Hellobee

As Jackson has ventured further and further into the “terrible twos” territory, Mr. Garland and I have been looking for ways that we can help him cope with the big feelings that he’s facing in a productive way. Toddler tantrums are incredibly frustrating for parents, but one thing we have worked really hard to remember as we are dealing with them is that there’s a developmental reason for the tantrums – Jackson doesn’t know how to handle the emotions that he’s feeling, and they feel so big that sometimes he can’t help but melt down!

I’ve used this analogy before, but I always try to remind myself that whatever disappointment or frustration Jackson is dealing with may actually be the most frustrating or difficult thing he has ever experienced. He doesn’t have a lot of context or other experiences to draw on, so when we tell him he can’t go outside because it’s raining, he might really feel more angry than he’s ever felt in his whole little life!

One thing we’ve really been focusing on with him is learning to identify his emotions so that he can begin to handle them in a more productive way. It’s still definitely a work in progress, but I’m noticing that he’s starting to calm down a little faster when he’s mad, and I think we’re slowly taking steps in the right direction!

Here are a few things we’re doing to facilitate helping him learn to identify his emotions:

– We practice recognizing emotions in other people. When we’re looking at books, watching television, or just hanging out at the house we try to talk about how people are feeling based on facial expressions. If we see someone crying in a book, we talk about how they’re sad. If someone on television is yelling, we talk about how they must be angry. We turn it into a game and try to make it as fun as possible to talk about emotions, and he’s getting very good at recognizing how other people might be feeling. Understanding that these emotions have a name is the first step in being able to deal with them!

– We practice “feeling faces” – This is something we’ve really just started and he doesn’t have the hang of it quite yet, but now that he’s getting good at naming emotions I’ve started to ask him to make faces for me – an angry face, a happy face, a sad face, etc. I’ll also make the faces with him and see if he can guess how I’m feeling. This is another way of putting a name to the emotions but by having him actually be the one to make the faces, we’re taking it one step further. This one is a great one to do in front of a mirror or for a camera if your toddler likes to take pictures! Generally speaking, toddlers love to look at themselves so capitalize on that!

– When he’s upset, we always name the emotion. Any time Jackson is having a tantrum for any reason, we talk about how he’s feeling and why. For example, if he’s screaming at me because I said no to a piece of candy, I’ll say, “I can see you’re angry because you can’t have the candy. That would make me angry too.” Or, if he’s crying after he got hurt I might say, “You fell down – that hurt! You’re feeling sad because you are hurt.” Right now, he generally just argues with me (“No! I’m not angry!”) but I know that over time it will start to sink in!

– I have a favorite phrase during tantrums: “Screaming does not get you what you want.” Substitute crying, hitting, kicking, or whatever else for “screaming” and it’s a one-size-fits-all phrase that is a great reminder to toddlers that when they’re angry they have choices. When Jackson is screaming at me because he’s mad about something, I turn into a broken record and repeat this phrase. I’ll tell him that he can try again when he’s ready to talk to me nicely, and he usually calms down pretty quickly. Of course, it’s vital here that you make sure that screaming never actually works for them, or else the phrase is useless!

– I model identifying my own emotions. When Jackson is around, I always try to talk through things so he can start to see what it looks like to be able to identify your emotions. If something goes wrong, I might say, “that made me angry! I don’t like it when that happens.” It’s a great way for him to see that it’s perfectly okay to be angry, but you have to handle it the right way. He always asks lots of questions when I talk about my emotions, so I know he’s listening and soaking it up! Sometimes he’ll even try to comfort me, which is a great sign to me that he’s picking up on what these emotions mean.

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Toddlers sometimes get a bad rep for being challenging, but when you frame their behavior within the context of their life experiences, it’s a lot easier to understand why the difficult behavior is happening! The more we work on explicitly teaching Jackson how to handle his emotions and deal with frustration, the fewer tantrums we have in our house. They still happen, but we’re making progress one day at a time!

How do you work with your toddler to learn about emotions?