I’ve been doing some thinking about transitions and how to get through them. About the stresses of newborns and new siblings. About the differences between the first time and the second. My partner and I are not experts in this department; we certainly don’t manage to handle things perfectly all of the time. But we are conscious about striving for the best case scenario, and we communicate our needs and our feelings. We learned a few things the first time around, and we’re learning some more things now. It is really hard to be your best self all of the time, it’s even harder during major life transitions, and it’s especially hard when everyone is sleep deprived. So I’ve been thinking about how we handle that, what works for us and what we’re working on.

Here’s what I think about when I think about marriage, babies and transitions…

1. Expectations: I’ve read that happiness is really all about expectations, and this is basically how I approach life in general. When reality doesn’t meet our expectations it is all the more disappointing, frustrating, stressful — you get the point — and this applies quite well to parenthood. For example, if you expect your baby to sleep through the night after 6 weeks, and they continue to wake up every 2-3 hours for the entire first year of their life, you’re going to be pretty frustrated and spend lots of time and energy figuring out whats wrong with you and your baby and how to get them to sleep. (I’m talking about myself here.) This time around I’ve accepted that I will start to sleep again in about a year, and if this baby happens to have better sleep behavior, then I’ll be over the moon. Adding another baby into the mix brings on all sorts of expectation shifts, like no longer expecting regular hours of “personal time” or a smooth exit from the house. It can be easy to get caught up in expecting your life to feel a certain way, and sometimes we need to remember that this is just the way things are for right now, not forever; it is just a phase! (One we will look back on with rose colored glasses.)

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2. Perspective: This sounds cheesy, but there are really a lot of benefits to looking at this transition as a challenge, even better, an adventure (!), and at you and your partner as a team (!). There is a new level of enthusiasm and humor that it brings to the day. Getting Roman down for his nap while I nurse and burp and bounce the baby is not a tedious duty; it is a challenge, and accomplishing that feat feels like a victory. As with everything in life, the way you experience it really is all about perspective and I find it helps to always keep that in mind. If you can muster the energy in your sleep deprived, tantrum enduring state to ground your perspective in a place of gratitude for all of your ridiculous good fortune, I find that helps best of all.

3. The Little Things: Say thank you. Say you’re sorry. Recognize when you’re directing your frustrations at your partner because you don’t want to be angry with your babies. Little words of praise and kindness go a long way. I read a quote on Pinterest recently about how people are far more generous and productive when they feel appreciated and valued. Recognize all the little things your partner does for you and your family and be vocal about it. When you’re mean because you’re tired, say you’re sorry, like right away. This research offers the best relationship advice I have ever encountered and it is quite evident that it is all those little things that set the tone and the path of a relationship. We can cultivate love and kindness or resentment and bitterness and major family transitions certainly put our efforts to the test!

What do you think about when you think about marriage, babies and transitions? Any advice from your experience?