I have two younger sisters and I am the oldest of the three of us. This is usually what I tell people when I first meet them, depending on how much I think the person will actually turn out to be involved in my life. The truth is, I have but never knew, another older sister. She died of leukemia about two years before I was born.
Looking back now and becoming a mother myself, I now understand and see things as they are and not through my childhood lens. What happened to my parents was awful, devastating and broke them in many ways. This was their first daughter and they literally watched her die, day by day. She would be almost 36 today and back then, cancer treatment for her was experimental and many things were unknown. There wasn’t much they could do for my sister when they found out. At the time she was just under two and she lived about six months longer.
My parents told my sisters and I bits and pieces growing up. They told us her name, they had pictures of her in the house, and a few special items from her very short life — her teddy bear, t-shirts from fundraisers, a giant mickey mouse. I could sense the pain in my mother all my life; she’s guarded, strong, quiet, tough. People don’t exactly understand her because I think she lives a bit in both worlds. One part with her daughters here, and one part with her daughter who isn’t here.
It was just recently that I realized I was a bit different too. I realized that the fact that I would study her pictures and read her obituary when no one knew was surely not a “regular” childhood activity. I didn’t really know that my friends had not been exposed to death the way I had as a child; it was just there, she was a part of me and so was her death. I remember sneaking into my parents’ room and looking through their picture albums of my sister as a young child. Did she look like me? What was she thinking? Can she see me? I thought of her as a guardian angel. I just didn’t realize that many people didn’t understand or know what to say when I would bring her up except, “I’m sorry.”
I’ve always felt those apologies were not mine to take though; they were for my parents. They are the ones who suffered; I after all, wasn’t even born. I still can’t deny that she’s an explicit part of who I am. She defines my faith, and she is the beautiful hope that I have for restoration of my parents.
When I gave birth for the first time, I was in awe of the closeness to life that I was an essential part of in those first moments. I remember actually seeing the world in a completely different way when we were discharged from the hospital. It was as if I could finally understand my parents, understand the gravity and the weight of their loss. My parents stressed always being on good terms with one another and always saying “I love you” because they knew that each day is not a guarantee. One of my father’s greatest sayings is “nothing is guaranteed,” basically reminding me that any direction can lead to a different result regardless of what we think will happen.
My parents have an eternal perspective on life which has profoundly influenced my own life perspective. Having survived one of the worst things I can imagine has allowed them to give as much as they can to all sorts of people they meet. They wake up everyday, give their all to that day and that’s it. Day by day. They are my strength as a mother, and why I need to persevere even though life isn’t always sweet everyday, why I need to give everything I have to my children.
GOLD / apricot / 341 posts
coconut / 8854 posts
Wow, thank you for sharing! Being a new mom now, I can’t imagine what your parents must have went through.
guest
Thank you for sharing this story. Your words really resonated with me. My mom is terminally ill with ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) and her decline and eventual loss of life has already greatly impacted the way I live my life on a day-to-day basis. I have often wondered how much her illness and death will indirectly impact my son and future children based on how very aware I am of the fragility of life. Thank you again for sharing!
eggplant / 11716 posts
oh, this post killed me. As a mom to a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old, I feel like my older baby has been mine forever. I can’t imagine losing her at all–I don’t know how I would go on. What an awful thing for your parents to go through.
pomelo / 5866 posts
Such beauty in the depth of your understanding and faith. My goose bumps won’t go away.
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts
blogger / kiwi / 626 posts
Oh my goodness, I have goosebumps. This is so amazingly raw and real. I’m so sorry for you and your parents. I can’t imagine what this must feel like for all of you.
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
Thank you for sharing this. Your parents sound like amazing people.
clementine / 918 posts
Thank you for writing this. It is helpful to hear your story regarding the loss of the sister as I think about how to talk to J about Lucas. We already look at his pictures and talk about his brother, but he will eventually understand and I hope he is aware and knows everything he wants to know about Lucas, without feeling like he’s a replacement or that he has to be more than just him for us. I hope I can be that positive influence on J that your parents were on you
grapefruit / 4923 posts
my heart breaks for what your parents must have gone through, and that you didn’t get to know your sister. thank you for sharing.
kiwi / 545 posts
This was beautiful, sad, and heartwarming all at the same time. Thank you for sharing your and your parents’ story.
hostess / wonderful watermelon / 39513 posts
pomegranate / 3604 posts
I too had an older brother (the eldest) pass away from lukeima at age 10, 2 years before I was born. He would have been turning 41 this year.
The impact it has is very real and just as hard to explain; especially for those of us who come after.
coffee bean / 46 posts
We had a stillbirth last year. I’m expecting again and wondering what to tell him about his older brother. How much is too much? How much is too little? How do I honor my first child, without damaging my 2nd.
Can you give me some guidance on some things your parents did or did not do that worked/didn’t work?
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
blogger / nectarine / 2600 posts
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
Your parents sound so amazing. They have put such a positive spin on such a horrible situation.
guest
Thank you so much for sharing. As a mother who lost my first child and is expecting our second, this gives me such a hopeful look at one of my greatest fears– how will grief and loss impact my child. I worry a lot about things like if my child will connect with their sister they never met or if they will forgive me for the grief I still carry. I think you sum it up perfectly that as a parent I have a heart half here on earth and half with my daughter. Thank you so much for sharing.
blogger / pomegranate / 3491 posts
Such a beautiful post. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss and thank you for sharing
blogger / grape / 92 posts
So much love, I cannot even imagine that sort of heartbreak and the healing that comes after.
blogger / apricot / 367 posts
Thank you for sharing your story with us.
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
Thank you everyone for the sweet comments and all of the love, this was a hard post to write but I am thankful for this community.
@Jennifer: I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I am sure that your son will learn a great deal from both you and your mother. I think understanding the fragility of life is a good skill to have although it is extremely painful to learn.



@princessandthebee: Thank you, they really are, I am lucky to have them.
@Ms.Badger: I have no doubt that you will be a positive influence on J. I can’t imagine how hard the loss of Lucas has been. My heart is with you guys.
@sera_87: Yes you are so right on, real and very hard to grasp and explain all in one. I am sorry that you didn’t get to know your brother.
@Mmsva: I am so sorry for your loss I can’t imagine how hard that is, I only know through seeing my own mother and that is still at a distance. I remember my mother trying to sit me down at 8 years old and answer my questions about my sister. This helped but i was a sensitive child so I asked her to tell me more when I was older. I think just knowing that my mom will talk at anytime I’d like to, helps me. Slowly we have unfolded the topic. There are many things that I know are still too hard for her to talk about in long stints but she tells me things here and there. At the same time I try not to push her too hard to answer too many questions because I know its hard. I think just being open. It will all happen naturally.I wish you the best and will be thinking of you.
@regberadaisy: thank you
@shortnsweet: I am so sorry for your loss. My mother has made me a strong mother because of her strength, I know how hard it has been for her and I admire her for continuing on. You sound like an amazing person and I will be praying for you and your family. Children forgive their parents immediately for their grief, my sisters and I know that this is just our parents journey and we would never hold that against them we’ve never known anything different.