Hellobee

There’s no way to say it except directly: becoming parents has been the most challenging paradigm shift in my five-year marriage and nearly twelve-year relationship with my husband. Challenges in and of themselves aren’t necessarily negative, but they do require effort, focus, determination and, dang it, even a positive attitude, all of which are attributes that can be difficult to balance whilst sleep-deprived and learning to embrace an entirely new version of yourself. Which is all to say growing and changing as a person whilst your partner does too, and giving yourself and each other grace, is HARD.

In this past year, this first year of parenthood, I have learned how I handle heavy internal-personal, emotional-pressure, and how Mr. Milk responds to my response. I’ve had to admit that I suck as a human being at three in the morning (not my best self, as I like to say – giving myself grace, it’s a work in progress, people), and anything I say can and should NOT be held against me in the court of marriage.  I’ve felt, and seen the effects of, myself become softer around the edges – calmer, more loving, more patient, quicker to laugh. I’ve felt, and seen the effects of, guilt when all of the frustrations and lack of sleep prevent me from being this softer, kinder new version of myself, and know that I have the power to control my reaction, always. I’ve felt, and seen the effects of, my moods and current state of confidence hitting my husband hard in the face and challenging his notion of the person he married, the version of me he has held in his mind. So much positive, and so much hard, in that friends.

On the other side of this year though, I can say: I’d do it all again, even the icky, sticky, painful parts. I know so much more about myself and my marriage, and the kind of partner and parent I am and want to be. If you’re there – you had one of those nights where the baby didn’t make life easy, or heck, the baby was perfect but still. And you found yourself spitting, flaming angry at your partner and you’ve woken up a bit numb and wondering ‘what is this? am I really angry? do I care?’ Let me give you this: yes. to all of it. Just yes. You’re probably angry, hurt, confused, indifferent, and tired – bone deep emotionally tired and probably physically tired too – and you’re thinking you’re not sure you need a partner to do this parenting thing but DAMN IT YOU NEED A PARTNER TO DO THIS PARENTING THING all at the same time.

Truth – your partner probably feels all these things too, to different degrees. And you both might have some resentment. Strike that, you DEFINITELY have resentment because you pushed that kid out of your body and now your body is completely different, and you had to suck it up and be ok, and maybe go back to work before you felt ready, and maybe you feel like you know how to do this parenting thing right, and better, and what the hell does your partner do? Ok, maybe they do night wake ups with you, or for you, or maybe they do all of the diaper changes and maybe they try to give you some hours to yourself from time to time, which you resent that you can’t actually enjoy because shouldn’t you want to be with your kid all the times you possibly can and soak this up?

Again, yes. Yes to all of it. I have spent the last ten months (jeez, is that all?) doing most of the day care drop offs, and pick ups, and have done evenings or nights solo 40% of that time (Yes, I did the math. Resentment needs food, people, and data is its favorite kind of dessert) and I simultaneously loved and hated it, and above all, I’ve blamed my partner for his job that makes all of this our reality. And we’ve had to have come-to-Jesus conversations, and there have been tears, and here’s what I’ve learned. We’re a work in progress, but I know we got this. Because when I’m well rested and Will isn’t being a turd (you know, a blossoming toddler), I love my partner more than anything and I am so grateful that he’s just the best damn co-parent, spouse and human in the world. So I hold on to those feelings, and the following:

1. Give voice to my feelings, good and bad. Acknowledge them, name them, and in doing so, I find which ones are real and which ones are being conflated with others, and which ones need actual attention.
2. But try to keep this voice between my partner and myself. It’s too easy to complain to friends and coworkers about my terrible husband, and it feels good in the moment – but in the end, I usually feel horrible that I’ve aired a negative feeling that was mostly a passing thing, or that I’ve shared something incredibly emotionally deep with people other than the person I actually need to discuss it with – my husband himself. A few years ago, Mr. M and I read The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I clearly need to re-read it (see bullet five below) because most of what I remember is what not to do. One of those things to avoid is putting up walls with your spouse and building and opening windows which used to be or should be reserved for your spouse to others. Meaning, opening yourself emotionally (or physically) to someone else whilst closing those pieces to your partner. It’s a recipe for disaster and scandal, and, well, an unhealthy marriage. This principle has stuck with me, and guides me in this point.
3. Don’t keep score. This is so hard but so important. I’ve stopped remembering whose turn it is to give Will his bath and who changed his poopy diaper last. Except it was me, just in case you didn’t know.
4. But actively try to skew the score toward my partner. I know, what?! I actually try to do more of the parenting, and housework, to put my gratitude in action. It makes me feel like a better human, and it makes my partner want to do the exact same thing – so we end up doing it together, which is all I really want, in the end.
5. Seek out information. I have a lists of books about marriages, and marriages with a baby that I need to read. I find Huffington Post Parents to have timely articles which resonate with my realities. I have a long list of books I’ve found that I plan to read (here, here, and here). Remembering that I’m not the first to live through this life altering thing called baby makes three helps.
6. But know that information in the end is good but committing to work on it is even better. In the discussions we’ve had about rough times and new realities, Mr. Milk and I have thrown around the idea of a counselor. We’re open to the idea, if our conversations and the work we are doing alone doesn’t feel like enough, or right, or doesn’t have an effect anymore. We try not to throw around the D word as a threat to hurt one another – and we don’t see that as a default to rough patches and shedding skins of our old selves as we grow and change. We name and try to live a commitment to honesty, even when it means a full weekend of ad nauseum conversations about what’s not working, and trying to figure out why, in between naps and dishes and laundry and, you know, life.

If you have a partner, what you have you learned about your relationship since becoming a parent? What helped you become the new you and love your ‘new’ relationship reality?