Hellobee

Hello bees! Today I’m writing anonymously because I want to discuss a private topic: married sex!

In my last post about life-changing books, I explained how I was working on my marriage by stopping the pursuer-distancer cycle that had developed between my husband and myself. I’m still working hard to maintain boundaries, focus on my own problems instead of using my husband as a venting board, and pursue my husband in ways that increase our intimacy, instead of destroying it. For me, this meant putting a lot more energy into myself so that I could pour love on others. In essence, the old oxygen mask analogy.

I was hoping that our communication patterns would change for the better. But what I didn’t expect was for our sex life to improve! Paying more attention to myself boosted my self-esteem and gave me more confidence. I had more energy and was less prone to frustration. And putting distance between myself and my spouse meant that we had started to truly miss each other’s presence.

Once I realized that this was the natural consequence of the other changes I had made in my life, I started doing a little extracurricular reading.  I found Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity, and was completely spellbound by her insights into committed, monogamous sex. This book has become another one of those must-haves that I recommend to everyone I know (well, anyone to whom I feel comfortable talking about sex!).

Perel’s book isn’t about timing or technique, but instead on how to nurture the erotic energy between you and your spouse. Or, in less florid language, how to make sex spicy again. In the last four years I’ve spent only three months neither nursing nor pregnant, so as you can imagine I don’t often feel particularly spicy. As it often happens between parents, my husband and I were spending the majority of our one-on-one time talking about the kids, the five year plan, the in-laws, or our weekend plans. Worthwhile subjects, but not particularly sexy ones.

Looking back, one of the things that was holding me back was my assumption that I knew all there was to know about sex. I am a proud product of the public schools, Loveline with Dr. Drew, and The Real World. My husband and I met at a college that was, at the time, the number one party school in the nation. Nothing about sex shocked me. All the Cosmo articles about “Fifteen Ways to Spice up the Bedroom” seemed pretty stale and silly. What I didn’t understand is that I didn’t need to know more about sex, but instead more about how to cultivate an erotic energy in myself that I could bring to my relationship.

According to Perel, eroticism relies on independence. If we are not exercising our free will, we cannot embrace the erotic. As an example, Perel discusses how we tend to be the most attracted to our spouse when we are viewing them from afar: at a work event one sees her spouse from across the room, outside of her influence, and is reminded of the person he (or she) was when they first met.

And yet, in monogamous relationships, emotional closeness is of paramount importance. Parenting in particular relies on strong bonds of trust. But trust requires us to minimize our partners in some ways, to assume that we know everything there is to know about them. This kills the sexiness in the relationship. It is basic behavior I see in my toddler, who in the moment he gets a shiny new toy also grows bored with it. Relationships that are too emotionally intimate cannot spark a flame; we simply know too much about each other. As Perel says, “A sense of physical and emotional safety is basic to healthy pleasure and connection. Yet without an element of uncertainty there is no longing, no anticipation, no frisson….passion in a relationship is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate.”

So the first step, according to Perel, is to embrace our own freedom and exercise it as much as possible, particularly in ways that bring pleasure to our lives– for me, that’s engaging with art, music, and spending time outdoors. I for one have a hard time fitting pleasure for its own sake into my daily parenting and work routine, and when I do have free time, I prefer to spend it with my husband. And although I’m sure Perel would endorse spending quality time with your spouse, she directly advocates for a healthy amount of alone time as well. In addition to spending solo time, Perel also argues for giving your spouse full freedom to pursue outside interests too. This may mean spending less time doing family-oriented activities in deference to each spouse getting alone time to spend however they choose. This also means respecting each other’s right to privacy in all areas of life.

All of this alone time works to “otherize” your spouse in your eyes, and vice versa. Perel argues that marriage and monogamy tend to blind us to the separateness of our partner. In our efforts to build trust, we assume we know everything there is to know about them. To put the sexiness back into the relationship we have to acknowledge that our partner is an individual who is choosing to participate. In one of the most highlighted parts of the Kindle edition of the book, one of Perel’s friends muses that she doesn’t find her husband attractive because she “can’t want what she already has.” Perel responds with a biting truth: What makes you think you have your husband? She goes on, in a sentence that literally took my breath away: “The grand illusion of committed love is that we think our partners are ours. In truth, their separateness is unassailable, and their mystery is forever ungraspable. As soon as we can begin to acknowledge this, sustained desire becomes a real possibility.”

Mating discusses how the modern emphasis on communication in relationships can be dampening to erotic intimacy. When we never go to bed angry, or leave it all on the table (to use a few shopworn cliches), we do not have enough emotional energy left for good sex. And when we do not cultivate our own private mental space, we do not have self-esteem necessary to be sexually giving.

I found Perel’s advice to be a fresh breath of air because it runs counter to so much of what is typically suggested to women for how to improve our sex life. So much of what is marketed to women is a mandate, with sex as a performance rather than a pleasure. When we are single, we read the aforementioned Cosmo articles to learn how to perform in the bedroom. Later, when we are TTC, we learn how to use sex for procreative purposes. Then when we are new parents who hardly have time to sleep, much less have sex, we are exhorted to make it a priority, to go through the motions: schedule date nights, get pedicures, force ourselves to write sexy texts, etc. We read that sex is a necessity in marriage, and then feel guilty when we aren’t putting forth our best effort. Sex is a performance, a utility, an obligation, but never just something for pleasure only, no strings attached. What Perel gets right is that until we put ourselves first sexually, we can never be an enthusiastic partner for someone else. One of my favorite moments in the book is when she advises her clients to make a list of ten ways they turn themselves on and off. This list forces us to acknowledge that we have power over our own libido. I made a list for myself and was surprised to find that the number one way I turn myself on is by shooting the lights out at work!

There is a lot more to Perel’s book than what I’m covering here. There is discussion of cultivating an inner fantasy world, learning how to communicate without words, and how our cultural background and family life contribute to our ideas about sex. Some of her advice may be uncomfortable for those of us who (like myself) put a high value on monogamy. For example, Perel advocates engaging “the shadow of the third”: if not outright being in an open (what Dan Savage calls “monogamish”) relationship, at least playing with the idea that our partner can be attracted to people other than us. This might be something as simple as asking each other what we find attractive in other people as way to gain insight into before-hidden parts of their mind. YMMV, of course!

Perel has done two big TED talks in recent years.  If you find my review interesting, you can learn more by checking them out:

http://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en

What are your favorite resources for married (or long-term committed) sex?