It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer. – Albert Einstein
I can’t even tell you how many times a day that I hear my five-year old say, “I caaaan’t doooo it,” with some sort of dramatic flop or cry at the end. This usually leads to me quickly completing that task so that I don’t have to deal with the drama. All good, right?
Wrong.
I just finished reading How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character, by Paul Tough and it completely changed me as a parent.
Grit is described as the non-cognitive character traits that a person has: Determination, perseverance, optimism, motivation, extroversion, openness to experience, conscientiousness, discipline, self-control, and ability to delay of gratification.
Tough presents research on why these characteristics are a better indicator of a child’s future success (even at age 4) than IQ. “There are smart gritty people and dumb gritty people, but all gritty people succeed.” Tough describes these traits as, “Mysterious interactions among culture and family and genes and free will and fate.” So as parents, what can we do to create this mysterious interaction that creates gritty kids?
Providing children with a secure, nurturing relationship with at least one parent; providing after school adult supervision; low levels of parental criticism; letting children experience failure (more importantly, teaching them to learn from their failures by making them confront how they messed-up) are some of the action items highlighted as important to helping a child’s natural tendencies towards grit. One of the big things that stuck with me was the necessity to let our children struggle and fail.
What a kid needs more than anything is a little hardship; a little challenge, some deprivation, that they can overcome, even if just to prove they can. – pg. 84
We have a new saying in my house, “Try three times and then ask for help.” Sure, there are melt-downs, but usually D gets it on the third try. And if he doesn’t instead of just “doing” I now “show” and then praise him for his effort on trying. Here are a few other things that foster grit that I’m trying hard to implement at home:
1. Teaching optimism – cognitive and emotional learning go hand-in-hand. If a child doesn’t feel like they can do it, they are less likely to stick with it. Tackle pessimism when they are young and try to steer their thinking to the positive. Also, model optimistic behavior. Our second, silly little motto, “We don’t say can’t; we just try harder!” I’ve noticed some defeatist behavior in myself since I’ve been more aware, “Ah, this line is going to take forever!” Sound familiar?
2. Remember, overcoming challenges helps your child’s confidence. Praise for effort. “I am very proud of you for putting on your own sock. That must have been very hard.” Make them complete difficult tasks like the tricky puzzle; this teaches determination.
3. When children do fail, instead of spending time blaming or lamenting, use it as a learning experience and give them a chance to make the situation better so that they can restore their confidence (for example, writing an apology letter, helping clean-up a mess, etc.)
4. A treasure-trove of resources on grit and resilience found on Edutopia
Grit is an abstract (and new) term, coined by Angela Lee Duckworth. Although this is a concept for older kids, I think that it is never too early to start practicing the applications at home.
Interested in grit? Duckworth’s Ted Talk here and read How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character, by Paul Tough
I’d love to hear how you are getting gritty in your home.
grapefruit / 4923 posts
thanks so much for sharing–i like these ideas!
cherry / 245 posts
Thank you for recommending this! I’m looking forward to read it. My daughter is only 14 weeks old but I want to learn as much as I can right now! FYI, the edutopia link doesn’t work!
pomelo / 5628 posts
Thanks for this book summary! I’ve read articles about grit before and also many about praise and why it’s bad. As a child raised on praise, I am working really hard to praise effort and like “you worked really hard on that!” “You figured it out!” Rather than labels like “You’re so smart.” I also always let him struggle with the little things like getting something that’s stuck or when he struggles to get on top of the couch of something like that. Lots of “Keep trying.” I definitely don’t think it’s too early to start.
pomelo / 5866 posts
I enjoyed this book too. There is a ted talk podcast called Success that recently posted that talks about grit among other things. I just started using the word with my newly 4 year old last night. She asked what does that mean- like never give up? Kids get the gist. Also I wonder if there is a birth order correlation. I was thinking first born would have an advantage to these types of experiences if parents weren’t aware of the research.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
This book sounds really interesting, I’m going to add it to my “to read” list. Your opener made me laugh because my oldest can be like that too! I’m always trying to change her tune by saying she just has to keep trying, or she’ll get better with more practice. Will check out the Ted Talk too. Thanks for the rec!
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
This has been on my to-read list forever, I’m glad it’s a good read. My kid is still little but I can see early signs of easily frustrated (just like her mama used to be and still can be at times) so this is definitely going to be something to work on for us.
pear / 1696 posts
I am so glad you wrote about this book! I haven’t heard of it, or about fostering grit in children, but I just watched the TED talk and definitely want to work on it with my son. He is still a young toddler and asks for help constantly. I know he is still a little buy and truly does need help sometimes, but I love the idea of teaching him confidence to work on challenges.
cherry / 116 posts
I’m very interested in reading this book. We’ve also been working on praising character qualities and effort rather than saying things like, “you’re so smart!” My MIL, who is in early intervention, recommends letting your children solve problems. So for my little guy, I need to let him attempt to solve two-year-old problems. My husband and I talk about how one of the biggest barriers to allowing our son to try (or fail) is that it takes time and the results aren’t perfect. Yes, it takes more time if he climbs into his own carseat and, yes, the table doesn’t look perfect if he sets it. But he beams with pride at what he’s accomplished and is more and more excited to jump in next time.
blogger / apricot / 310 posts
Ooh this sounds like a great parenting/life book! Grit as a desirable trait has been on my radar in my field (education) for a few years but I hadn’t yet approached the concept through the lens of fostering it in my kid! Thanks for this!