praying for bed time. I also miss being able to revel in the idea of pregnant again, to enjoy for what it is, a miracle, and savor it as it is probably the last time my body will ever get to experience this amazing transformation. As I have become more aware of this lack of time and energy, I have become more focused on the idea of carving out a little moment to spend with all my babies. It’s not a lot, especially after a hectic long day, but it has become my special time with each of them and I try to push through the exhaustion to be able to have these moments, however brief, with each of them.

 Juliet

Juliet and I get a little time just the two of us when Drake is at school three days a week. Those days are usually filled with her therapy appointments, story time at the library, and all the errands I try to run when I only have one child with me. We do have a few hours throughout the week at home together though, and I am trying to be more conscious of spending time playing and reading to her (her favorite thing) rather than using it all to clean, do laundry, surf the net, or shower. Still my favorite time with Juliet has always been bed time. Since she goes to sleep earlier than Drake, I usually take her up first to get ready and read stories. When she was younger this was our last nursing session so after everything was done I would rock her in the dark and nurse her before placing her in her crib. As we moved away from nursing I still spent that time rocking and talking to her when it was just the two of us. Many times she would place her head on my shoulders and softly drift off to sleep or rest quietly as we snuggled.

At 19 months Juliet is much more alert these days that even after the lights go off, she often sits in my lap giggling and playing with hair and face in the dark. I still talk to her and rock and try to get her to settle, and she does after a while. I have fallen asleep in her chair with her like this, and I look forward to this time daily as we start bedtime.

Drakey

Once Juliet is tucked in for the night, Drakey usually comes up for bedtime. He is old enough now to take care of most of his bed time responsibilities on his own, and when he is done we go to his room to read stories snuggled in his bed. After I say good night he often will sit in his room to draw for a little while if he isn’t tired, and then inevitably he visits my room to snuggle in bed with me. Sleeping in our bed has become a new routine for him. Sometimes he will only stay for a short time until he is tired and returns to his own room; other times he falls asleep in our bed and we move him once Mr Chocolate comes to bed. I’m not sure what started his need to come into our bed after sleeping in his own room so well for the past 4 years, but part of me doesn’t mind it either. I love when he comes in and asks me to snuggle next to him, how he insists we need to be touching to sleep together, and the conversations we have as we both try to fall asleep. During the day I’m not always at my best, but in this time when it’s just me and him in bed snuggled together, everything else melts away. I can listen to his thoughts, ask him questions, and see the world as he shares it with me. I love seeing him so peaceful and serene after he falls asleep, which is so opposite from the whirling little boy he is in the day time. I even love carrying him back to his own bed and tucking him in the last time for the day and being reminded about how small he is despite how big he is in the day.

Gumdrop

And then when everyone is in bed and the lights are off, I can finally focus on my last baby. The one that during the day I sometimes can’t even remember, but at night when all else is silent and still, reminds me with their soft little flutters and kicks. I can savor in those tiny little movements, nudging and poking back with my own hands. And in those moments, as I drift off to sleep, that’s when I can dream again… about a baby, about a future with 3 kids, about teeny toes and newborn smells, about a precious new person to complete our family.

These are the moments.