Missus Turtle and I are so very lucky to have such an amazing support network. We live close to my parents and grandparents, about four hours away from Missus Turtle’s family, and we have quite a few friends near and far that are supporting us as we venture into foster parenting. I wanted to write about the different ways they have helped us out thus far. I can’t speak for all foster parents, but these are the things we appreciate the most so far!

Encouraging Words

This sounds trite, but honestly, this is a scary thing we are doing. I’d like to say we felt a calling and just knew it was what we were meant to do, but that would be a lie. I know it’s what most foster parents say, or at least most of the ones you read about online. Missus Turtle and I are not religious. We didn’t get into foster parenting through a church. We kind of stumbled into it after a harrowing year of trying to conceive with no success, contemplating adoption, and finally looking into foster parenting. I don’t know that either of us ever really “knew” it was for us. We just jumped in, made the commitment, crossed our fingers and hoped for the best. So when we would tell people we were becoming foster moms, the first reaction was often surprise. Next came concern, mostly from our parents. The best reactions, the ones that made us feel like we actually could do this, were the reactions from friends that were so overwhelmingly positive that we gained confidence from them. So just telling a couple that they will be great foster parents or that they are making a good decision will most likely mean the world to them and give them that boost of confidence needed to wade through all of the paperwork, intrusive home visits and waiting.

Gifts

We didn’t feel comfortable having a shower before we got our first placement, although I know people do it and I think it’s perfectly legitimate. We just don’t like parties! A number of people suggested it and if we were the party type of people we probably would’ve gone for it. A friend of mine did insist that we start a registry. I hate asking for things, so I wasn’t super comfortable with this either, but it ended up being a great decision. A number of family members and friends asked for the link and purchased some incredibly useful items.

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If you’re thinking of buying a gift for a foster family to be, I would suggest convertible items that can be used in different ways as the child ages in gender neutral colors and patterns. We got an Ergo 360 carrier that we should be able to use for a long time with T as well as with any other babies we take in. High chairs that convert into booster seats, for example, or convertible car seats are great. We got an exersaucer that can also be used as a play mat for younger babies or a play table for older toddlers. Diapers, of course, are always a great bet if the foster family is accepting babies or toddlers. It’s really helpful to have a few basic outfits and pajamas in many different sizes, and this can be expensive if the age range a family is accepting is wide. One thing that was suggested to me before we started this process is having a stack of simple fleece blankets in different prints for foster kids to take with them. We did give one to T, but he doesn’t really care! With older kids, though, this can be a good way to provide some security and comfort right off the bat, as well as letting them have a voice (so important with kids from traumatic backgrounds) in choosing which blanket they like the best. We just bought some fleece from our local fabric store and used it to make six simple blankets. They turned out really cute and cozy.

Another idea is a few good, uplifting books. I don’t have much time to read right now as I’m mostly staying home with baby T, but his visits are starting to happen with more regularity, so 3 days per week I get an hour to myself. I don’t love shopping and our town doesn’t have much to offer anyway, so I have been thinking about sitting in my car in the CPS parking lot, or in a park when the weather improves, and taking that opportunity to read might be the best way to spend the time. Plus, a distraction through the emotional process of handing over the baby to CPS will be greatly appreciated.

Babysitting

This can be tough for foster parents because there are rules about who can watch foster kids. These vary from state to state but in our state we have “prudent parenting” which basically allows foster parents to be the judge of who can watch their kiddos as long as it’s short term babysitting (not overnight). I believe some states require babysitters to be another licensed foster home, which would make it much harder. Our agency provides respite care for longer trips, but we are planning to use my parents if or when we do an overnight trip. All they had to do was get background checked and fingerprinted, all paid for by the agency. My mom took the CPR/First Aid class with us as well. This was recommended but not required for overnight babysitting. This way, when we go out of town, T will get to stay with people he knows instead of being placed in another foster home that might already be very full. If it’s allowed, offering to babysit occasionally for the foster kids would be a huge relief.

Treating the foster kids as part of the family

It seems obvious, but I think one of the biggest issues with foster care is that the kids are often in a state of limbo. They aren’t with their biological family, but they aren’t treated like permanent, important members of the foster family necessarily either. Including foster kids in birthday party invitations, family get togethers, and really everything else you might do with the family who is fostering, will be appreciated by all. For older kids who will notice the effort, it can make them feel included and comfortable in tough situations. While they are with the foster family, they are part of the family in every way, and should be treated as such.

I’d love to hear any other ideas that any of you might have for ways to support foster parents. In general I think the support and training that foster parents get from agencies and CPS could be greatly improved, although we are very happy with our agency so far. I’m sure most foster parents would agree that support from friends and family is incredibly important during this challenging adventure.