When I lost my first pregnancy to miscarriage in 2012, I was understandably devastated. It was scary and so incredibly sad and I felt very alone. I could talk to Mr. Cereal about the experience, but he really didn’t understand the physical and mental aspect of the loss, and I think we both had a hard time relating to each other for a few months after the loss. My best friend had also recently experienced a loss and she had begun attending a loss support group specifically aimed towards pregnancy and infant loss. I was hesitant to attend at first, but in the end, I decided it would be worth it to go. I joined the Facebook group and committed to attending an in person meeting about three months after the loss.

Going to the first meeting was hard, really hard. I was late getting there and ended up getting pulled over for speeding for the first time in my life. I explained to the officer while bawling that I was late to attend my first loss group meeting and I was freaking out. He was incredibly patient and kind and let me go, but not before telling me that he and his wife had lost a pregnancy that year too. It felt like a sign for me that I was doing the right thing. At that point in my loss journey, I was scared to be away from Mr. Cereal, so he came with me to the first meeting and dropped me off and waited while I was in the meeting.

The actual meeting was heavy. There were 6 women there, all with different stories of loss. I felt like this was the one place I could be totally honest about what I was feeling and what I had experienced. I have never cried that hard before, but I have also never felt that connected with people before either. The other moms’ stories of loss were all unique. One had a full term birth and her son had a massive brain hemorrhage as he was being born. Little E was on life support for 8 days before being declared brain dead. His parents made the incredibly difficult decision to donate E’s organs. One had experienced multiple losses and in between those losses had given birth to 2 living children. Another had an 18 week loss with her son, Q. One had experienced multiple losses and was still trying to have a living child. And one had never personally experienced loss, but watched her best friend go through a devastating full term loss and felt compelled to help other loss moms. It was a diverse group.

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I left the meeting with a mixture of sadness and relief and I went back to several more meetings, but stopped once I reached 12 weeks with my pregnancy with LeLe. It became too hard to come to the meetings and be consumed by the fear of loss. I left the Facebook group around that time as well, but stayed in contact with a small group of the other loss mamas. There were a group of 5 of us that checked in once or twice a week with each other and supported each other through subsequent pregnancies and even losses. We have all since had a rainbow baby, some of us have had more than one baby in that span of time and we remain incredibly close. I’ve rejoined the Facebook group and I stay as active as possible there.

About a year ago, this group of 5 took over the administration of the group and we all work together to support new members and to coordinate two events each year. The workload is pretty minimal, but the emotional load we take on is incredibly heavy. We still hold in person meetings once a month and those are well attended. It’s hard to accurately describe the mix of sadness and hopefulness that we feel as admins for the group. All of us have experienced losses, so we can relate to new members. It is nearly impossible not to take on some of the sadness of the members as they go through their loss journey. We are there as they navigate through rainbow pregnancies and we hold our breaths as they labor and give birth. Periodically, each of us takes a short break from the group to release some of that sadness, but we always come back. The group was a life saver for all of us and even though we all agree that we wish we weren’t in this group together, we are so grateful to have each other. It is a very strange feeling to know that your best friends would not be so if you had not experienced a heartbreaking moment in your life.

I really don’t know what I would have done without this group and without the ladies that helped me climb out of my grief. I feel an incredible pull to help other loss moms, like this was part of my destiny. I hate being a loss mama, but I love these ladies and I love being able to help other people.

For those of you that have experienced loss, did you reach out to support groups or other moms who were loss mamas? Was it a positive experience? If any of you out there need resources, please contact me and I will do my best to link you to a group that is active in your area.