This is a subject I have been dealing with this past year, and for some reason it always got swept under the rug. Since the hubs and I don’t fight a lot, it’s easy to think that no drama meant a happy marriage. That is such dangerous lie! People always assume that when they see happy family photos on Facebook or Instagram, it means that everything is going great. I realize how misleading that is and no longer feel the pressure to persuade the world (or myself) that everything is a fairy tale.
This last year I didn’t even do holiday cards because, you know what? It just didn’t feel right at the time. It’s not to say everything is awful; it just doesn’t feel right to pose and act as if everything is dandy. I’ve been married for 8 years and the years after Baby Pencil was born was definitely the hardest part of our marriage. Even working on our marriage now, I can see how I made mistakes without even realizing what road I was going down. Here were some very not so obvious mistakes that brought us to become so distant. It was not always someone’s fault, some just happened so naturally that I can imagine it is very common among other marriages!
My kid was my everything.
After giving birth, my entire world revolved around doing everything I could possibly do to keep this baby safe and comfortable. First it was sheer anxiety and wanting to gain control. It even overrode my personal desires and physical needs. Everything else didn’t matter, as long as the baby was OK. I starved, didn’t bathe and limped around just to see this baby sleep peacefully and it was so worth it. There was so much pain and love in those first few months that it was hard to see clearly! But slowly, that became the normal routine. I obsessed about the baby coming first, then everything else was last. When I woke up and went to sleep, the baby took over every inch of my thoughts. Nothing else mattered, and soon enough that’s just how it was.
My husband faded in the background.
I became to resent my husband a lot. I was very annoyed that he had no idea what it was like to have an aching body and have the pressure of planning every inch of this baby’s life. When you don’t feel like someone can understand your pain, it builds a wall of frustration. I stopped explaining things to him because, why bother? The truth was that I also had no idea what it was like to be him – a new dad who was just as clueless and worried as I was. I let him come in and out of my life when it was convenient. He became more like a business partner or a roommate that I checked in with every once in awhile to make sure everything was running smoothly. We were mostly sitting in our corners as individuals, just spent from the day. Sometimes when Baby Pencil didn’t see my husband for a day or two, it almost didn’t seem to make a difference. And sadly for me, it almost didn’t seem to matter either.
My most joyous moments were with just me + baby… not my husband.
My baby’s first milestones were the most amazing things ever! My heart was exploding when I heard his first giggle or saw him crawl for the first time. Most of these moments took place at home and my husband was at work. It’s not to say my husband didn’t also celebrate these moments with me, but literally I found all my joys being alone with my child… meaning I had no memories of joy with my husband. The happiest parts of my life was with the baby. Again, it’s not something that can really be helped. But something about this just created more distance with my husband.
It became awkward to spend time alone together all of the sudden.
We were graciously given free tickets to Disneyland and my husband and I decided to go on a date night out. Once we found ourselves at a 3 hour line (Space Mountain, of course), it became very evident that we hadn’t spent this much time together, with no distractions. It seemed rude to whip out our phones so we just stood next to each other in line, trying to remember how to just be normal and be able to not do anything at all. It was like we just expected to bounce back and be close all of a sudden. When we were first dating, doing something like this would fly by. We could simply stare at each other’s faces for hours and the day wouldn’t be long enough. But at Disneyland, it was such a shock at how difficult it was to spend a bunch of hours together just standing around! (Thank you Disneyland for making this apparent to us!) What happend to the fluid conversation we used to have? This was the kicker – the moment I realized, wow we need to start getting to know each other again.
I forgot how much my relationship with my husband would mean to Baby Pencil.
There was a sweet moment awhile ago when my husband and I got into a kissing war with Baby Pencil. This meant that we kept kissing each other, or having Baby Pencil kiss us, and kept switching it up. Baby Pencil thought this was the most fun thing ever! He seemed genuinely happy to see us kiss and be a part of it. I realize he probably has not seen much physical attention from his parents to each other. Sure, we give Baby Pencil tons of hugs and kisses but I don’t think he has observed us actually embracing or kissing each other in front of him. One of the best things I can do for Baby Pencil, was to be a good wife and have a good relationship with his father.
. . . . .
I want Baby Pencil to grow up knowing that his parents were very close, very much in love and more than just a partnership of keeping him safe. I don’t know if it’s just my age or having been married for this long, but I’m super not ashamed of admitting all these things. I grew apart from my husband, not on purpose, and now I want to work on our love and our friendship.
There’s something refreshing to just be honest and simple about things like this. This Valentine’s day I just wanted to celebrate with my husband by doing something as small as celebrating our desire to just be with each other. We don’t need any grand gestures. We just need to sit and talk to each other… enjoy each other again!
pomelo / 5628 posts
Such a great post! For us it’s taken about 3 years to get back to a really good place. But we have and it feels great.
blogger / eggplant / 11551 posts
It’s always refreshing to hear your candid honesty.
blogger / pomegranate / 3044 posts
Thanks for such an honest post! We have struggled with similar things
cherry / 189 posts
i think the two most important things are that you 1) realized what was happening and 2) are willing to work on it. good luck with everything!!
nectarine / 2436 posts
This was a great post! Very honest and heartfelt. Its so hard not to get completely wrapped up in our children.
pomelo / 5621 posts
Thank you for sharing. We’ve gone through so much of this in the last three years.
apricot / 409 posts
That’s great that you realized what was happening and are working to improve things. Good luck!
grape / 75 posts
What a great post! This has all been very true for me too. I find that the first year after each baby is so hard on our relationship. The household balance shifts, no one sleeps, and it’s hard to orient ourselves toward the future instead of the right now. So far I would say having children has been the greatest stressor on my marriage to date, but it has also brought us the most joy. The older I get the more I realize life is full of paradoxes like this, and the better I understand and forgive my own parents.
cherry / 108 posts
Yes to all of this! I tend to harbor a lot of resentment too toward my husband after having a baby for different reasons. I’m sure he is not even aware! Now with a 3 month old baby, the exhaustion that comes with that and a quite strong headed 2.5 year old, I feel like we have taken a step back again just when we were returning to normal after our first daughter (it was about a year after her before I felt like we were back to normal)! But this time we are planning to start having dates earlier than when we started last time with my older daughter. It truly makes a difference.
The other night we stumbled upon a comedy and just laughing together felt great! It was then I realized just how stressful having little ones is and how all consuming it can be and your marriage can suffer without you even noticing. Scary stuff. Great post!
GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts
I totally agree about the importance of putting a high priority on the marriage. In my life, my marriage is only second to myself in my priority list. I try my best to always put myself first, and then naturally it follows that my marriage comes next, and our kids follow after. I used to try to put my marriage first, but I was really only doing it because I felt I “should” be doing it, and I would always get frustrated and fail. Once I started showing myself the care and love I deserved (we all deserve), it became a lot easier for me to shower love on others.
blogger / apricot / 335 posts
@Mrs Green Grass: That’s so great! I know there’s a lot of work/bad habits I need to get through.. So glad you guys are there!
@Mrs. High Heels: Thank you!
@Mrs. Tiger: I can imagine for so many people…! I always heard about it too, but it seriously just crept up on me!
@megjay18: I think that was the kicker… I did not even realize how bad it was! Each day, you’re just like “today wasn’t HORRIBLE… we’re ok.” Then one day, BAM. You’re so distant!
@pachamama: I know… It makes it so much easier to just work on one relationship, the one with your child where you have more control. But obviously, we need our relationships to be healthy too!
@ALV91711: Man, that’s the second comment about it being 3 years! Is that the golden number?! I’m only on year one! :T
@tiramisu: Thanks so much for your story! I’m exactly where you are… an almost 2 year old. It was one thing with a little baby in the way, but now that they’re more independent and I want to do more things together as a family, it’s very obvious how the dynamic is off. Good luck to you guys!
@Me3: You’re soooo right about the paradoxes! It seriously gets more extreme as we get older. So tired… but so much to do! So sad but so much joy… Emotionally exhausting! (but worth it!)
@Chicfro: Aww that must be sooo hard! I am so scared for when #2 comes along… IF that happens! I would be so scared to start all over again. Almost makes me want to live with my parents or something, haha! But YES, something as simple as laughing together again… so gold. That’s what I meant about not needing a grand gesture. Just enjoying each other is sooo awesome! Hang onto that!
@Mrs. Sketchbook: VERY true! Funnily enough, I’m a little TOO good, ahem, at taking care of myself. HAHA. I can definitely pamper myself or find time to groom myself or exercise. But I think it’s because I think of my husband being “another adult” who is capable of taking care of himself, I forget that I still need to open my mouth and talk and connect. It’s easier to control what I have in front of me – a helpless baby or myself. It’s so hard to sit down and have the energy to ask someone as comfortable as your spouse… “soo….! How was YOUR day?” -_-
blogger / apricot / 349 posts
Loved this post. Can totally relate on so many levels. Crazy how these things creep up on you. Here’s to being on the mend!!
wonderful olive / 19353 posts
This was a great post since it’s so relate able!
grapefruit / 4731 posts
GOLD / nectarine / 2884 posts
@Mrs. Pencil: I know that feeling too! My husband took on a ton of different chores after we had our second. Just last week I was really frustrated with the state of our house and all the chores that were left partially done. It occurred to me….maybe my husband doesn’t have all the time to do these chores? Maybe I need to show him the same patience that I show myself? Haha. We renegotiated chores and decided for him to keep the ones he truly could complete regularly, and give the rest to me (for example I took trash duty) and I’m going to try and loosen my expectations of cleanliness. Also I’ve been working harder to give my husband more free time, not coupled time. We are usually good at coupled time but I tend to assume that when he is off work he will want to spend time with either the whole family, or me. But now he takes at least one day a week to get out on his own. He also sees his friends more. I actually enjoy it. I make a dinner I want for myself, put the kids to bed early, watch some crappy girly TV or read. It is a win-win I think. We tend to reconnect after this time because we have something to bring to the table.