Imagine for a second that you were happily married and truly in love with your partner, but one day, he announces that sometime in the near future, you’ll be living with a new partner. You stare at him blankly, not sure exactly what he means by that and continue on with your day. He keeps bringing this up now and then and you nod like you understand, but are still not really sure what he means.
Then, one morning, he brings you to a familiar place and introduces you to someone new. This, he explains, is the new partner he’s been telling you about. You stare, afraid and anxious, and hide behind your partner, even though he reassures you that this new person is safe and nice and that you’ll be happy together. Soon, your meeting is over and you head back home with your partner, shaken and concerned, but you take heart in the fact that you are still with your partner. You spend the next few weeks together and try not to leave your partner’s side, unsure of if and when he might actually leave.
A month after that first meeting, you suddenly find that your things are packed and your partner tells you sadly that today is the day and that you must prepare to say goodbye and live your new life. You reluctantly follow your partner back to that familiar place and when you arrive, you see that new person with a huge smile on his face, eagerly waiting for you. Your partner, however, is sad and hugs you goodbye, wishing you a good life and telling you that he he will miss you and always love you.
Suddenly, you are placed into a car and in the arms of this new person and taken away. You watch through the window as your partner weeps and sadly waves a final goodbye. This new person attempts to comfort you in a language that sounds like your own, but not quite. He smells different, feels different, and you’re not quite sure you want to be near him, but because your partner seemed to trust him, you hesitantly let him comfort you. You follow him as he brings you to an unfamiliar place and reluctantly stay close to his side because you know no one else around you.
Bedtime is the hardest as you find yourself sharing a bed with someone who is essentially a stranger. And waking up in the morning next to him makes your realize that this is, in fact, permanent. Each day after that feels confusing and you find yourself in a haze, going along with the motions, following this new person.
A few days later, you board a strange contraption that the new person tells you is an airplane. You ride, scared and confused for what seems like an eternity, begging to get off. After some time, you finally do get off, and are greeted by hordes of people that look excited to see you, even though you are not, in the least bit, excited to see them. You sit and stare while your new person is congratulated on your arrival.
Then you are, again, taken away in a car and when you are told to get out, the new person looks at you warmly and says, “Finally. Here we are. Welcome home,” Except it doesn’t feel like home. Not to you.
And that, my friends, while it might seem a little melodramatic, is a little bit of what international adoption feels like for the children who are adopted. While adoption is, in many ways, a beautiful thing, many forget that it always begins with loss. Though it is an incredibly happy time for the family that has brought this amazing and brave child home, it is an incredibly sad and difficult time for the child. It is no wonder that moments of sorrow and confusion that follow are called grieving. Because that is what the child is doing — grieving over a life and love lost.
Our sweet Lil’ CG misses her foster family so much and frequently cries out for her umma, her mom, and I know that at those times, she does not mean me. While we have been background-checked and vetted during our adoption process, to her, we are pretty much strangers that have taken her away from the only family she has known and loved.
Lil’ CG’s foster mom did her best to prepare her, showing her pictures we had sent and teaching her that we were her new family. Thankfully, because of this, Lil’ CG did recognize us, especially her big brother, but there is only so much a 2 year old can understand about adoption and about receiving a new family.
We have been together for a week now, and each day is better than the last. Bedtimes and wake ups have been the hardest, because, if you think about it, they are such intimate moments between a caregiver and child. There are sad, sorrowful tears and cries during those times, but the encouraging part is that she has let us, particularly me, comfort her during those moments and does not push us away. We have seen smiles and laughter, but the grieving is still present, still just under the surface, and we don’t know when it will show up.
But, here’s the thing. As difficult as it is to watch and endure, grieving is a good thing. It means that our little girl was truly connected to her foster family and that she knows how to form a strong bond with a primary caregiver. While she is grieving over the loss of her foster mother right now, her grief shows that she will eventually be able to transfer this trust and love towards us.
We are taking it one day at a time and comforting our Lil’ CG any and every time she needs it. Everyday is a fresh one with more smiles and laughter, but we aren’t letting our guard down yet. We know this grieving process will take time and that it will come and go with some regression likely here and there. But, we’re holding out hope in knowing that each day that she is in our care, she is learning to trust us more and more and that some day, in the near future, we won’t just be the new people in her life anymore. To her, one day soon, we’ll truly be her family.
*Thank you so much for all of your incredibly sweet and thoughtful words on my last two posts. I apologize for not being able to respond individually to all of you. Please know that your kind words have encouraged us so, so much!
hostess / cantaloupe / 6486 posts
This was beautifully written. I’m tearing up. She is absolutely precious and yall are in my thoughts during this difficult transition.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
I’m so happy to see this because it’s crossed my mind so, so many times. Your journey is a happy and incredible one- but she has this need to grieve the loss of her family too. She is so blessed to have a mama and a family like you. I will be thinking of you all during this transition time.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
She is just adorable and thank you for letting us have a better insight into how they feel! I hope that the transition will go as well as it can!
apricot / 409 posts
This post really tugged at my heart. Thinking of you and your family and wishing you the best during this transition period. She is absolutely adorable!!
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
Such a tough time in her life so bittersweet. She is SO adorable btw. Glad she has you to comfort her during the hard times. Even the best things in life are tough sometimes. Thinking of you guys.
pineapple / 12793 posts
CG is just a few months younger than my oldest and throughout your posts I’ve tried to imagine my daughter in CG’s shoes. What a brave girl she is. Much love to you all!
kiwi / 635 posts
She is so brave and beautiful!! Look at you dressing her all cute already!
Thank you for the glimpse into international adoption thru this post. My heart swells and eyes fill with tears. It’s a broken world indeed but with many glimpses of beauty and redemption and love.
grapefruit / 4045 posts
This was the saddest, and then sweetest, thing I’ve read in a while. Congratulations on your little girl. Best wishes to you all!
nectarine / 2028 posts
Goodness, is she ever beautiful! Like you said, it’s so, SO hard to watch, but it means she is able to attach emotionally which is incredibly important. Wishing you all love and light during this transition.
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
@oliviaoblivia: That’s the same thing I keep thinking too. I can’t imagine her having to go through that.
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
@oliviaoblivia: @Grace: me three
I can only imagine how difficult and emotional this transition must be. sending my thoughts and love to you and your fam
pineapple / 12053 posts
@oliviaoblivia: and that thought just sent me over the emotional cliff.
What a poignant post about the depth of feelings your girl is going through and she’s lucky to have someone who wants to know and understand and give her the space to feel all that.
nectarine / 2797 posts
What a beautiful girl. Hoping that all of you continue to move forward and her pain eases.
pomelo / 5084 posts
She is absolutely adorable! She could not be cuter!
honeydew / 7444 posts
What a beautifully written post.
She is such a brave girl. I hope things continue to get better for your family.
pomelo / 5621 posts
This is a beautiful post. What a gorgeous little girl she is.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@Mrs. Sunshine: @Freckles: @snowjewelz: @tiramisu: @Mrs. Palette: @mamabolt: @agold: thank you so much
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@wrkbrk: she definitely is a cutie pie!
hostess / wonderful persimmon / 25556 posts
Wow. I cried through your post. I had never thought about it in that way. You’re doing a wonderful job.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@Mrs. Pen: @ChiCalGoBee: yep, it’s excruciating to watch sometimes, but the grieving is so necessary and such an important part of her processing. Tonight was the first night she didn’t cry at bedtime, so I know we’re making progress and moving forward, but I know it’s also a few steps forward one step back…thanks for your well wishes and happy thoughts.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@oliviaoblivia: @Grace: @chopsuey: @birdofafeather: I know, during the last bit of our wait, whenever I saw one of my friends’ two year-olds, I would get choked up thinking about hard it was going to be for our little girl. It’s so upsetting that they have to wait so long to be placed with their forever families (for really, no good reason), but it has really given me better perspective as to what it’s like for our brave kiddos.
papaya / 10343 posts
Every time I’ve read about your sweet little girl I’ve cried because I can’t imagine how hard this is for her. I know it is best long term, and she’s so lucky to have you, but in the short term it is just heart breaking. She’s so lucky you understand how hard this is and don’t just expect her to be happy right now. Love and luck to you all.
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
This is really beautiful.
I am so curious and in awe of the foster parents. Who are these people who love babies as their own for years while simultaneously preparing them to go home to their new families? I can’t imagine how they do it but it’s really amazing.
cantaloupe / 6885 posts
Beautiful words, beautiful little girl. Like PPs I think of my 2 year old daughter while I read your series…your DD is so incredibly brave – and so incredibly lucky to have her forever family with you.
blogger / apricot / 431 posts
Thanks for sharing and giving more insight into this whole process.
cantaloupe / 6146 posts
What a beautifully written post. You are such a beautiful soul to see this from her perspective.
guest
This tugged at my heart strings. God bless you.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
Gahhh, this was the wrong post to read first thing in the morning! Bawling my eyes out at my desk!
This is so beautiful though, and it really shows how much understanding and empathy you have for what Lil’ CG is going through. She doesn’t know it yet, but she’s so lucky to have you as her Mom. So much love to you and your family.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@mrs.kiwi: oh man, your comment made me tear up!! broken, indeed.
and yes, it’s kind of ridiculous how much fun i’m having dressing her!
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@Adira: @Charm54: @Mae: Oh, gosh, WE are the lucky ones! I can’t believe we get to be parents to two amazing, brave, and resilient kids! So blessed.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@Foodnerd81: i know, isn’t it incredible? i can’t imagine having to say goodbye to someone you’ve raised for over 2 years…CB’s foster mom stopped fostering after him because she could no longer take the heartache of saying goodbye to the children, especially since the process was getting longer and longer. Some of the children are now coming home at 3 years-old and it breaks my heart to think of the their loss and the loss of their foster parents. So hard. And so selfless.
pineapple / 12566 posts
Such a beautiful post! I hope each day brings you closer to one another and helps her little heart heal.
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
She’s absolutely adorable! And your comparison story hits straight to the heart.
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
Thanks so much for this post. Sending nothing but love for your family
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
There are so many incredible people in this story – Lil’ CG, your family, her foster parents, you are all incredible. Baby C is just about the same age and I can’t fathom going through something similar with her, on either side. So much love to you all!
eggplant / 11408 posts
Oh wow. Heartbreak and healing, grief and joy…so much emotion for a little girl! Sending love and light to you
A question: will she still have any contact with her foster mom? Do you write or send pictures?
apricot / 317 posts
I appreciate this! When we brought our DS home from Korea, his grief was profound. Eventually, he DID transfer his love and attachment to us, but it was slow going for quite some time. And you are right….the fact that she is grieving is a very positive sign that she has formed a healthy attachment to her foster family!
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@LovelyPlum: yes, we hope to! Our US agency encourages us to wait on direct contact until a year post-placement, but we’ll be sending them photos through the Korean agency. We have direct contact with Lil’ CB’s foster family and it is wonderful! We got to meet up with them when we were in Korea in August and it was a moment we will cherish forever…it was so, so special for all of us.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@tlynne: it’s so interesting how it’s different for every child! Even seeing the differences during the transition periods for Lil’ CB and Lil’ CG has been so interesting and very indicative of their personalities, I think! How long has your DS been home?
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@lamariniere: @Alivoo01: @Mrs. Tiger: thank you so very much
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@Mrs. Carrot: I know! Try as I might, it’s so hard to understand the pain her tender little heart is going through right now!
And, I haven’t forgotten about your comment on my last post — We’d love to have a play date with you and Baby C!
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
@Mrs. Cowgirl: No worries at all, the offer is always open. I can only imagine how much you have to think about these days.
pomegranate / 3779 posts
What a beautiful post and its always good to get a reminder that adoptions start with a loss, no matter how well they turn out. She is gorgeous.
pomelo / 5220 posts
what an amazing perspective, I’ve never thought of it from the child’s point of view before. She’s a brave and resilient little girl (and super adorable!).
honeydew / 7295 posts
Thinking of you. I hope you will both get through this difficult adjustment period as quickly as possible and soon enjoy a beautiful mother daughter relationship. She is lovely
apricot / 317 posts
@Mrs. Cowgirl: DS (Eli) came home August 2012. He was 17 months old. It took a couple months for him to stop looking and asking for his foster family, and had sleep disturbances for nearly a year afterward. He also wouldn’t go into an elevator for quite some time afterward; I think it was because the last night he saw his foster mother was as the elevator doors were closing at SWS. But today, he is a happy-go-lucky, spunky, and well-adjusted four year old.
blogger / nectarine / 2687 posts
@tlynne: oh, goodness, that just breaks my heart! Our children are incredibly brave…so glad Eli is fully settled in and adjusted now!
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
I love this analogy. Such a good reminder that adoption is not always rose-colored glasses.
Some dear friends of ours from church just brought home their daughter from China a couple of weeks ago and I have loved watching both of your journeys.
Also, she is such a beautiful girl! And very stylish already too!
kiwi / 511 posts
I
this so much and your post brought back so many memories of our journey home.