Hellobee

Although each surrogacy arrangement is unique and sometimes can be altruistic in nature (a friend or family member offers to carry a pregnancy), oftentimes they are set up between strangers. This is indeed the situation that Mr. Starfish and I found ourselves in, and before we started this process, it was hard to imagine how this would feel once a pregnancy was established. There were a lot of natural worries. Would we be able to trust this person? Would we turn into controlling intended parents, seeking to limit everything that the surrogate did for nine months? Would we feel disconnected from the pregnancy and our baby? How would the surrogate and her family feel about us?

From the start, I was determined to strike a balance between two somewhat opposing things throughout the surrogacy experience: 1) ensure that our surrogate felt very special and had a clear sense of how important she and the pregnancy were to us, and 2) stay out of her hair and not be controlling, and trust her completely without pestering her with requests or constant questions.

I don’t want to speak for our surrogate, but I think this balance has been successfully achieved. I credit most of our awesome surrogacy experience to our surrogate herself. We were tremendously lucky to have been matched with someone who is extremely mature and responsible and caring, while at the same time laid-back and relaxed and unflappable (let me tell you, this really comes in handy when both me and Mr. Starfish are type-A worrywarts and are practically hyperventilating about the latest pregnancy test or ultrasound!).

Me and our surrogate have never walked down this path before, but I’m so happy to be walking this with her!

For my part, I’ve tried to do some things to help our surrogate understand how amazing this pregnancy is for us, and to help deepen the emotional ties and connection. I really don’t think she can ever possibly understand how grateful we are that she is giving us this amazing gift, but that hasn’t stopped me from trying…

At least weekly, I check in with our surrogate about the baby; often we compare the latest weekly fruit or vegetable size of the little nuggets that we get from our pregnancy apps. This is one of my favorite times of the week; it is so much fun to compare one baby’s size to the other, especially in terms I so easily understand (I mean, who doesn’t immediately know the size of a clementine?!).

We also tried our best to spoil our surrogate and her husband when they had to travel for clinical workups and the transfer. We checked them in for the flights so they would get a good boarding position, upgraded them to suites at the hotel, took them out for meals, etc. It really felt like the least that we could do for all the trouble that they were unselfishly going through to make our dreams come true.

It has also been important to me that the surrogate knows that we are very in-tune to every pregnancy milestone and she is not undergoing all of this on a solitary island. I keep notes about every OB-GYN appointment that she has so that we know what’s upcoming. Recently, we flew out to Utah for the big 20-week anatomy ultrasound appointment and to tour the hospital where she will deliver. Mr. Starfish and I have always wanted this pregnancy to be something that we experience together with our surrogate, not something that she does on her own. Pregnancy is special, and this one is no exception!

Finally, I’ve put together celebratory care packages for our surrogate for every trimester of the pregnancy. The first package celebrated the first trimester and was themed as a “health and wellness pregnancy” package. I included safe pregnancy lotions and body care items, first-trimester ginger candies, and a FitBit bracelet. I also couldn’t resist sneaking in some Halloween toys and candies for her three children as this was right around the spooky holiday.

I recently sent her a second trimester care package. For this one, I got my inspiration for the package from her reaction to some video clips that we had sent her of our parents’ reactions to hearing the news about the pregnancies. She seemed to really love seeing their reactions, and I wanted her to feel more of their gratefulness and excitement about the pregnancy. So I asked all of our parents and siblings and grandparents to write a personal card to our surrogate explaining their feelings about the pregnancy, and to include pictures of themselves with the cards. This little project was probably just as much fun for me to put together as it was for our surrogate to open! I shed more than a few tears as I read through the cards and snapped pictures of all of the loving words so that I could mark these memories in the future baby book.

A special care package from the intended parents in Chicago!

Like I said before, there is nothing on this earth that I could possibly do or give to our surrogate that can possibly equate to the gift that she is giving us. I still find it difficult to wrap my head around how someone can do such a tremendously selfless thing for us. Perhaps the most important thing I can give our surrogate is my continued emotional openness as this process continues to unfold, so that she can hopefully see at least a portion of all of the boundless gratitude and awe that I feel for her and this pregnancy.