My maternal grandmother passed away recently at the age of 93. She immigrated to the States about 25 years ago and has led a quiet life here. Because of the language barrier, I didn’t really know her very well. She was also not the type of grandmother that was nurturing and warm, but more blunt about things which was typical of her generation. Before I got married, instead of asking how I was, she would tell me to hurry up and get married because I was getting old. Once I got married, instead of asking how married life was, she told me to hurry up and have a child because I should have had many children by my age now. Once I had Little SB, she told me to have another one because I was old. (Like I said, she was very blunt.) I think that’s how they showed they cared, by nagging and telling you what you should be doing. What’s the point of writing all of this?

After her passing, it got me thinking about why I didn’t have a close relationship with her or my grandfather, who passed away many years before her. When I was little, it was because they lived in Korea while I lived here. But once they immigrated to the States, they were close in proximity but I was going through my rebellious teenage phase and too immature to really want to spend time with them. As I got older, life just happened and things got busy, so I didn’t make that much of an effort aside from family gatherings. This made me think about my own daughter and my parents – especially my mom. I want them to have a close relationship. I want my mom to dote on her and for my daughter to love spending time with her own grandmother. I realize I have to be intentional in facilitating and fostering that kind of relationship between the two of them when she is young so that when she is older, she will hopefully look forward to spending time with both of her grandparents instead of being indifferent. I want to do this by giving them more opportunities to spend time together. My dad is actually really good at bonding with my daughter – he loves to play and hang out with her. Little SB really enjoys spending time with him, but my mom is not as warm or playful so she doesn’t gravitate towards her.

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Becoming a parent has been a difficult transition- not because my daughter is a hard child, but it’s so exhausting raising a child. It leaves room for little else than just the daily things to do to get through the day. I don’t know how those with more than one child do it – there are many days when I struggle with just one! It may look like it’s easy when we see people walking around with their perfect families or seeing the perfect Instagram or Facebook posts, but the struggle is real. Now that I’m used to the idea of taking care of another human being, I realize that I have to be more intentional about developing relationships. Part of me doesn’t want to make the effort because it’s just another thing to do on my never ending list of “to dos,” but this one is something that is important and I need to make a conscious effort for the sake of my daughter and our family.

Here are some ideas I had to help Little SB have a closer relationship with her grandparents.

  • Scheduling Playdates – I line up plenty of playdates for Little SB and other kids her age but I don’t do that with her grandparents. My dad is really good at playing with Little SB whenever we have dinner or a family gathering, but my mom is usually more concerned with taking care of food or just always busy and doesn’t really take the time to simply play. I need to schedule more dates with them so that they can play and hang out. I also need to encourage my mom to play with her.
  • One-on-One Time – When Little SB gets a little bit older, they can probably go on outings together which will help them bond.
  • Communicate More Often – My parents don’t live very far from us but we don’t see them as often as we should because everyone is busy, but I need to let Little SB “talk” to her grandparents more on the phone or even Skype/Facetime with them even if it’s just to say “hi.”
  • Share a Hobby – My parents are really into gardening and Little SB loves to help us at home with watering the trees or digging in the dirt. I think it would be a great for her to help them with their gardening once in a while.
  • Go on Vacation or a Trip Together – This one might be difficult to do because my parents are workaholics, but it might be fun to go on a trip together. It could be as simple as a day trip to the zoo or camping.

Ultimately, it comes down to just spending more time together. Whatever issues I have with my mom or dad should not be passed down to my child and her relationship with them. It is a brand new relationship which can develop and grow with time.

What are some ways you help your child bond with their grandparents?