Formula has been a welcome alternative for me to feed my babies. It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m grateful for it now. When people hear how much I appreciate formula, they assume it is because my second child suffered from a life threatening CHD, and formula allowed him to gain weight for surgery and easily take in calories to heal from a massive heart surgery. Truthfully, this is not the only reason. Formula was a welcome option with my first baby, BeBe, when there were no major health issues to tackle.

During my first pregnancy, breastfeeding was something I hoped and expected to do exclusively for six months and continue through the first year. I was very confident I could do this, not because I was naïve, the opposite. I worked in maternal and child health, and helped teach breastfeeding classes. I knew all the problems that could arise during breastfeeding, but also knew of the resources available to help me.

What I didn’t count on was having so many difficulties with breastfeeding; my baby having tongue tie, temporary nerve damage in her lips from a difficult birth, colic, a difficult post-partum recovery for me, and my recurrent mastitis. I also suspect she had undiagnosed acid reflux. My breastfeeding experience was horrible. Often, I would lay her down in the crib when my fevers would spike. I would be miserable with shaking and chills, waiting for the fever to break so I could resume breastfeeding.

I had put unrealistic expectations on myself. I absolutely believed in the benefits of breastfeeding and still do. However, in prioritizing breastfeeding above all other aspects of my baby’s health and development, I marginalized my own health, and lost sight of the big picture of my baby’s development.

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When BeBe was two-months old, I took a step back and made the difficult decision, at the time, to stop breastfeeding. I had tried several different measures to work through breastfeeding problems with no success. My husband and I looked at the totality of the situation and realized that given our limited social and family support in the area, my recurrent mastitis, our colicky baby, and his night time work schedule, this was not something we wanted to push through.

Once I stopped breastfeeding, I was rested enough to read, play and sing with my baby. These were activities I was unable to enjoy with my infant during the misery of mastitis and colic. Transitioning from breastfeeding to formula feeding allowed me to heal from mastitis, rest, and adequately feed my baby, and most importantly grow my bond with my new baby. We bonded over books, instead of becoming distanced by breastfeeding.

Part of the reason it was difficult to make the decision to stop breastfeeding is because of the focus and importance I placed on my daughter’s health and development. I worried about ear infections from bottle feeding; this fear proved to be unfounded. I worried about weight gain and the growth charts, which did go up dramatically until she started walking. For the last few years she has been high on the height chart, and low on the weight chart. I worried about development, but she is a bright little girl.

What has not changed is her appetite, which has been strong since birth. We joke she has the appetite of a teenage boy. Breastfeeding alone couldn’t support her appetite, especially when contending with other breastfeeding issues. I may not have been able to give her breast milk for most of her first year, but I’ve given her a healthy, and well-rounded diet through her toddler and preschool years.

For my son, I’m grateful formula was an option because it helped save his life. For my daughter, I appreciate formula because it allowed me to physically heal from a difficult birth, and bond with my baby during my first year of motherhood.