Hellobee

As I was putting my three year old to bed one night, she brought up a conversation about death, completely out of the blue. It went like this.

Lil’ Pizza: Why will we surely die?
Me: Because that’s just what happens to all of us.
Lil’ Pizza: Will I die?
Me: Yes, you will die.
Lil’ Pizza: Will you die?
Me: Yes.
Lil’ Pizza: Appah? (dad in Korean)
Me: Yes, Appah will die.
Lil’ Pizza: Gracie too?
Me: Yes, we will all die.
Lil’ Pizza: What will you say when I die?
Me: Well, I will be so sad.
Lil’ Pizza: Why?
Me: Because I won’t see you anymore…until I can see you in heaven.
Lil’ Pizza: Why? (tears start rolling down her face)
Me: That’s just what happens when you die.
Lil’ Pizza: Until I see you in heaven? (now I hear some sniffling)
Me: But don’t worry. You will not die soon and I will not die soon and Appah and Gracie will not die soon.
Lil’ Pizza: Will I see you in the morning?
Me: Yes.

Then Lil’ Pizza proceeded to smile and talk about how happy she was to be sleeping with her Hello Kitty sleeping bag. You could imagine I let out a big sigh of relief when that conversation was over. I wasn’t completely satisfied with what I said, but I know I will have more opportunities in the future to say things differently as Lil’ Pizza’s curiosity grows and when she personally is impacted by the death of a loved one.

This conversation with Lil’ Pizza had me thinking about the conversations that I have had with children at the hospital about the death of a loved one, whether it was the loss of their sibling, parent, or grandparent.

The reality is that young children will encounter the death of a loved one and our children will likely come to us first to seek out answers. I hope this post can be a useful resource, whether you are in the midst of this kind of tragedy now or want to remember it for the future. I am only speaking from what I have learned in my field and the experiences that I have had with other children in the hospital (and not my own). It can be so overwhelming during this time when you are grieving the loss and you are trying to find the words to help your own child process what is going on too.

Here are some things to keep in mind when talking to your child about the death of a loved one:

1. The conversation will be ongoing and will continue to evolve as they grow older. It is rarely a one time conversation, especially if it was the death of a significant person in their life.

2. Young children will often ask the same questions, which may require a lot of repeating explanations. For example, preschool age children who don’t see death as a permanent state may ask repeatedly, when the person is coming back.

3. Children can show deep sadness and then completely shift gears, change the conversation, or just want to play soon after. It is completely normal.

4. Read your child’s cues. If she seems disengaged and not interested in listening, try again later. It might be too much for them at the time.

5. Be short, simple, and honest. As difficult as it is, use words “dead” and “dying” so as not to lead to misconceptions. For example, a child told that the person is “sleeping” may fear going to bed.

6. Your child might not be ready to talk much or ask questions just yet. Simply letting your child know you are available to talk whenever they want about the death is so important.

7. Let your child know that it is a difficult time for everyone and it is a time of feeling very sad. Let them know that there will be a lot of people around them that will feel this way and that it is okay to cry and feel sad too.

8. It may be helpful to start by asking your child what they know of the death first and then elaborate or clarify from there.

9. Let young children express themselves through pretend play. You may discover some misconceptions about their understanding of the death during their play.

10. It’s okay to say you don’t know all the answers. You can let them know that you need some time to think about something they asked and get back to them. You can also let them know that you don’t know but you are working to figure it out.

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I also wanted to mention a few books that I have used that I thought were great resources to use with children experiencing a loss of a loved one.

How I Feel: A Coloring Book for Grieving Children (Age 3-8) – This coloring book explores all the different feelings that children may face when a loved one dies.  I think this is important to talk about with children because it gives them permission to feel the way they are feeling.

The Invisible String (Age 3-8) – The Invisible String is a comforting story about two siblings who learn that everyone has an invisible string that connects them to everyone they love…anywhere, anytime. Not only is this a great book to read with a child who lost a loved one, but also for a child who is dealing with separation anxiety (i.e. the start of school, divorce, separation).

When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death (Age 4-8) – I thought this was an excellent resource. Instead of a story, it is written as a question and answer book and answers questions such as, “why does someone die? and “what does dead mean?”

The Goodbye Book (Age 3-6) – I love books by Todd Parr because his books are simple and right on point. It talks about the difficulties of saying goodbye to someone. I like how this book ends because it reassures the reader that there is always someone that loves them.

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When I had that conversation about death with my three year old, I realized that it was only the beginning of many difficult conversations that I will have with my girls as they grow up and face the world. It’s terrifying, but I think as long as we speak from the heart and express our love to them, we got most of it right.