I feel weird about writing this at all, scared of judgement and scared of hurting anyone’s feelings. My story includes a miscarriage. Our baby stopped growing and I ended up having a D and C. The months afterward were horrible. Not just because of the emotional pain and the sadness, but also because of the intense and overwhelming jealousy. I couldn’t control it and it made me feel so awkward and ashamed, and I hated myself for feeling this way.
I remember the day my sister told me she was pregnant. My initial reaction was not to be happy, but instead to be tremendously jealous and upset. I know she knew I wasn’t happy, and looking back I feel like crap about that, but at the time I couldn’t think of anything other than how incredibly sad I was for myself. Ugh, it makes me feel so ashamed now, but I literally couldn’t control it then. But when my nephew was born, I was shocked at how happy I was. He was perfect and she was so happy and all of a sudden I didn’t feel any emotional pain surrounding her pregnancy.
Fast forward to now. I have two amazing and beautiful children and I thought I had gotten over that jealousy. I was wrong. The situation depends. Some ladies announce and I am overjoyed for them, excited for them to join the mommy club. For my loss mommies, I am almost always happy. When my sister announced her pregnancy, I was thrilled for her. And then today I got word that a close friend is pregnant again, and my initial reaction was a pit in my stomach and that burning glow of jealousy. Behind the jealousy I am genuinely happy for her. She is a loss mom friend, and I think that I can admit my jealousy has nothing to do with her actually being pregnant, but more so that she will potentially have a third child in the coming months. And I do so hope it works out for her, I really do. I love this woman and she deserves as much happiness as she can get. But that awful jealous emotion still sits there for me, making me feel like a bad person.
It’s strange how our minds work. How hard it is to control something like an emotion that you would just rather not feel. It’s hard being a part of the loss community. It’s hard that it is three years later and I still have these emotions bubbling up to the surface to make me relive an awful period in my life. I hope that I can learn to send these emotions away, especially because they are unwanted and even shameful.
pea / 15 posts
I agree the mind does work in a mysterious ways but don’t be stuck on it. Focus on happy thoughts that you have two healthy kids. I had a miscarriage too, at first I was really sad and jealous of others that are able to have one. After awhile I learned that having one child was more than enough until 9 years later my second one came a long. I think God will give you the gift when it’s least expected.
pomegranate / 3225 posts
I know I don’t want another baby at this time and yet I”m jealous of anyone having a third, too! Why! At least I feel a little less crazy after reading this.
blogger / cherry / 174 posts
I know those feelings well too. Sometimes, I’m struck by how effortlessly friends can get pregnant, have easy pregnancies, and a safe delivery with a healthy baby. I’m happy for them, but I’m amazed at how all the those things fell into place for them.
guest
Even after having a child after infertility, I get so upset and jealous when other women announce their pregnancy. I’m mad I don’t have the option to give my daughter siblings. When someone else complains about not getting pregnant as quick as expected, I get incredibly mad. I know none of this is rational. I think even though it’s not rational and maybe not fair, we can’t expect to get over or heal from our experiences quickly. It helps to know other women feel this way.
kiwi / 595 posts
I felt jealousy before I became a loss mom, before we even began ttc. I was jealousy because we weren’t ready to ttc, and I was fearful I would never be ready.
eggplant / 11408 posts
I’ve had two losses, and I still sometimes get upset at people who have had nothing but smooth pregnancies, or the fact that some people have no doubt that two pink lines on a test will lead to a baby in 9 months. That’s what I get jealous about, how carefree it seems to be for some people, and how, because of my losses, it’s unlikely that I will ever have a carefree pregnancy again.
On the other hand, though, I try to remind myself that it’s impossible to know another person’s struggles, and I wouldn’t wish the experience of loss on my worst enemy. So I try to use my experience to grow my empathy towards those who unexpectedly find themselves in the loss club. I don’t always succeed, but I find that if I try to reach out, it seems to make my experience count for something, you know?
guest
I lost my eldest to sids at did months so suffice it to say that none of the emotions you describe are foreign to me. I have a second child now but I still feel a pang at every siblings post on Facebook from friends with all their children alive. However if there’s one thing I’ve learned it is that fighting the emotions if not just disingenuous it’s also not helpful. Of course we’re jealous. We wish our children were here but that can live right next to my joy because humans are complicated like that. Give yourself some compassion to carry your grief. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
nectarine / 2964 posts
Hugs! I can so relate to you. I think this works in everyone of us, not just you or someone who has experienced a miscarriage. I had a hard time conceiving, and for 5 years of trying I couldn’t even conceive anything. My best friends announced they were pregnant left and right. Literally left and right. When my very best high school friend told me of the great news, I was so depressed, as I always had this image of us having the same age kids and they would play together. Then fast forward to me finally conceiving and having my own child, I have other friends having similar due dates and same age kids as mine. We didn’t plan to have a 2nd one so it is not like we tried, but I get so surprised + sad when I heard my 1-child friends started getting pregnant with the 2nd everywhere. That jealousy and sadness hits. So no it is not just you…. it is in everyone of us. So odd!
blogger / pear / 1563 posts
I think this is totally normal. I’m so happy for friends that are pregnant, but I still hide them all on my FB news feed because of the jealousy of not being able to get pregnant. I like what @Shortnsweet had to say- that it’s ok and maybe even helpful to admit our feelings even when we don’t love them.
My guess is that just as your feelings are less strong than they used to be, it will continue to get easier as time passes. Never EASY, but hopefully easier. It has been for me. But, I wonder if the jealousy will ever really go away until we are 100% officially done building our family. Hugs!
kiwi / 659 posts
I think your feelings are totally normal. I felt intense jealousy and sadness every time I heard of someone else becoming pregnant while we were ttc after 2 miscarriages, one of which ended in D&C at 9 weeks. Between facebook, co-workers, and family it seemed like people were announcing pregnancies constantly. I remember literally walking out of work in the middle of the day after finding out yet another co-worker was pregnant. Just know you’re not alone in your feelings
guest
I have the same feelings. When my sister got pregnant, I cried as I gave her a congratulations hug. What’s helped me is telling people I’ve had miscarriages. I very much feel anger towards people that “brag” about accidental pregnancies, honeymoon pregnancies etc. they probably don’t even realize that this is coming off as a brag, or maybe that’s the only way my brain can process it! I’m well into my second pregnancy now (three miscarriages along the way) and I’m still feeling this way.
guest
I just for the first time told a friend, sorry I didn’t ask about your pregnancy when we met, you looked glowing by the way. I know how much you have longed for this, but I was having a bad day and was so jelous of you that I just couldn’t. I really am happy for you.
She took it way better than I had expected and it felt great to get it out of the way.