Hellobee

Breastfeeding has been, by far, one of the hardest things I have ever done.

No one ever made it sound easy. Moms told me it would hurt, sometimes their nipples would bleed, and that it might take a while to get the hang of it. But no one ever told me about the searing pain during those first few weeks during every single feeding, which was anywhere from eight to 12 times a day. Or how I might feel like a failure if I wasn’t able to breastfeed my child. Or about how rejected I might feel if my baby screamed at the breast, or about how my inability to nurse might make me feel like less of a mom. Beyond the physical pain, the stress and emotional pain of breastfeeding was something I never expected as a first-time mom. I only nursed my daughter for 4 weeks, and by 8 weeks she was exclusively on formula.

Aliya drinking formula at eight months

When my daughter was born, I faced a few challenges while trying to establish our nursing relationship.  I had an overactive letdown, which often led to Aliya choking and screaming during nursing sessions, and eventually she went on a nursing strike. In addition to these challenges (or maybe in part, because of), I suffered from postpartum depression, and could not muster the strength to keep going.

While I felt guilty that I stopped breastfeeding so early, I was able to enjoy the many benefits of formula-feeding:

• Others can help with feedings. When you’re breastfeeding, unless you’re also pumping, you are basically on call 24/7 to nurse your baby whenever s/he is hungry. Having your partner assist with feedings also creates opportunities for the baby to bond with someone else beside you.
• Flexibility and freedom –  Since anyone could prepare and give a bottle to Aliya, I was able to have more flexibility in going out without the baby. Also, I didn’t have to pump, which meant I did not have to work around a pumping schedule, store milk, or clean parts every day.
• Long stretches of sleep – Since many babies digest formula more slowly than they digest breast milk, I attribute this to the reason why Aliya was able to sleep through the night rather early, at 10 weeks.
• My sanity – I struggled so much with breastfeeding during the newborn stage, both physically and emotionally. I felt anxious every time I knew the baby was getting hungry, was often in pain or would cry during feedings (as the baby was also crying), and I would feel stressed after feedings. I would wonder if the baby had enough to eat, or if I was doing something wrong. I was depressed and anxious and incredibly sleep-deprived. In some ways, when I made the switch to formula, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I was able to get some much needed rest, and while I knew that “breast was best,” I prioritized my mental health and sanity above everything else because I knew my daughter needed a healthy mother to take care of her.

When I was pregnant with my son last year, the one thing I dreaded the most was breastfeeding.  I was afraid I would encounter the same struggles and challenges, and scared of going through postpartum depression again.  And while I did encounter some of the same challenges (overactive letdown) and some new ones (i.e. clogged ducts), my experience this time around could not have been more different.  We made it to one year of our nursing relationship, and I have come to love these times with my son.  Four years ago, I would never have thought this was possible.

Nursing my son to sleep

Over the past year, there are many things I have come to love about breastfeeding:

• It’s free. And who doesn’t like free?
• Convenience – One thing I hated about formula feeding was that I would always need to make sure I had enough formula, water, and bottles on hand in case Aliya got hungry. This time around, all I needed was my nursing cover, and I was good to go. This also made traveling/flying much easier.
• Comfort and calm – No matter how my baby is feeling, whether he’s tired, upset, hungry, teething, sick, etc., if I nurse him, it automatically calms him down. What can I say, moms? Our breasts are magical.
• Immunity – With an older sibling at daycare, I was sure my son would get sick. After all, in the past year, Aliya has had Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease twice, pneumonia, pink eye twice, ear infections, and most recently a stomach virus. KJ has not contracted any of these. I suppose our breast milk is magical too.

The fact that our bodies are built to nourish, grow, and protect our children is nothing short of amazing to me. I feel so fortunate to have had both of these experiences, and I have absolutely no regrets.