I’ve started and stopped writing this post many times and have always found it hard to muster up the motivation and find the right words. But I think sharing my experience with therapy and antidepressants might help some people out there, so here goes.

Depression, anxiety and OCD runs in my family. I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager, and have seen 5 different therapists and been on antidepressants 3 different times over the years. One of my biggest regrets is not starting medication when I was in my late teens-early 20’s when my anxiety and depression was at its worst, but truthfully at the time I self-medicated with alcohol. When I think back to those years, I wonder how I got through them and just want to give my young self a hug. There were months where I couldn’t get out of bed at all. Everything I previously enjoyed held no interest for me. I had a constant pit in my stomach and always felt like I had to throw up because I was anxious about everything. When I was depressed I slept too much, when I was anxious I had insomnia. I would replay scenarios in my mind over and over again, rewinding and replaying them like a videotape. I would obsess about things like whether I turned off the stove and had to recheck again and again; often I returned home from being out to check yet again because the anxiety and obsessiveness was so overwhelming. I had intrusive thoughts like thinking about what would happen if I jumped off a building or stepped in front of a moving car. It was truly a miserable existence that lasted a good decade.

T A L K  T H E R A P Y + W E L L B U T R I N

I don’t know why I hadn’t thought to take antidepressants when I was younger. I knew that I was severely depressed and anxious, but I didn’t know anyone that took antidepressants at the time, and talk therapy and meds weren’t part of my culture. I had a very stressful job in my early twenties and my OB prescribed Wellbutrin when I asked for an antidepressant. It was a popular, mild antidepressant at the time. Shortly after I started taking it, I had a seizure and passed out in the middle of a business meeting and was taken to the hospital by ambulance. The doctors said Wellbutrin wasn’t the cause, and I had super high anxiety and blood pressure at the time. Still I swore off meds for a while.

I started seeing a therapist, and just being able to talk about my problems was very therapeutic. A lot of my problems at the time were related to family obligations and business, but there was a big cultural and generational gap and my therapist really couldn’t understand why I had to do some of the things I did. She wasn’t really helping me anymore, so I stopped seeing her.

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C O G N I T I V E  B E H A V I O R A L  T H E R A P Y  +  L E X A P R O

When I was 25, I moved to New York from Los Angeles, got married, and started a new chapter of my life. I can honestly say that was the first time I had been happy in a decade. Prior to that I wasn’t living; I was just existing getting through each day.

Once we started trying to conceive, we had some difficulty. I had a miscarriage and then did two rounds of clomid + iui and ended up pregnant again, but miscarried at 9 weeks when I was released to my OB from my RE. I became quite depressed because there were a lot of other things going on in my life at that time, but I was proactive about managing it. I started seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist, which is supposed to be a particularly effective form of therapy for anxiety and depression, and it helped immensely. It also helped that my therapist was close in age and in a similar stage of life, and I felt like we could relate to each other.

After a couple months of therapy, I wasn’t able to pull myself out of my depression and went on Lexapro, which continues to be one of the most popular antidepressants (in the SSRI class with Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil, Celexa, etc). Luckily I didn’t have any adverse effects and after about a month, I started feeling better. It took a couple of months for everything to level out, but I was feeling much better and started to exercise regularly. My therapist moved away so I could no longer see her, but I was now in a much better place mentally, emotionally, and physically. I didn’t want to stay on antidepressants long term, especially because I wanted to try ttc again, and I was exercising a lot, so after about 6 months I slowly weaned off with no side effects. Most experts recommend that you stay on antidepressants for at least 6 months to give them enough time to work completely.

A N T I D E P R E S S A N T S  –  S I D E  E F F E C T S

The next 4 years were a whirlwind of being pregnant, having Charlie, getting pregnant with Olive, and weaning her at 26 months. I expected to be hit with postpartum depression, and though I definitely experienced some blues, it was manageable. I didn’t consider meds as an option for me, and my anxiety when it came to taking care of the kids kept me going. But shortly after Olive weaned, I got a prescription for Lexapro from my GP. She was fine with prescribing it because I had taken it previously with good results under the care of a psychiatrist. This time my experience was completely different. The first month was torture. My anxiety and insomnia was through the roof and I felt much, much worse. I had no idea that this was typical since I hadn’t had any side effects the first time I took it, until I talked to two friends who were on Lexapro and Paxil. They had experienced the exact same thing for the first month. Just when they were about to throw in the towel, they started feeling better.

Recently a Hellobee member reached out to me because she thought she had an allergic reaction to antidepressants and quit taking them. Since antidepressants are prescribed so readily nowadays, and by primary/secondary care doctors instead of mental health professionals, I think a lot of people don’t have all the information and monitoring they need. The side effects that first month can be so intense, a friend of mine has been putting off going back on antidepressants because he doesn’t want to deal with them.

D E P R E S S I O N  &  P A R E N T I N G

I’m just now recently coming out of a depressive episode. It was a very cold and long winter, and especially when you’re an introvert that works from home, it’s easy to get depressed. Even though Lexapro helps, I still have down periods. For instance earlier this year I was sleeping 10+ hours at night and still having difficulty getting up in the morning. Mr. Bee eventually took over all the morning duties I used to do like packing lunches because I couldn’t wake up. After my morning cup of coffee, I just wanted to crawl back into bed and take a nap. My eczema always flares up when I’m depressed, and recently I had severe eczema breakouts all over my body… yet I couldn’t even find the motivation to make an appointment with a dermatologist and just suffered through it. Eventually my mom saw the outbreaks when she was visiting and gave me her steroid cream because I never ended up going to the dermatologist.

On the surface I probably seem fine to most people, and I don’t think it’s affected my kids too much because I can usually do the things I need to for them. Cleaning the house and cooking do fall by the wayside at times. But it’s really Mr. Bee and my work that’s affected most because I have little left for everything else. It’s hard to prioritize marriage when you’re depressed. I’m lucky that I have a super supportive partner, but I know that it’s really hard on him at times too.

T H E  L O N G  –  T E R M 

I’ve now been on Lexapro for the past year and a half, and don’t have plans of going off of it any time soon. I just feel better and more even-keeled on it, and I have no idea how long I will continue on it. I also take an occasional Xanax when I’m having a panic attack about once every month or two. It works very quickly — within 20 minutes — and has been a godsend as well.

Intellectually I know exercising has a big impact and that I have to do it, but when you’re depressed, it’s hard to muster up the motivation to get to the gym when it’s hard enough just to get out of bed in the morning. I’ve been looking into cardio kickboxing classes though because that high intensity workout is what really seems to help me best. I’d also love to start seeing a therapist again, but it’s so hard to find one who is a good fit. You can only rely on word of mouth or online reviews, and of the 5 I’ve seen over the years, I’ve only really liked 1. The whole process of finding a good therapist, getting comfortable with them, etc. is so time and emotion consuming. I’d really like to find a female therapist that is close in age to me, as I haven’t had much luck with male therapists or older therapists.

I know this is something that I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life, but it is more manageable as I get older. I don’t really know what life is like any other way though, and I’m sure that anxiety and depression has largely shaped who I am today. If you’re struggling, I absolutely recommend that you see a mental health professional or talk to your primary care provider as a first step if you’ve been thinking about it but putting it off. You have nothing to lose and no need to continue suffering!

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What has your experience been like with depression, anxiety, therapy and antidepressants?