Hellobee

I loved breastfeeding.  I loved the little rooting noises and motions my baby made when he was hungry. I loved settling in on the couch or in a chair out in public and lifting my shirt to feed my kid. I just loved it.

When my son was a few days shy of 16 weeks, he developed a distinct aversion to the breast and went on strike. My love of nursing was replaced with an appreciation for modern technology that allowed me to continue to feed my child my breastmilk, and a deep sadness for all that I’d lost.

There are so many great resources on breastfeeding – including dealing with nursing strikes, bottle refusal and exclusively pumping – all of which I relied on heavily as I moved through the stages of denial, grief and acceptance when my four-month-old son’s nursing strike proved to be a true, irreversible bottle preference and I became an exclusive pumper.

I have so many feelings wrapped up in this, and when I was deep in the thick of dealing with a screaming child at my boob every three hours, I could NOT see a light at the end of the tunnel. Will’s nursing strike/breast refusal fueled a deep anxiety in me, and led to a huge dip in my confidence as a mama from which I am still recovering from, more than two months later.

What was so challenging for me was that nursing had been such a win for us from day one. Will latched, sucked and fed like a champ. I counted my lucky stars, and marveled at every new and delicious breastmilk-created fat roll. When the strike hit, I was dumbfounded. I questioned every nursing decision I had ever made. Should we have not introduced a bottle for that one middle-of-the-night feed at four weeks? Should I have left the room every single time he had a bottle? Should we have purchased a different bottle? Should we have not given him so many bottles that weekend he was sick and could barely breathe while nursing? I spent a lot of time crying and doubting myself for weeks.

Eventually, I turned a corner (and learned to laugh again) and came to terms with my new reality. My current plan is to offer the breast when it’s convenient, but not hold out of hope for a renewed nursing relationship. I have been so lucky that Will’s voracious appetite established a great supply before the strike, and I have been able to continue pumping so that Will receives breastmilk exclusively. It’s been an adjustment, but I know, in the end, Will’s health and growth is paramount – and I am so grateful that he continues to thrive.

.  .  .  .  .

The first time Will all-out refused to nurse, we had just traveled with family for our annual Thanksgiving trip. I was so excited to be with Will for a solid five days straight and have a big nursing vacation- right in the place where I had found out I was pregnant the year before! That day, I offered Will the breast and instead of immediately latching as he had been for month, he arched back and screamed. I immediately began searching for solutions. I found many great tips for how to get a baby to the bottle, but far less for working through a stubborn and seemingly permanent bottle preference. Eventually, I identified some key ideas for busting a nursing strike, and set out to try them all.

I found great things here and here. Here’s what worked at least once:

• Nurse while baby is asleep/nearly asleep. The first day of his strike, I was able to nurse him to sleep as I held him before a nap.
• Nurse in an alternate position. I had two small successes with a modified football hold, and with Will laying down and my dangling my nipple above him.
• Nurse while standing and bouncing/rocking.
• Nurse while making noise/singing. This provided just enough distraction from what I was doing that Will latched for a brief minute when I tried this.
• Nurse for comfort before nursing for nutrition. My best nursing sessions happened right after Will’s four-month doctor appointment, when he had had shots and likely needing some comforting.

Lots of babywearing the first week of Will’s strike.

Here’s what we tried and didn’t work for me, but may for you:

• Take a bath with baby and nurse in the tub.
• Wear baby around to encourage closeness. Try nursing while wearing baby.
• Nurse first thing when baby wakes or when baby wakes in the middle of the night.
• Cease all use of other nipple-like things (bottles, pacifiers, etc.).
• Offer only the breast every ten minutes for an hour before giving in to a bottle or alternate method of feeding.
• Try a weekend nurse-in. Hang out just you and baby, with lots of skin-to-skin.
• Drip some breastmilk on your nipple before offering, and try bringing a letdown (by pumping or hand expressing) before offering so that there is instant gratification for latching and sucking.

And, for good measure, here are my general tips for trying to get baby back to the breast during a strike:

• Spend a lot of time skin-to-skin.
• Offer the breast when he’s hungry and when he’s not. Make it available at all times.
• Offer only until one of you gets frustrated.
• Coax, don’t coerce.
• Breathe deeply and remain calm. An agitated mama only creates an agitated baby.
• Pump and express milk to maintain supply and reduce chances of clogged ducts.

After ten days of very little success, I had my hopes up that our pediatrician, whom we love, would offer a solution. After checking that there wasn’t anything physically wrong with Will – no inner ear fluid or teeth buds, for example – he suggested a weekend of frustration. I was to offer the breast every ten minutes for up to two hours, and make the bottle as difficult as possible when it was given (lots of pacing to make it as tedious as possible to eat from a bottle).

After following this advice with two successful nursing sessions and four failed ones, I had to admit defeat. I was not emotionally strong enough to let Will cry every ten minutes for two hours. After he had eaten half of his normal amount in one day, I looked at my husband with tears in my eyes and we both agreed we couldn’t carry on. It was so hard to know we could make him happy with and full with a couple pieces of plastic. I also know we wouldn’t completely stop bottles entirely, as I work outside the home and he gets three bottles of expressed breastmilk five days a week. In the end, bottles it was, from that day on.

William giving himself some comfort after his vaccinations at his six-month well visit.

I now have a great pumping routine established, which I’ll share, and I have found renewed closeness with Will. I love snuggling and kissing his little head and face while he enjoys his bottle, and it warms the little space that nursing used to nourish when I see family and friends experience our sweet son melt into their arms, against their chest as he eats. I still mourn our lost nursing relationship, and whenever I think about a possible baby #2, I can’t help but feel an instant fear that we’ll have struggles breastfeeding too. I find hope, though, that so many nursing issues can be resolved with diligence and calm – and in the end, how he gets nourishment in his first year of life matters so little in comparison to the compassion, patience, humility and open-mindedness we hope to nourish in him throughout his entire life.

Have you had any experiences as a parent that have shaken your confidence to the core?