A few days ago, a long ignored back problem I’ve had for about a year reared its ugly head and landed me in the ER and then the hospital for 3 days. It hit just as my family came back from Baby C’s 3rd birthday party. That day, I hadn’t felt even a twinge of the usually nagging but tolerable pain I’ve had on and off throughout the year, but as soon as I came inside and put down the bags of presents and food, I suddenly couldn’t stand back up. Thankfully my mom was in town for Baby C’s party, so my husband and I went to the ER shortly after Baby C went to sleep. I was released a few hours later, but the pain was so bad I couldn’t make it home. For the next 3 days, I sat in a hospital bed, undergoing tests, taking meds, and talking to doctors.
The effect of this adventure on Baby C has been astounding, and has really made me think about kids and emotions in a whole new way. I hadn’t really thought about what this all might mean to her. I travel for work and with friends periodically, so she’s used to me being away overnight from her. She’s been without my husband and I and with my mom for a few days before. She’s an incredibly independent kid who’s never really gone through a clingy phase, and a curious kid who’s very into doctor play right now, so I actually thought that the most reaction this would all garner would be wanting to give me extra check-ups. Little did I know that mommy being in a hospital turned out to be fairly traumatic for the kiddo, and made me think a lot about parent-child connections.
My mom, who stayed a few extra days to help out, observed Baby C’s reactions in real time, and a few things she noted were really fascinating – perhaps coincidences, but my gut tells me it’s not that simple. For example, Baby C sleeps pretty solidly through the night, but the night we went to the ER, she woke up around 12:30 and had a very hard time settling back down, insisting that my mom hold her. She had no idea that we weren’t home – we left after she was in bed – but she wouldn’t settle until almost exactly the time that my husband came back home to pick up some things before turning back to the ER. For the next couple of days, Baby C repeatedly asked my mom if she was staying with us longer, and when she saw my husband in the hospital room with me during a FaceTime call, the look of panic in her eyes was so incredible that I made my husband leave to make sure he got home before she fell asleep to assure her that he’s OK. My mom told me that Baby C was very restless that evening, but once she saw my husband get home, she relaxed and fell asleep immediately – notable, because this is a kid has never taken less than a half hour to settle down to sleep. Similarly, when I finally got released and came home, she has refused to let Mr. Carrot near her, insisting on being at my side, and she’s been falling asleep almost instantly if I sit with her for a few minutes, even though this has been our routine for years anyway and she’s always needed more time on her own before she could finally fall asleep.
I consider myself a fairly intelligent person when it comes to emotions, but this experience made me realize that I was really not giving real due to the complexity of my kid’s feelings. Although her world is a fairly simple one and her ability to articulate that something is bothering her is limited, her emotional responses have clearly shown that there is so much more happening in her head and heart than I am able to fathom.
The last few days have been a struggle. Baby C is a fairly even tempered kid, and I’ve counted myself lucky to not have had to deal with tantrums, defiance and full-on behavioral problems. For the few days after I got home, she was visibly agitated, raising her voice, quick to cry and lose composure over every little thing, and incredibly demanding. It’s possible that we’re entering the “threenager” years, but given recent events and her response, I’ve been trying to do everything I can to assure her that everything and everyone is OK, and finding every bit of patience I can to comfort her and be kind rather than raising my own voice and pushing hard limits on her. It’s a tough balance, making sure that we stick to our rules but also giving her enough leeway to feel safe and comforted and loved.
Most books on responding to toddlers’ emotions talk about articulating their feelings for them – ie, “I know you’ve been scared about Mommy being gone” – but I struggle with this. It feels awkward and sometimes inauthentic – after all, I’m merely guessing at what she’s feeling, in this case. Instead, I’ve been trying to simply take a softer approach, pick my battles, and give her as much physical comfort as I can. If she’s bursting into tears over having her socks being the wrong color, I let her pick whatever socks she wants, because who cares, really. If she’s suddenly yelling about wanting her cereal in a blue bowl rather than the one her cereal is already in, I’ve been reminding her that we don’t yell, we ask for things nicely, and decide in that moment whether I want to bother arguing about the bowl (usually I would to avoid being too permissive, but in times like these it’s not a battle worth fighting). And when she’s finally eating that cereal, whatever bowl it ends up in, I’ll sit next to her and rub her hand and hopefully remind her that everything is OK.
This weekend – a week after my hospital adventure – we made sure to keep things as normal as possible. Our usual errands together, and some fun things for the kiddo to help take her mind off things, and the calm that came back to her was evident. She finally let her dad settle her down to bed, and small toddler-isms stayed just that rather than turning into meltdowns. And then – a teachable moment.
During breakfast on Sunday, Baby C was watching Sid the Science Kid and started asking repeatedly and anxiously where Sid’s mommy was during a scene where Sid’s grandmother came to pick him up from school. It might have been another coincidence (did my 3 year old really equate a grandmother pickup for Sid to herself being cared for by her grandmother while her mom was in the hospital and thinking the same thing happened to Sid’s mom?), but the similarity of the situation was the perfect opportunity to tell her that her mom and dad love her no matter what, and they will be there for her no matter what. Sometimes life just happens – Sid’s mom had to take care of Sid’s baby brother and that’s why Sid’s grandma picked him up from school – but even if mom isn’t there at that moment, someone will always take care of her and mom will be back, no matter what happens, no question.
Have your kids had any surprising emotional reactions? How did you help them manage their emotions?
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
My dad has been in the hospital for the past few weeks and I’ve spent Tues/Thurs and chunks of the weekend with him. This alone has been an upheaval for my almost 3-yr-old, who is used to me spending every evening and most of the weekend with her. She’s been acting very similarily to your LO. It’s a trying time.
persimmon / 1165 posts
We just lost my father-in-law last week. He was in hospice when he passed and DH and I spent the better part of last week away from our boys. My parents watched them at their house while we were dealing with everything, and then I brought them home while DH stayed behind longer. It’s definitely had an impact on their behavioral responses to normal situations. I’ve been constantly reminding myself to give them greater grace on how they’re acting and even though we haven’t yet told them what happened, they know that last week was not the norm for our family.
apricot / 409 posts
It’s amazing how much little kids pick up and I think they understand more than we realize. My just turned 2 yr old is also acting similar but it’s been going on for a while. I was pregnant and on home bed rest for a couple months and then in the hospital for 1.5 weeks. After I returned home 6 weeks ago she’s been extremely clingy to me and won’t let daddy change her diaper or feed her, etc. Everything is mommy do. She also has a lot of dramatic toddler meltdowns. I think part of it is normal terrible 2s and part is due to all the emotional stress and changes in her life. It is a tough balance and alot of times lately I’m just too exhausted and let her win the more minor battles.
guest
We had almost the same situation. This winter just after my son turned 3, I hurt my back and was in the hospital for about a week. I am also pregnant. We had behavioral challenges flair up a bit after. We had my mom here for a bit and then my MIL. It went from me being the primary parent to me basically being on bedrest for a month. Time really helped and talking about it. He is still building “mommy’s hospital” with his blocks. I have a friend he gets nervous around because she took him for a night when I first went to the hospital. I am having a c section in a month so we have been preping him. He knows I went to the hospital and they helped make me better. We talk about I’ll be going again so they can take baby sister out.
You just do the best you can do to get through it. Talking about it a lot helps them process. I recommend a grabber for picking up toys also.
guest
You mentioned not being able to give words to Baby Carrots feelings as you struggle to understand fully what she might be feeling.
I wonder if simply giving voice to everything that happened, based on the facts rather than the emotions, would help. Also, you could give voice to your feelings. A similar thing has helped with my LO. Could look like: “Mommy went to the hospital with the doctors because my back really hurt. But then the doctors helped me, and I came home. It still hurts sometimes. I felt sad to be away from you, but it made me happy when I talked to you,” “Grandma was here to take care of you. That was a special thing she did to help us out because she loves us. She took good care of you, but does she do things different than mommy? Yes, she does.” etc. etc.
Hope your health is better. This phase with the LO will pass as things settle back down. GL!
nectarine / 2521 posts
I hope your pain is gone and they have figured out what is wrong!
I spent the weekend in bed having a miscarriage. My husband kept our 2 year old and they did tons of fun stuff together with an occasional visit to see me upstairs. He seemed to be handling it very well until the 2nd night at 1 a.m. when he woke up crying. He wouldn’t calm down until daddy brought him to our room and he could see me, and then he had to sleep snuggled up next to me the rest of the night.
I also broke down today in tears and he crawled up in my lap and cried real tears with me. He has a very tender heart that catches me by surprise sometimes.