I went away on a 4 day, 3 night long work trip this past week, the longest one I’ve done yet. One of my coworkers who tagged along has a child close in age to D, and this was her first time away since her daughter was born. She missed her little girl terribly and woke up at night to look at pictures of her. For me on the other hand – I got the best sleep I’ve had since the last time I went away for work!
Part of me feels really guilty about this! Of course I missed the boys, but I was able to really focus on working for good stretches of time, unlike the normal harried schedule in my office when I have to rush out the door at quitting time. I even forgot to call them to say hi before they went to sleep one evening, whoops!
D does not appreciate my nonchalance!
Because Mr T had a busy work week as well, they actually stayed at my MIL’s house for the whole stretch. It took a lot of work to figure out the huge volume of supplies that traveled with D (formula, feeding tube bags, pump, charger; oral rehydration solution, vitamins, nebulizer & medications, baby monitor, aquarium crib toy – I could go on!), but ultimately I think being at Grandma’s house made the whole experience more of an adventure for them and easier for my MIL to help. She would’ve been over our house constantly, only going home to sleep, if they had stayed at home – it’s so much more comfortable to be cooped up at your own house! Whenever I did talk to the kids they were having a great time and didn’t seem sad that I was away (with the exception of once when K asked if I was coming to pick him up yet).
Only a fraction of all the gear that got sent to my ILs! The excess quantities of diapers are for future trips, but still, totally ridiculous!
Maybe my guilt-free trip was partly due to their ambivalent attitudes? I also think this being after my second, and not even my first time away from the both of them, made it much easier on me. I remember being pretty upset the first time I was away from K overnight, but at that time he was still nursing, which puts a whole new layer of logistics on everything! I joked with my coworkers that my kids are trouble with a capital T (compared to my coworker’s very easygoing daughter) which is why I wasn’t upset.
I think this mom-guilt over nights away may be similar to what some moms feel when they are ready to go back to work after maternity leave, or decide that SAH is not for them. The cultural narrative that I can see (and perhaps SAHMs have a different perspective) is that we should WANT to be with our children 24-7, and if we absolutely have to work then we will spend all other waking moments with them in response. We should be upset to leave them for a business trip, or a personal trip, or even a date night. To each their own, but that mindset is not for me!
“How could you leave us to fend for ourselves?!”
Particularly in the DC area, many couples wait until they are well into their 30s to start a family – Mr. T and I started in our early 20s! I still have many rungs of the career ladder to go, and for me to get there, I need to be open to traveling. I have 3-4 day long trips scheduled about once a month for the next several months, and am looking forward to all of them! Going forward I’m going to try to be less self-conscious about my lack of guilt, and avoid making excuses (like, well my kids are just naughty, that’s why I don’t miss them too badly). My male coworkers don’t stress about this at all – I’m going to try that approach!
Is this something you’ve struggled with, or that you’ve made a decision to not worry about it? Have your feelings changed over time, or after having additional children? I’d love to hear about it!
cherry / 229 posts
I have my first overnight trip in April, also for work. I often feel very guilty about how excited I am about the trip. I worry about my ability to sleep. For me, I live with this constant contradiction of believing I am the best caretaker for my baby and that I want to get away. I also know logically that my partner is more than capable of taking care of her but mommy guilt doesn’t live in a place of logic
pomelo / 5084 posts
I think your attitude is refreshing and healthy!!!
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
That last picture is priceless!
pomelo / 5628 posts
Preach!
I love my son and I love my time away.
I found the hardest age to leave was a little after a year. The first time I left for a funeral and he probably didn’t really notice, but the second time he was a lot more aware, but not old enough that I could explain that I would be back. That was hard. But now + FaceTime? Much easier.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
Love these pictures – so so cute!!
First time away was the hardest, and you bring up a good point about breastfeeding. I was still nursing since N was 10 months, so every time I pumped was a reminder of her!
The first time I went away when they were older and more aware of what was happening was hard too. Actually harder than when they were babies and had no idea what was going on.
Now I honestly don’t think twice about going away. I probably feel the most guilt about putting everything on DH to handle instead of being there to help, but other than that… no guilt! I know they are in DH’s capable hands and having a great time with him.
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts
No mom guilt here!
pomegranate / 3438 posts
Earlier this week I had to send my LO to grandma’s house for a few days. I was working 12+ hour days and DH had to go out of town for work. I felt no guilt at all! It was really nice to be able to come home and only worry about myself. Especially after working for such long hours.
I actually don’t feel guilty any time I leave DS for a night. I love my son dearly but I also need time for myself. I’m a better mom when that happens.
pomegranate / 3643 posts
The first time I left my guy for a work trip there was a mouse in my room and I didn’t sleep all night.
kiwi / 558 posts
I love going away! I’ve only been on one solo trip without DH or LO, but it was the best 48 hrs ever! It was my first time away, but I felt more like myself again! I was also bfing but just pumped and dumped!
Now I can’t wait for my next solo trip! Getting me time is very real and very important for all moms!! I try each week to get some out of the house alone time even if it’s just for two hours!
I’m a SAHM and love my daughter but I need mommy time to help feel like the real me again! We just signed her up for a Montessori school that is 3 hrs/ day everyday of the week and I’m so pumped about it! Not only will she have a blast, being the social butterfly and daredevil, that she is, but I will get time workout, run errands or just be without someone needing my constant attention!
I hope you have a great time on all your trips without any excuses or guilt!!
blogger / cherry / 247 posts
refreshing perspective. i like your approach. i particularly like your last statement: “my male coworkers don’t stress about this at all….”
pear / 1614 posts
I feel tons of guilt when I go away but mostly because it forces DH to do it all. He is a SAHD and has no problems handling anything the boys can throw his way, but I still feel bad if I enjoy myself because he is still at home doing the same old thing he does every day. I go 1-3 days without seeing them sometimes even when not traveling due to my work schedule, so neither me nor my kids worry too much about that.
pomelo / 5621 posts
I’ve only been away once just two weeks ago but it was for a family emergency, so I didn’t really have time to feel guilty. I did miss DS though but now I’m looking forward to when I can get away for a night or two on my own.
I think it is good for both them and us to have nights away from each other.
persimmon / 1233 posts
Right there with you. I sometimes feel guilty at not feeling guilty…but that’s it!
guest
One of my mentors told me once that “your children need all of your love but not all of your time.” This simple phrase really resonated with me and I have found it to be so true. I never feel guilty about leaving my son for work trips or for date nights, and we take at least one solo couples trip a year.
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
@msplatypus: I hope it gets easier for you after this first time!
@Mrs Green Grass: my kids really don’t seem to care at all when I leave! glad it’s better for you now that your D is bigger
@Mrs. High Heels: @KT326: @Mrs. Jacks: @HTownMom: I aspire to be like you guys!
@Nova: I love that phrase!
@shellio: that sounds similar to my DH’s work schedule sometimes. Hopefully you and your DH can swing a trip sans kids to give you both a guilt free break!