Hellobee

Between our two boys, we used more than seven different types of formula. With Lion, we tried six different types of formula before setting on a blend of two types. With Panda, we tried four types of formula (three of which we tried with Lion, as well), before finding one that works for him, for a total of seven types of formula. In addition, we tried samples of other formula brands, but didn’t get through a full container of formula so I haven’t counted them in my tally.

With both kids, I didn’t produce very much breastmilk and had to supplement very early. When Lion was two days old, the house pediatrician at the hospital discharged him but warned us that he was borderline for being kept due to jaundice and his loss of weight. He was a percentage point down from the cutoff for being kept due to jaundice and had lost nine percent of his birth weight (the hospital doesn’t discharge if a baby has lost ten percent or more). The pediatrician discharged Lion with the strict instruction that we had to be seen by our regular pediatrician the following day. We made the appointment for 2pm.

We took home our brand new baby boy, simultaneously excited, proud, and terrified, as many new parents are. Our first few hours at home proceeded much like the past two days in the hospital. Lion was very sleepy, still in the newborn coma phase. We took countless pictures of him to send to our eager parents (Lion was the first grandchild on both sides of the family). We fed Lion on demand and it seemed like he was cluster feeding in the early evening. All seemed to be going fine.

Then, sometime in the middle of the night, Lion started shrieking. I would breastfeed for fifteen minutes on both sides as I was instructed to do in the hospital. An hour later, he started shrieking again. As the night progressed and made way to morning, the time between feedings got closer together. We tried giving him a pacifier, and he seemed desperate to have it, but would inevitably lose it and start shrieking again. I assumed he hadn’t yet figured out how to use a pacifier. I could see Mr. Dolphin growing more and more distressed, with an, “Uh oh. What did we get ourselves into?” look on his face. I tried to stay positive and said, “Well, babies cry sometimes.” It got to the point where Lion would try to breastfeed for a minute or two and then start shrieking again.

When we got to the doctor’s office, the pediatrician immediately asked how Lion had been eating. When I explained how often we were trying to feed him and his response over the last 12 hours with the increasing screaming and crying, she nodded and immediately explained that I wasn’t producing enough milk to satisfy Lion. She gave us a box of Enfamil Newborn (Formula #1) ready to use 2 oz bottles and suggested we try it, giving Lion half an ounce at a time. While we continued to chat with her, Lion gulped it down and ate nearly the entire bottle. She explained that we should breastfeed and then top him off with some formula. She also instructed us to wake him every two hours to feed him until he got back up to his birth weight and gave me tips on pumping and how to get my milk supply up. Mr. Dolphin literally kissed the box of formula, grateful that non-stop shrieking and crying was not considered normal baby behavior. After just two meals using the formula as a supplement, Mr. Dolphin proclaimed, “We have our Lion back!”

A very early picture of Lion with his favorite toy.

I was definitely grateful that Lion had calmed down and happy that the formula was filling him up. However, I also felt so. much. guilt. I was devastated and even though our pediatrician is one of the nicest people I have ever met, what I heard her say (in my head, not actually the words that came out of her mouth, obviously) was, “You are starving your child! You’re a failure of a mother!” Later that evening, as I was breastfeeding Lion on the floor of our living room, I burst into tears and started saying many irrational things to Mr. Dolphin. “I failed him!” I started crying. “I don’t want to give him formula! I can’t stop crying and now my milk will be sad and it will make Lion sad!” Yes, I actually said that my milk was sad.

Mr. Dolphin and I were both definitely surprised by my reaction—likely a combination of the baby blues, the fact that breastfeeding on the right side was actually causing a shooting pain for me at that time, and just general feelings of pressure—because until I gave birth, I had been very ambivalent about breastfeeding. Both my brother (ten years younger than I am) and I were formula fed and despite the “breast is best” mantra, I didn’t really see the harm in formula. But when I felt that it was no longer my choice, that I wasn’t producing enough milk, I felt like I was letting Lion down and failing as a mother. Additionally, when Mr. Dolphin and I had conversations about breastmilk versus formula prior to giving birth, it was very obvious that he wanted me to breastfeed. On most issues, Mr. Dolphin didn’t have a strong opinion, but because he was so clear in his preference for breast milk, I felt like I was letting him down, too. It didn’t matter how many times Mr. Dolphin tried to reassure me that it was only a preference and that he would rather have Lion be healthy eating formula than have me on the floor in a crying heap, I still felt that Mr. Dolphin was secretly judging me. Again, I think the baby blues may have had something to do with this perception.

After several days, I did get over my guilt and learned to embrace formula. At his next weight check a week later, he was close to his original birth weight and I felt that I could breathe again. The formula was helping him grow and be happy and healthy. The fact that we used formula beginning on day three also helped me when I made the decision to stop breastfeeding and pumping. I didn’t have a very good relationship with either when Lion was an infant and my supply was always minimal; after an entire day of pumping when I went back to work at six weeks post-partum, I couldn’t even produce enough breastmilk for a single feeding. Knowing that he was growing well with the formula made it easier for me to stop breastfeeding without as much guilt.