This is a subject I have been dealing with this past year, and for some reason it always got swept under the rug. Since the hubs and I don’t fight a lot, it’s easy to think that no drama meant a happy marriage. That is such dangerous lie! People always assume that when they see happy family photos on Facebook or Instagram, it means that everything is going great. I realize how misleading that is and no longer feel the pressure to persuade the world (or myself) that everything is a fairy tale.

This last year I didn’t even do holiday cards because, you know what? It just didn’t feel right at the time. It’s not to say everything is awful; it just doesn’t feel right to pose and act as if everything is dandy. I’ve been married for 8 years and the years after Baby Pencil was born was definitely the hardest part of our marriage. Even working on our marriage now, I can see how I made mistakes without even realizing what road I was going down. Here were some very not so obvious mistakes that brought us to become so distant. It was not always someone’s fault, some just happened so naturally that I can imagine it is very common among other marriages!

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My kid was my everything. 

After giving birth, my entire world revolved around doing everything I could possibly do to keep this baby safe and comfortable. First it was sheer anxiety and wanting to gain control. It even overrode my personal desires and physical needs. Everything else didn’t matter, as long as the baby was OK. I starved, didn’t bathe and limped around just to see this baby sleep peacefully and it was so worth it. There was so much pain and love in those first few months that it was hard to see clearly! But slowly, that became the normal routine. I obsessed about the baby coming first, then everything else was last. When I woke up and went to sleep, the baby took over every inch of my thoughts. Nothing else mattered, and soon enough that’s just how it was.

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My husband faded in the background.

I became to resent my husband a lot. I was very annoyed that he had no idea what it was like to have an aching body and have the pressure of planning every inch of this baby’s life. When you don’t feel like someone can understand your pain, it builds a wall of frustration. I stopped explaining things to him because, why bother? The truth was that I also had no idea what it was like to be him – a new dad who was just as clueless and worried as I was. I let him come in and out of my life when it was convenient. He became more like a business partner or a roommate that I checked in with every once in awhile to make sure everything was running smoothly. We were mostly sitting in our corners as individuals, just spent from the day. Sometimes when Baby Pencil didn’t see my husband for a day or two, it almost didn’t seem to make a difference. And sadly for me, it almost didn’t seem to matter either.

My most joyous moments were with just me + baby… not my husband.

My baby’s first milestones were the most amazing things ever! My heart was exploding when I heard his first giggle or saw him crawl for the first time. Most of these moments took place at home and my husband was at work. It’s not to say my husband didn’t also celebrate these moments with me, but literally I found all my joys being alone with my child… meaning I had no memories of joy with my husband. The happiest parts of my life was with the baby. Again, it’s not something that can really be helped. But something about this just created more distance with my husband.

It became awkward to spend time alone together all of the sudden.

We were graciously given free tickets to Disneyland and my husband and I decided to go on a date night out. Once we found ourselves at a 3 hour line (Space Mountain, of course), it became very evident that we hadn’t spent this much time together, with no distractions. It seemed rude to whip out our phones so we just stood next to each other in line, trying to remember how to just be normal and be able to not do anything at all. It was like we just expected to bounce back and be close all of a sudden. When we were first dating, doing something like this would fly by. We could simply stare at each other’s faces for hours and the day wouldn’t be long enough. But at Disneyland, it was such a shock at how difficult it was to spend a bunch of hours together just standing around! (Thank you Disneyland for making this apparent to us!) What happend to the fluid conversation we used to have? This was the kicker – the moment I realized, wow we need to start getting to know each other again.

I forgot how much my relationship with my husband would mean to Baby Pencil.

There was a sweet moment awhile ago when my husband and I got into a kissing war with Baby Pencil. This meant that we kept kissing each other, or having Baby Pencil kiss us, and kept switching it up. Baby Pencil thought this was the most fun thing ever! He seemed genuinely happy to see us kiss and be a part of it. I realize he probably has not seen much physical attention from his parents to each other. Sure, we give Baby Pencil tons of hugs and kisses but I don’t think he has observed us actually embracing or kissing each other in front of him. One of the best things I can do for Baby Pencil, was to be a good wife and have a good relationship with his father.

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I want Baby Pencil to grow up knowing that his parents were very close, very much in love and more than just a partnership of keeping him safe. I don’t know if it’s just my age or having been married for this long, but I’m super not ashamed of admitting all these things. I grew apart from my husband, not on purpose, and now I want to work on our love and our friendship.

There’s something refreshing to just be honest and simple about things like this. This Valentine’s day I just wanted to celebrate with my husband by doing something as small as celebrating our desire to just be with each other. We don’t need any grand gestures. We just need to sit and talk to each other… enjoy each other again!