My best friend, L, delivered micro-preemie twin girls almost a year ago. Born unexpectedly at 25 weeks, their early arrival was anything but planned. As a friend, I knew how to throw a shower, sew a baby quilt, and shop for onesies, but I didn’t know how to support a new mama and her micro-preemies. Over the last year, I’ve learned a lot about TLC and mamas with babies in the NICU. Below are a list of ways you can help to care for a friend.

(One disclaimer – before you do anything, shoot your friend a text ASKING what they need, or get a simple ok before carrying out any plans. Regardless of how well-intentioned you are, it’s always best to make sure new parents are on board. Their moods and emotional needs probably shift hourly, so don’t just assume they’ll appreciate your gestures.)

The First 24 Hours

  • Tie up loose ends at work. If you work with your friend, ensure that her job is being covered. L needed lesson plans and a substitute, which my coworkers and I were able to take care of. The last thing your friend wants to do is think about work stuff, so if you can cover that, do so.
  • Provide childcare. If your friend already has children, offer to find her childcare or provide childcare yourself. Because preemie deliveries, especially micro-preemie deliveries, often come without warning, many mamas don’t have plans lined up to care for their children.
  • Take care of their pets. Who’s going to walk and feed the dog? Offer to watch pets or find a pet sitter to take care of them.
  • Find out what she needs in the hospital. If the parents weren’t prepared for preemies, there’s a good chance they didn’t have a hospital bag packed. I brought L one of my maternity zip-up hoodies and a new pair of socks. Her husband was able to go home during the day and get most of what she needed, but I loved zip-up hoodies for nursing and pumping and new socks always make me feel better, so that’s what I took her. Nursing tank tops, yoga pants, and pajama bottoms are also welcome presents.
  • Bring food to the hospital. Ask if the new parents are hungry. What do they feel like eating? L had her girls at a hospital with a notoriously bad cafeteria, so she and her husband welcomed my Panera delivery that first night.

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The First Week

  • Contact shower guests if necessary. L’s shower was planned for a few weeks after she had the girls, and she decided it was best to postpone it indefinitely. If a baby shower is imminent, offer to call guests and explain the situation if the parents decide to postpone or cancel the shower.
  • Offer to disseminate updates and information to friends. L has lots of close, loving friends, all whom wanted frequent updates on the girls. L just didn’t have time to respond to every text message, phone call, and e-mail, so she’d share news with me, and then I’d send out a big group email to all her friends. It took a little pressure off of her and helped make sure that everyone felt in the loop.
  • Coordinate meal delivery. One of L’s friends set-up Meal Train, a free service that coordinates meals. It allows family, friends, and co-workers to sign-up for a day to deliver a meal to the family. It’s really helpful because it ensured L and her husband weren’t eating pizza five days in a row, and they also knew when to expect food. We emailed the Meal Train link to our co-workers, which helped get the word out. When dropping off a meal, leave it in a cooler on the porch and don’t expect a visit. If mom and dad are home, they may come say hello, but chances are good they don’t want to be bothered.
  • Buy presents for the babies. Having micropreemies is traumatic, but babies are always a reason to celebrate.The new mom will appreciate that you’re thinking of her children. I bought the girls knit hats, which are a great idea for preemies as they wear them almost 24/7. Etsy has all kinds of adorable options. I also made name placards out of pretty scrapbook paper and ribbon for the girls’ isolettes. The NICU allows you to tape photos and small signs to cribs, providing a personalized little touch of home. Another idea is to provide monthly onesie stickers for photos. Children’s books are good bet, too. L’s friends all sent their favorite baby books, which she took to the NICU and read to the girls while she was visiting.
  • Take care of their house and/or apartment. Does the lawn need mowing? Would your friend like the bathrooms cleaned? Laundry folded? Chances are good the new parents are spending much of their time in the NICU and then in zombie mode when they are home, so any offers to help maintain their house is appreciated.
  • Offer rides to the hospital. Hospital parking can be seriously expensive. Offer to pick-up and/or drop your friend off at the hospital so they can save a little money on parking. Another gift option is a weekly or monthly parking pass.
  • Provide things to help navigate the NICU and life as a new mom. A pretty journal or notebook, along with a pen, helps a mom take notes and write down questions. Reference books about preemies and life in the NICU are also helpful. L really liked Preemies for factual information, and Miracle Birth Stories of Very Premature Babies by Timothy Smith and Preemie by Kasey Matthews for inspiration. Empty Cradle, Broken Heart by Deborah Davis is a good option for mamas dealing with loss. Other gift ideas for mom include a pumping bra, a great water bottle, a nursing cover, or favorite snacks.

The First Month

  • Arrange for a newborn photographer to come to the hospital. L had a newborn photographer lined up, but that plan was for a vastly different scenario. With her blessing, a few weeks later, I was able to help arrange a newborn photo shoot in the hospital. The photographer L was originally planning to use graciously offered to come take photos for free, but my next step would have been to contact The Tiny Footprints Project. The organization’s mission is to provide free professional newborn photograph for preemies while in the hospital. I know that L cherishes these photos of the girls — this is probably one of the best things you can help with.
  • Support breastfeeding or pumping. Like any new mom, breastfeeding is a challenge. Provides words of encouragement or help her figure out insurance paperwork for a breast pump.

Anytime

  • Send “I’m thinking of you” texts or voicemails, without expecting a reply.
  • Be ready to listen. You don’t have to have answers, just a willing ear.
  • Read and memorize the section of this blog post labeled “Things To Say and Things To NOT Say.” A friend who unknowingly says the wrong things will easily be forgiven, but I know some of the things definitely bothered L.
  • If you’re sick, or your kids are sick, stay away from your friend. Preemie moms hate germs, like, really, really, really hate germs. Don’t do anything to increase their chances of coming down with something.
  • Understand that loss is a very real possibility, one that many NICU Mama’s must consider early on. The worst may happen, and then, with an extra heavy heart, your friend will need you all the more.

When the Baby Goes Home

  • Meals are still welcome, as is extra help around the house. Even though the baby was born a while ago, parenting at home is a huge adjustment phase.
  • Remember challenges continue. L proofread this post before it went it up, and it was important to her to make this point, as it’s too often forgotten. Your friend needs support as they navigate early intervention services and continuing health issues, aspects of parenthood they never considered when dreaming about their future child. Even though the baby is home, there may be many unanswered questions about the long term impacts of their prematurity. Respect that struggles don’t end with a discharge.

Mamas with preemies in the NICU, what did I forget?