We all know toddlers are known for meltdowns. It’s kind of their thing. But, of course, as parents we want to minimize those tantrums and meltdowns as much as we possibly can. I, for one, am always looking for ways that I can make our day-to-day easier and reduce the amount of time we spend in a power struggle. Jackson is definitely in the “toddler meltdown” phase, and I’m always looking for any little thing I can do to make our lives easier!

One of my favorite strategies for reducing tantrums is giving choices. Toddlers don’t have a lot of control in their lives, and they reach a point where they want to start exerting their independence and they don’t want to let you decide on everything for them. Jackson has recently begun showing this a lot in certain areas – for example, he’s very picky about what books we can read before bed, about what snacks he eats, and what shoes he wears to school. We can easily enter a full-blown tantrum if I don’t slow down and let him make some decisions.

Here are some general tips and tricks for giving choices to toddlers:

– Limit your options to no more than three. I’d even say to limit to two choices when you’re first starting with decision making. Too many choices will just overwhelm your toddler and may lead to even more meltdowns. For example, instead of asking “what do you want for a snack?” you could say, “do you want a banana or an orange?”

– Remember “what,” not “if.” Don’t ask if your toddler wants a snack, ask what they want for a snack. Don’t ask if she wants to wear a sweater in case she gets cold, ask what sweater she wants to wear. Sometimes we get a little too open with letting our toddlers make choices and we give them choices on things that aren’t really options – you want them to think they have control over the situation, when in reality they only have control over a piece of the situation that you’re allowing them to have control over. Toddlers don’t always know what is best for them, so give choices on things that are insignificant to you, but may be important to them.

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– Double check to confirm. We’ve all been there – your kid tells you they want to eat a banana for a snack, but as soon as you start peeling it they start screaming for an orange. No big deal if you don’t mind trading it out, but if you’re in a hurry or otherwise just don’t want to deal with trading out the snack, it may be helpful to remind your toddler before you get started that their decision is final. A quick reminder such as, “you picked the blue shoes, so once we put them on we can’t switch to the red shoes” may eliminate any misunderstanding. Then, of course, you have to stick to it! If he starts screaming for the red shoes as soon as the blue ones touch his feet, you can just calmly reply “you chose the blue shoes” and move along with your day. You may have some tantrums in the beginning as he or she is learning how to make good choices, but soon they’ll realize that once they choose something they have to stick with it.

– Don’t offer a choice when there isn’t one available. Often we shoot ourselves in the foot when we’re trying to teach kids how to make choices by accidentally asking for their opinion when we don’t really want it. This goes along with the “what, not if” from above, but is a little more general. It comes naturally to a lot of us to say “do you want to go to the grocery store?” when we really mean “we are going to the grocery store,” but that’s confusing to toddlers. They’re learning how to make choices, so you have to honor the ones they do make – be careful not to accidentally offer a choice that isn’t actually available to them.

– Look for choices and control in the hardest parts of your day. We’ve all got certain times of day that are harder than others. For us, the 30-45 minutes where we are cooking dinner is the hardest part of our day – Jackson is hungry and wants to help, and Mr. Garland and I just need a few minutes of being left alone to get dinner on the table. I’ve found that incorporating choices and control into this time of day has drastically cut down on tantrums. I let him decide what he wants to play with while he’s “helping” me, I let him decide where his learning tower will be while we’re cooking, and I look for ever opportunity to let him help in any way possible. If getting dressed in the morning is the hardest time of your day, let them choose between two different shirts, two different shoes, etc. Toddler tantrums are often all about not feeling in control, so giving some of that control back can make a huge difference in your day.

– Say it with me: “That’s not a choice right now.” Sometimes your toddler won’t be happy with the choices you give them. They’re screaming for the purple t-shirt, but it’s dirty and just isn’t available right now. It may be tempting to get into a big conversation over why it isn’t available and over-explain it to your child. Sometimes that’s appropriate, and that’s fine, but if you’re on the verge of a tantrum your best course of action is to keep things simple – just reminding your toddler “that’s not a choice right now” eliminates any possibility of getting into a power struggle and puts the decision back into their hands. You can remind them of their options, but stay firm and calm in reminding them that they have to choose one of the options you already presented.

Jackson is just now getting to the age of being able to make choices, and we’re starting to see some of the typical toddler power struggles. I have a feeling this is a technique we’ll be employing a lot over the next few months and years!

How do you incorporate choices and control into your child’s day?