During my second pregnancy, our part-time nanny got pregnant. At the time, Ohana was about 2.5 years old. Being a planner, I started thinking ahead about what we would do about childcare for Ohana and the new baby. Ohana was reaching that age of needing more stimulation and interaction outside the home, so it felt like great timing to have her start at a preschool a couple days per week, four hours per day. If things went well with the preschool, we would increase her days when baby was born and we would hire a part-time nanny for the baby.

Fast forward: Romi was born and things were unfolding as planned. Ohana was thriving at her preschool and our current nanny was getting ready to have her baby. About a month before I was scheduled to go back to work, I started poking around for new nanny options. After striking out on a personal reference from my community, I posted a job on a popular online caregiver site.

We interviewed a girl (let’s call her J) who was 24 and had a very earthy and grounded disposition. We called her references and all of them raved about her except one. She and I had a very lengthy conversation where this woman said J needed direction: she was not intuitive about what activities to do with her kids (not a red flag to me). This woman was a talker and went on to say that she thought she moved to our town to “better her life.” I probed on what that meant but she seemed hesitant to say anything more. I probed hard. What do you mean? Was she in trouble? Was she into drugs? Was she a bad girl? Were there rumors? Did something happen? The answer was no to these things, but I got the feeling this woman knew something about J that she didn’t feel was appropriate to talk about. I felt unsettled by that, but truthfully I thought the woman I spoke to was a bit wacky so who knew what the real deal was.

We decided to give J a shot. The plan was to have J shadow me for 3 weeks before I went back to work. I was going to be home 100% the first week then slowly leave the girls alone with her if all seemed well. If I sensed anything off at all, I would know it because she and I would be spending a lot of time together. And I think I have a pretty good sense for these things. We felt good about J and the arrangement.

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J started and was terrific. She was sensitive and intuitive with both girls while showing respect and confidence with me. Ohana was really drawn to her and all felt right.

The Monday I went back to work, I got home and Missus Scooter told me that J had some devastating news. A childhood friend was in a terrible accident and was on life support with no possibility of recovering. Her family was deciding when to take her off life support. The circumstances of the accident were really awful. The magnitude of this situation was overwhelming to me, let alone a 24 year old. We felt so bad for J.

When she came to work on Tuesday morning, she looked terrible and we told her to take time off; go see her friend or do whatever she needed to do to take care of herself. She was adamant that she didn’t want to take time off – being with the girls was a good distraction and uplifting. It made sense to us but we kept our eye on her.

Thursday, Missus Scooter and Ohana were leaving for a camping trip and J would be with Romi until I got home from work. When I got home, I immediately noticed something wrong with J. She would not make eye contact and she was talking strangely. She was jumbling her words. I started asking her questions so I could observe her more. I also asked her what we owed her for the week and she took a very long time to figure it out and calculated the figure wrong (I already knew what we owed her). I knew she was under the influence of something, I just didn’t know what.

As I walked to my bedroom to get money to pay her, my heart was beating so fast. My first response was to deny this. But I was very clear she was altered. My second response was to not deal with it head on. This was very uncomfortable. I wanted to handle it later. But as I looked at my 4 month old in my arms, my mama bear reared up and I knew I would not be chickening out.

I came back to the living room and said we needed to talk and she needed to tell me what was going on. J said she was really tired and hadn’t been sleeping. I said no, that was not it. I told her I knew she was under the influence and asked her what she had taken. She attempted to get serious and look me in the eye, but that was a joke. She somberly said she wasn’t under the influence and she would never do that while watching my babies. I said that’s right…you won’t, because these little beings are the most important thing in my life.

At that point, there really wasn’t much more to say. It was an awkward space…she hadn’t told me the truth but there was nothing more I could do to get the real story out of her. I said I’d see her later then I gave her a hug because I wanted to smell her (maybe she smoked some pot?). I didn’t smell anything.

After she left my heart raced even more. I got really upset and angry as the gravity started to sink in. I called Missus Scooter (setting up a tent in the mountains) and told her what happened. She was really angry and immediately said we would be firing her. After talking a bit, we agreed to sit on it over the weekend. We talked a lot over the weekend about what to do and we both thought that another conversation was required.

I sent J a text on Sunday and said there was an unfinished conversation that needed to take place and could she please call us when she was alone and ready to talk. We never received a response to the text or a call. On Monday morning, J never showed up. Missus Scooter tried to call her but her phone went right to voicemail (it was shut off). We discussed the possibility of calling her roommate that afternoon if we still had not heard from her. If something had happened to her, we needed to let the authorities know. What a mess.

A few hours later, I got an email from J’s mother (whom I had never spoken to/emailed). She explained that her daughter suffered from bi-polar disorder and had a history of abusing alcohol. She had been sober for about a year and was trying to better her life by moving to our town, but with the recent passing of her friend, she relapsed. On Saturday, J checked herself into a 90 day rehab. Her mother apologized for the whole situation.

Whoa.

I felt sad. Then angry. Then dejected. Then I second-guessed my judgment (for hiring her). Then I felt sad again.

There were really no lingering strings with J…she was only with us about a month…except for two carseats that we installed in her car. I replied to her mom and told her I was sorry to hear this and that rehab sounded like the best place for J. I inquired about the carseats and asked if they could please be returned or if we could pick them up. I never got a response to my email. We needed to buy two new carseats to give to our new nanny.

We checked our liquor cabinet and found a half a bottle of vodka missing. Another gut punch.

Fast forward 6 weeks (now). We found a new nanny and I have let the whole thing go. I was asked to provide a reference for another girl on the same caregiver website. I was looking at my account and happened to see J’s profile. I clicked on it and the “pictures” section caught my eye. It seemed as though there were new pictures. Could that be or was I just not remembering correctly? Then I noticed “Last Login: Today” on her page.

I don’t know why this caught me off guard but it surely did. I have so many questions. Is she out of rehab? Is she trying to get a job providing childcare? What was going on? The answers to many of my questions are none of my business, and really, I don’t want to know because I don’t want to be involved.

However…it did bring up a question for me that I am seeking input on. Do I have an obligation to parents that may look to hire J? Should I alert the website administrator about the incident and let them handle it according to their policies? Should I write a “review” on J’s page (not with details)? Or should I allow parents to make a call on J on their own?

I am worried about “getting involved” for a few reasons: J knows where we live, knows things about our house and family and I don’t want an enemy. I don’t think she’s the type to retaliate, but truthfully I don’t know J. I also don’t want J’s past or this incident to define her and who am I to decide whether she’s fit to be watching children? Maybe this time she really will be and stay sober.

Then the other part of me kicks in and I think the information should be out there and if it was made known to me, I probably wouldn’t have chosen J as a caregiver and thus would have avoided this whole situation.

So….I am looking for your input. What do you think I should do?