I wrote this post when my son, Little Bug, was three weeks old and I was struggling to deal with his colic, which has now been diagnosed as silent reflux. I was barely functioning at the time and this was so raw. I can say that it has gotten better since then (he’s now 2 1/2 months old), which I will write about.
Ok, so I rescind my earlier statement that life with two is easy. I officially have a colic baby. It started a week ago, just after Little Bug turned two weeks old. He basically cries or grunts/squeals/fusses/screams all day and all night. I am losing my mind. The last two days have been better, and I think it is because he has been on probiotics for a week and they are starting to work a little. I am honestly beside myself at various times throughout the day (and night) because it is so incredibly frustrating. Plus, I am exhausted from lack of sleep and it is killing me a little.
Let me be brutally honest… I am not enjoying my life right now. I love him, I really do, but the constant unhappiness and crying is REALLY hard to deal with. I find myself getting extremely frustrated and even angry with him and that makes me feel like absolute crap. I know it isn’t his fault. I know he is in pain and that is why he is crying. I know that he would be happier if he felt better. ut holy moly, the incessant crying is so incredibly awful. It drains me. My fatigue is overwhelming. The worst part is that I am also having to deal with LeLe and she is a handful at best.
I am trying to be as honest as possible here, so I am going to level with everyone. Life is killing me. I feel like I can’t leave Little Bug with Mr. Cereal to get a break because he gets frustrated with him easily, and even though I know with 100% certainty that he would never do anything to hurt Little Bug, in my postpartum mind, I worry about everything. I actually don’t feel like I can leave him with anyone because I am terrified that they will get frustrated with him and harm him. I’m sure this would never actually happen, but in my mind I am the only person who can take care of him and tolerate his crying. I also think that being the mommy in this situation is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. I am trying the best I can and I feel like I am failing most of the time. I want a break. I want to escape for two hours and relax somewhere, but I know I will spend most of that time worrying. It is a brutal catch 22 and I am willing the days and weeks to go faster. I hate wishing away the newborn stage, but I am doing so every single day.
LeLe is being a toddler. Getting into everything. Being whiny and loud and crazy. She is also adjusting and it is hard for her. I think she just realized that Little Bug is not leaving. She has been wanting me to pick her up more and she wants more of my attention. It’s really hard when I can’t give her what she wants because I am feeding Little Bug. I was so worried that she was going to be upset when her little brother came home, but I am quickly realizing that I was actually scared about how I was going to adjust, not her.
I am hoping things will get better. I am hoping that I find ways to make Little Bug happier and less cranky. I really hope when things get better that I can forget what is happening now. I’m trying to do small things that make me happy, like writing here. I have decided to go back to work earlier than I had planned. I think the break of work will be good for me. Plus it will save me some vacation time and that is ideal. I hate leaving either of them, but in this case, I feel like I need to do this in order to save my sanity. Colic is said to last until 3 months and that is a ways off, so I think having the break and the mental stimulation of work will be really good for me and good for both of the kids.
Sorry this is so negative. I looked everywhere on the interwebs to read about other’s experiences with colic and they don’t really seem to exist, so I thought if I were totally honest, it might help other people going through the same thing. I am hoping that I can start doing updates that are a little more positive. Bear with me as I navigate through this. And please feel free to share your advice with me if you have any.
honeydew / 7504 posts
I love your honesty here. So very real and raw. I think many of us wish away the newborn days because they are SO hard! Our son will be 3 when #2 is born, and I’m very nervous about how he’s going to take it, but possibly, like you said, even more anxious about how I’m going to adjust to having to divide my time!
Also, completely unrelated, but my SN is Littlebug because it’s what I called my son in utero and Bug is still my nickname for him!
persimmon / 1281 posts
Looking forward to your update regarding silent reflux…my little one just got diagnosed and it’s so difficult. He’s on meds but it’s only been a few days so they haven’t kicked in yet. I’m loosing my mind.
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
I wished away the newborn days and my LO did not seem as upset as yours. I had a calendar with the weeks on it and I would count down every week.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@littlebug: Oh, I love your screen name! My male basset hound was always bug to us and he passed away two days after we found out that we were pregnant with little bug.
I wish that we could enjoy the newborn stage, but it is just so stressful. I am glad to almost be done with the “fourth trimester”.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@Portboston: I’m so sorry you are dealing with this also. I will tell you that it took a bit for the meds to really kick in and he still has some really awful days, but they are far less awful than they were off of meds. Hang in there! Take breaks if you need to.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@Grace: I’ve had a countdown in my head for December for this entire time because I am hoping that six month old little bug is a happier little guy.
apricot / 307 posts
Your post totally rang true with with me. The newborn months are exactly the reason that we won’t be having #3. I just can’t hack it, particularly since our second son was so difficult. Thanks for being so candid!
cherry / 204 posts
I had a similar experience with my son as a newborn. It was so hard and just miserable. Things started to improve at three months and by six months we were having a lot of fun and the all day all night scream fests were a distant memory.
My husband was easily frustrated by the baby when he was a newborn. As my son grew older and easier to soothe the two of them really started to bond and enjoy each other’s company. Now my favorite thing every day is watching them together.
I think for colic the best cure is time- ugh. I tried all the bouncy balls, swaddles and shushes I could and very little helped. I remember being so mad that baby wearing wasn’t magical for us. Letting others help with the baby was what kept me closer to sane. Good luck, you’re almost there!
persimmon / 1096 posts
This is so, so refreshing. I am very jealous of people who love the newborn phase – both my sons had MSPI, the second one has reflux too (he’s 7 months) and I wished away nearly every day of the newborn period. The screaming truly felt like it would never end, and I felt so desperate and even very angry in some moments. I’m a SAHM, and while I really do enjoy it and feel that it’s right for our family, I desperately wanted to go back to work when they were colicky. That mental break is essential. I hope things are better now!
persimmon / 1147 posts
This post has left me with a lump in my throat because we were so right there with colic just a few months ago. I just remember feeling all the feelings you had: guilt, anger, worry, sadness. Even now at 7 months DD2 Is often a super whining and demanding baby and still has various times of screaming but they are for short period of time instead of the hours it once was. I just remember feeling so guilty for my older LO who after awhile didn’t even seem to hear the baby crying. It tore me apart that this was her landscape that she deemed as being “normal.” I look through pictures of that time and feel really sad that I didn’t get to be one of those people that enjoyed the newborn phase and at the time would literally pray for it to pass on a daily basis. when she gets hysterical now all of a sudden I’m back where we once were when I would just hold her while she screamed thinking that maybe through the crying she at least knew I was holding her and trying to comfort her and show her I love her. But thank you for writing about colic. It is nice to know there are others who have struggled like we did because in real life I don’t know anyone who has had a colicky baby.
blogger / apricot / 431 posts
Thank you for your post. I can relate to a lot of what you said as both my little ones had tummy issues and reflux. Our first cried all day and my second cries and needs lots of breaks during feedings. It has gotten better with time…and I am always counting down the days until they are out of the newborn stage. Looking forward to reading more of your posts!!
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@sooz: I’m still going back and forth on a third baby and the number one reason I would opt to not is because I honestly don’t think I could handle a colicky/reflux baby again.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@akcoffeebean: Aw, thank you for your encouragement! I feel like we’ve tried everything too and nothing really works. We joke that anything works for 45 seconds…
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@keepcalmcarrie: Things are slowly improving and I finally feel like I am enjoying spending time with him in between the crying episodes.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@autumn865: I honestly think that the worst part about this is that I didn’t bond with him for quite a while and then I felt terrible every time I got angry with him. I knew rationally it wasn’t his fault, but it was almost like he hated us and that was such an awful feeling.
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
@Mrs. Pizza: I’m glad to commiserate with other moms about the awful newborn stage. It’s so nice to know that you aren’t alone in these situations. It certainly helps the sanity!
nectarine / 2433 posts
@Mrs. Cereal: Thank you for being honest about this. Everyone tells you it will all be rainbows and sunshine but sometimes it’s just not. I struggled so hard with my DD, she was a very colicky and has silent reflux. She is 4.5 months now and we are finally turning the corner and I am enjoying her more each day.
guest
I felt exactly the same, the first month after my son was born was the hardest of my life. He took a while to learn how to feed, has reflux (I’ve given up dairy which has helped a lot), my husband had to work the first week we were home from hospital, my nearly 3 year old was a nightmare. I felt like i was drowning. I don’t know how many times i cried or said “I’ve made a terrible mistake”! But now he is 2 months old and already everything feels much better. I think it’s good to be honest, I was expecting it to be hard work but I didn’t expect to feel like such a failure! Thankfully nothing in parenting lasts forever
guest
I feel for you. The newborn months for my #2 were incrediblely stressful. I did not have colic, but she would not let me put her down. My first baby was just under two, when baby #2 arrived so I can empathize with trying to hold and keep everyone happy and feeling loved. Hang in there!! For feedings, I did not get much alone time with the newborn..it always ended up being a group snuggle (me and both babies). Take as many photos and videos as you can during these early months! Due to all my postpartum stress and worrying, I hardy remember anything about baby #2’s first six months!