I feel so incredibly lucky that my infertility journey is quickly approaching its long-awaited conclusion, as we approach the due dates for our little girls in just a few short weeks. I don’t want to imply in any way that I am not grateful for the fortunate change in events that Mr. Starfish and I have experienced in recent months. We love our unique and crazy story, and we still look at each other practically every day in pure disbelief that this is happening to us.

But I have to admit that there is something about our story that drives me absolutely batty. It is the assumption that I became pregnant once I “just relaxed.” Nine times out of ten, when I explain that I became pregnant after we were matched with a surrogate, people start to laugh and then rush on to tell me about their distant cousin or friend-of-a-friend who became pregnant once they adopted or found a surrogate or decided to go child-free. They compare my story to theirs, and jump to the conclusion that once an infertile woman or couple stops obsessing about becoming pregnant, it just naturally happens.

This bothers me so much for a couple of reasons. Perhaps the most obvious reason is that it is not true in my case. I did not become pregnant once I “just relaxed” and found a surrogate. The magic formula for me was not to sit back and relax; the magic formula for me was the most intense IVF cycle I have ever undergone. The cycle that I became pregnant, I was taking 16 pills and injecting myself with 1-2 hormone shots each day. I was probably more stressed out that cycle than any other cycle before it. I know with 100% certainty that my stress level, or magnitude of relaxation, had no impact whatsoever on our success that cycle. In contrast, I am certain that the thing that actually did have an impact was a new medication that my doctor included in my protocol that addressed a rare infertility problem that we never knew I had.

Another reason that this “just relax” assumption bothers me so much is because I hate feeding that myth for couples who are currently struggling to become pregnant. It is simply not fair to simplify these couples’ painful diagnoses or experiences in such a way. Infertility is extremely complex. There are dozens of variables, and dizzying combinations of medications and treatment protocols. Infertility cannot usually be fixed only by relaxing.

ADVERTISEMENT

Anyone who has been in the infertility trenches for any period of time has undoubtedly been told by well-meaning friends and family members to, “just adopt and you’ll get pregnant” or “Go on a vacation and relax and you’ll get pregnant.” These statements are simply not true, and they can do a lot of damage. There is often a medical reason that an infertile couple cannot become pregnant. It is not a mental hurdle that is preventing a woman from becoming pregnant if she has blocked fallopian tubes, or her husband’s sperm are damaged, or she doesn’t ovulate. Advising such a couple to just relax diminishes their problems and invalidates them. Worse, it can make the couple feel like they are at fault for their inability to conceive because they aren’t able to better control their emotional state. Let me tell you, on top of the loneliness and anxiety that infertility brings, feeling guilty about the inability to just relax is not a helpful feeling in any way!

It’s undoubtedly easier for me to take in these comments now rather than when I was still trying to become pregnant. But I will carry the scars of infertility with me for a lifetime, and it is for that reason that I still bristle when I get the laugh and “Oh, you just relaxed!” comment from such well-meaning friends, family members, and strangers when they hear my story. Like I said before, I feel so lucky that our story has changed for the better. But for others still on the infertility path, I can’t stand by and let this incorrect assumption and myth stand. For their benefit, let’s all agree that while relaxation is good and great, it is not a cure-all for every problem out there, and that includes infertility.