I’ve been absent for awhile, and the reason is simple. When depression creeps in, my creative expression is the first thing to go. Sitting down and writing is the last thing I feel like doing, even though I know it would help me cope in the long run. Even though I know that I’m not alone in feeling this way, depression is isolating and lonely. In a room surrounded by friends and family at Christmas time, or even with both of my kids on my lap, I can feel secluded, out of touch and completely alone. Depression isolates.
I can’t seem to find any motivation to get going, to do anything. And then the less I do, the worse I feel about my ability to be a stay at home mom. The thought of eight more months of maternity leave, stretching out in front of me is horrifying. How am I going to keep my toddler occupied? How am I going to make sure that the baby gets the stimulation and interaction that he needs? Then I start feeling like a terrible mother, a terrible person. Who does that? Who wishes away time at home with their kids? Only someone awful; and I start believing that I really am a horrible person. Because depression lies.
On days when things are really bad, I dream about running away. I would pack a bag and just slip away into the night. I’d find a hotel somewhere, cozy up in a bed all by myself, and just read books, drink tea, color, and sleep for days on end. And then an incredible sense of guilt hits me again; who AM I? What kind of thoughts are these to have? I can’t run away from adulthood, and I’m a horrible person for even thinking things like that. All at once, I am overwhelmed by grief, by panic, by guilt, by pressure, and I can’t get out of my own head.
My time alone is never enough, but I find myself thinking about the kids and what they are doing when I’m not with them. There are a million things to do around the house, and I notice them all, but I can’t seem to get up and get any of them done. I have activities planned and ideas pinned for fun, exciting things to do with my toddler, and yet as each morning dawns, the struggle to shut off the TV and DO something becomes less and less appealing. I’m losing the will to fight for any of it.
My doctors say the medication will start making a difference soon. We’ve already switched to a new antidepressant, and I doubled my dose last week. It’s hard to be your best self when you don’t feel like yourself at all.
So I keep praying, keep pushing, keep reaching out to people for help and support. And I know that soon, I’ll be back to ‘normal,’ and my kids will have the mother they deserve again. Because though depression puts up a hell of a fight, I’m not going to allow it to win.
guest
I am right there with you. I finally got my medication to a place where it is effective, but there are still days when the depression or anxiety fights through and I struggle not to let it win. More people need to talk about these things publically so thank you for this post.
nectarine / 2115 posts
Hugs. You’ll get through this.
grapefruit / 4278 posts
I don’t think your thoughts are horrible, everyone needs time to themselves and dealing with small children every day is incredibly hard. I actively talk about wanting to take a weekend to spend in a hotel by myself not doing anything but what I want to do, and I WOH. Those thoughts, wanting to spend some time away from your children are not something to feel guilty over. Logically you know that, but it can be so hard to see through the fog of depression. Keep going Momma, good luck.
pomelo / 5628 posts
I hope the meds start working soon, so you feel more like yourself, but I also suggest regularly scheduling some of those escape times, maybe even a hotel for a night. If it’s scheduled, it will feel more like less of a choice and a break is good for EVERYONE! Hugs.
pomegranate / 3314 posts
As horrible as it is, what you are going through is not uncommon. Try not to blame yourself as you don’t have any control over these feelings. I felt the same way after the birth of my first and a little – though less so – after my second. Honestly, I think the biggest difference for me was that I stayed on a very small dose of Lexapro throughout my pregnancy with #2 to stabilize things. With that said, I am hopeful that the medication helps you soon. You can get through this!
pomelo / 5220 posts
Hugs.
guest
I empathize. My daughter is 19months old and I am only just starting to feel “normal” again. I found a lot of support on line at a community called postpartum progress. You may find it helpful too. Sending you prayers for healing and progress.
guest
Good luck, you are making good steps towards healing. I hope it starts to get better soon.
nectarine / 2690 posts
guest
Really honest, brave and thought provoking post. You wrote in a way that really helps me understand your feelings and the struggle you’ve faced. I get it, and I’m sending virtual hugs. Not alone mama xx
guest
I could have written this post myself. I have these same thoughts, only I am 14 months postpartum, and 20 weeks pregnant with my 3rd. I know things will get better for us both… eventually.
pear / 1622 posts
Thank you for writing this post.
GOLD / wonderful pomegranate / 28905 posts
guest
I’ve been there myself. It took a year for me to realize I needed medical help. The other thing that helped immensely is exercise. It gave me some time alone and replaces the serotonin that you are missing. Thank you for writing this post. The more this is talked about the more people will understand when to get help.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
Thank you for sharing. I am struggling also. It took me MONTHS of “dark thoughts”, feeling overwhelmed, and yes the same thoughts of running away… Frequently. Now that I’m in therapy I know that is the depression speaking and when I feel that way I need to change my medication, etc. It’s so hard… Hugs to you… You are braver than you know!
cherry / 248 posts
Thank you for sharing. I hope the med start helping and knowing your not alone. I recently saw an interview with al roker and his wife and she was saying how al will leave a day earlier for an assignment so he can have a nice dinner and relax while she will leave at the last possible moment so she isn’t away from the kids. He didn’t understand why she didn’t take the time for herself and she didn’t get why he didn’t feel the guilt about leaving early. It was nice to see that others share these same feelings.
blogger / kiwi / 675 posts
hugs mama, thank you for sharing
grapefruit / 4089 posts
eggplant / 11408 posts
I’ve been somewhere similar, and it’s awful. I’m so glad you’re getting help. You’re not alone, and this is not your fault. I hope your medicine helps you feel like you again very soon.