I went away on a 4 day, 3 night long work trip this past week, the longest one I’ve done yet. One of my coworkers who tagged along has a child close in age to D, and this was her first time away since her daughter was born. She missed her little girl terribly and woke up at night to look at pictures of her. For me on the other hand – I got the best sleep I’ve had since the last time I went away for work!

Part of me feels really guilty about this! Of course I missed the boys, but I was able to really focus on working for good stretches of time, unlike the normal harried schedule in my office when I have to rush out the door at quitting time. I even forgot to call them to say hi before they went to sleep one evening, whoops!

CSC_0489

D does not appreciate my nonchalance! 

Because Mr T had a busy work week as well, they actually stayed at my MIL’s house for the whole stretch. It took a lot of work to figure out the huge volume of supplies that traveled with D (formula, feeding tube bags, pump, charger; oral rehydration solution, vitamins, nebulizer & medications, baby monitor, aquarium crib toy – I could go on!), but ultimately I think being at Grandma’s house made the whole experience more of an adventure for them and easier for my MIL to help. She would’ve been over our house constantly, only going home to sleep, if they had stayed at home – it’s so much more comfortable to be cooped up at your own house! Whenever I did talk to the kids they were having a great time and didn’t seem sad that I was away (with the exception of once when K asked if I was coming to pick him up yet).

ADVERTISEMENT

IMAG2055-600x338
Only a fraction of all the gear that got sent to my ILs! The excess quantities of diapers are for future trips, but still, totally ridiculous!

Maybe my guilt-free trip was partly due to their ambivalent attitudes? I also think this being after my second, and not even my first time away from the both of them, made it much easier on me. I remember being pretty upset the first time I was away from K overnight, but at that time he was still nursing, which puts a whole new layer of logistics on everything! I joked with my coworkers that my kids are trouble with a capital T (compared to my coworker’s very easygoing daughter) which is why I wasn’t upset.

I think this mom-guilt over nights away may be similar to what some moms feel when they are ready to go back to work after maternity leave, or decide that SAH is not for them. The cultural narrative that I can see (and perhaps SAHMs have a different perspective) is that we should WANT to be with our children 24-7, and if we absolutely have to work then we will spend all other waking moments with them in response. We should be upset to leave them for a business trip, or a personal trip, or even a date night. To each their own, but that mindset is not for me!

GO9Xu-LzKXtTkEzlhFxs9TTlf2j_0ZkzX0E_F7MyvPbr=w903-h738-no

“How could you leave us to fend for ourselves?!”

Particularly in the DC area, many couples wait until they are well into their 30s to start a family – Mr. T and I started in our early 20s! I still have many rungs of the career ladder to go, and for me to get there, I need to be open to traveling. I have 3-4 day long trips scheduled about once a month for the next several months, and am looking forward to all of them! Going forward I’m going to try to be less self-conscious about my lack of guilt, and avoid making excuses (like, well my kids are just naughty, that’s why I don’t miss them too badly). My male coworkers don’t stress about this at all – I’m going to try that approach!

Is this something you’ve struggled with, or that you’ve made a decision to not worry about it? Have your feelings changed over time, or after having additional children? I’d love to hear about it!