Hellobee

My mother and I have always had a very contentious relationship, and even as an adult, I struggle with it often. Fundamentally, at the core, my mother and I are two vastly different people. If I want to go left, she almost always wants to go right (this is even how we fall politically!). And this has been the case since I was born.

When I was born my mother had a lot of expectations, mainly that I would be a carbon copy of her in many ways, which sadly never panned out. Whether by nature or nurture, my mother and I simply cut from two different cloths. That in itself isn’t as large of an issue though, as the fact my mother has been unable to let go of those expectations, and accept the reality of how different we are in personality, interests, goals, and life views. Time and time again we clash as she tries to push me toward her decisions, ideals, and desires, which of course leads to frustration and hurt feelings as she can’t understand why I want to upset her, and I can’t understand why I can’t be liked for being who I am apart from her.

My number one goal and hope when I became a parent was that I never wanted to force my children to be anything other than what they were already. I thought it would be easy for me to implement this. But the truth is it isn’t easy, and I can see why at times this is and was hard on my mother.

Everyone has expectations. We all have hopes and dreams and becoming a parent doesn’t change those ideals. Instead at times it intensifies them as you lay out plans in your mind long before your children even enter the world. It’s been humbling to see how despite my own desires to give my children something different than what I experienced growing up, I too fall prey to wanting my children to live up to these hopes I hang onto. Nowhere has this experience been more challenging for me than with Drake. As my only son, my oldest child, and the one through which I experience every milestone and goal as a parent, I am challenged often as Drake undeniably marches to the beat of his own drum. With his diagnosis of Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD), Drake sets up many unique scenarios for me as a parent that I never thought of when he was a tiny little sprout living inside my tummy.

SPD makes Drake different from lots of little boys. Time and time again I see it reflected in Drake at the park, in school events, and even at play dates with peers. He is too loud, too large with his movements and behaviors, and at times both unaware and awkward. None of this is what I had imagined as I held him as a newborn, dreaming of the day he would be a kindergartner playing with friends and attending the very activities he is doing now. I often feel embarrassed, at times frustrated wanting Drake to be more like the other kids and fit in better and be less… well less Drake.

And then I remember my own struggles. My own worries about why my mother was always unhappy with me. How much she tried to cram me into the mental picture she had of me, when it simply didn’t resemble me at all. It shakes me up inside when I see myself acting this way to my boy who is being exactly who he should be — himself and not a model of my own making.

I won’t lie and say it hasn’t been hard letting go of these expectations, hopes and wishes. Drake doesn’t fit in those dreams I had of a well mannered boy, who was basically a cardboard cut-out instead of a real life person. But I have to remember that those thoughts were in my imagination too and Drake has no idea about them. All he knows is that every morning he wakes up with his boundless energy ready to take on the day, and that I am his mommy; the one who teaches him stuff, kisses him when he is hurt, plays all the games his imagination can concoct, and who loves him every second of every day because he is her Drake.

Drake has no expectations of me, and if he did I probably would fall woefully short. Yet he loves and wants me to be exactly who I am for him, and in return I need to remember and do the same for him.