Tantrums. If you have (or have ever had) a toddler, then chances are you’re well acquainted with them. Toddlers are tantrum pros. My child has perfected the art of completely melting into a sobbing, wiggling, impossible-to-pick-up mess on the floor. Sometimes I get frustrated with him when he’s acting like a, well, two year old, but sometimes I’m able to slow down and analyze the situation. Often when I do this, I realize that the tantrum was likely caused by something I did and really isn’t his fault.

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Here are some different ways that I cause tantrums with my toddler:

1) I don’t provide choices. Toddlers like control. My toddler seems to be particularly fond of it. Often, if he’s throwing a big tantrum it’s because I forgot to give him some control over a part of his day. Any time I know that he’s going to have a hard time with a transition or a specific activity, I try to incorporate some choice into it – something that doesn’t make a difference to me, but will help him feel in control of the situation. For example, when he doesn’t want to leave the park I might ask him if he wants to walk or run to the car. And if he doesn’t want to go take a bath, I’ll ask him what color tub dye he wants to use that night. If I forget to provide choices? A tantrum is much more likely to happen!

2) I try to rush him. I don’t know if this is a toddler thing or if it’s just my toddler, but he moves at a snail’s pace. He gets distracted by a speck of dust on the floor, or a noise he hears outside, or something that is stuck to his foot, and our entire schedule is derailed. Sometimes I need for him to move quickly, but other times it really doesn’t matter how fast he’s moving, so why am I rushing him? I regularly cause tantrums in our toddler by trying to run things on my own agenda and forgetting that maybe moving slowly isn’t so bad.

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3) I don’t explain what’s happening. Now that Jackson can really understand most of what I’m saying to him, I’ve learned that it’s vital for me to keep him informed of what’s going on around him, or else there will be a meltdown. For example, if I just tell him it’s time to clean up his toys and start helping him clean, he’s going to lose his mind. But if I instead tell him that it’s time for us to go to the grocery store and we need to clean up first, he’s a lot more likely to help me out without any tears. And things go even more smoothly if I set a timer before I make him clean up. This is a lesson that Mr. Garland is still learning, and he tends to cause more tantrums than I do by forgetting this step. It ties right back into the “toddlers like control” thing – if he doesn’t know why he’s having to clean up or leave the house or stop coloring then he’s a lot less likely to be helpful in the transition.

4) I forget that he’s two. Bottom line, no matter how many things I put into place and no matter how well I have set him up for success, he’s still gonna have a hard time occasionally. These are the times that I have to remind myself that his ability to adapt to tough situations is significantly lower than mine. I might be rolling my eyes at his meltdown because I wouldn’t let him have a third cookie, but that might genuinely be the worst thing that’s happened to him all week. And having to walk away from the awesome train set at the toy store? It might actually be the most disappointing experience he has ever had in his life. No exaggeration. When I frame things a little differently in my mind, I’m suddenly more more understanding and patient with his meltdowns, which makes them a lot easier to deal with. Sometimes he just needs some room to be disappointed or sad!

Have you ever noticed some ways that you accidentally cause tantrums?