A few months ago, I had a pregnancy scare. I was nearing 50 days since my last period (and usually I’m pretty regular) so I was a hot mess. Every morning, I woke up hoping that I got my period. I ended up taking six pregnancy tests! I told you..HOT MESS. Any time my body felt just a little off, I came to the conclusion it was because I was pregnant.

I started to envision life with a three year old, a one year old and a newborn. What if my one year old is still a poor sleeper? How many diapers will I change each day? How will I manage three kids when I don’t feel like I have a great handle on my two? Mostly, I was nervous about those first few months with a newborn; I was not ready to face the challenges of breastfeeding and running on even less sleep. What if I had another baby with reflux? Would I face PPD again? My mind would not stop thinking about all the difficult aspects. To be honest, fear, stress, and the thought of complete exhaustion overtook any positive emotion that may have been hiding deep within me.

When I finally got my period, I was beyond ecstatic that I didn’t really mind dealing with cramps. For someone who wants a third child (obviously not anytime soon), I realized something wasn’t completely right with this picture.

I went through something similar when I thought I was pregnant with my first. I hadn’t yet mentally prepared myself of the changes a baby would make in my life and that stirred a lot of mixed emotions in me (I wrote a little about it here). I didn’t end up being pregnant that time and thankfully before I actually did get pregnant, I was able to come to terms with the changes I saw coming in my future with children. And while I know I sound like a crazy woman now (at least I feel like it as I write this all out), I was truly happy once I got pregnant and still am with my two kids.

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I did make some time to think about why my emotions were so strong and negative because I wouldn’t want to think this way when I actually do get pregnant. Simply stated, motherhood is hard. While some absolutely love the newborn stage, it was definitely a struggle for me to enjoy my day to day in those earlier months. I’ve learned that it helps to give myself time to process and accept how such changes could impact me and my family. Ultimately, I think it came down to not being in control. As much as I would like to have control over how and when I want my family to grow, life doesn’t exactly work that way.

Before TTC, many of us have a picture of how many kids we want, when we want them, what the age gap will be between the kids, and so on. And then reality hits and while it may go as planned for some, for others it is a different story. We have no control over whether we will struggle with infertility or when we may get pregnant. We can’t plan for unexpected challenges our children may face once they are born.

While I was relieved that day I got my period, I was thankful for the time that I had to stop and sort out my crazy thoughts. Day to day, I am trying to remind myself of the great miraculous gifts we were given and the gift of becoming a mother. Life with two little ones is busy and chaotic, but it is definitely one I don’t want to ever take for granted. I don’t know what’s in store for my family’s future, but I hope that I can always be happy and content, and forever grateful.