Hellobee

Time has slowly moved on and I am no longer in the weeds of PPA. I still don’t feel quite normal, but I feel better and that is a huge relief. I’ve had a lot of time to think about why this happened and how I could have done things differently. Honestly, I feel like I should have seen it coming. I know that is futile thinking, but I have had a tendency towards anxiety my entire life, and I remember in December feeling incredibly low and anxious after Christmas and I didn’t truly pay attention to it then. I felt like I had the post holiday blues, but it just got worse and worse as the weeks went on. By the time I really recognized that what was happening was not normal, I was so exhausted by all the worry that I didn’t know what to do.

So here’s what I did. I reached out to some friends. I told them how I was feeling and I cried with them. They supported me, encouraged me to seek therapy or medication. They checked in with me, answered questions I had, answered my texts at 3 am. I forced myself to go to my midwife, Katie, and let her know that I was feeling like I had PPA or PPD and I was not ok. She got me in for an appointment within a week. That was my biggest step, just making that call and going in for that appointment. She was running really late for the appointment, and as I sat in the room waiting for her, I was panicking in my mind. So much in fact that I was physically ill. I immediately started crying when she came into the room and she was so incredibly sweet and kind and understanding.

She recommended a therapist to start talking to, and then to consider the possibility of starting some medication to help re-set my brain. I called and got into the therapist that week and after the very first session, I had the first moment of feeling better. I just felt relieved to get the words out and to have a person validate that I was feeling things that were normal for somebody dealing with anxiety. I saw her twice a week for two weeks, then once a week for a month, and now we are meeting every third or fourth week, depending on how I am doing. After a month of meeting with her, she recommended I speak with my midwife about starting medication as well as therapy. So I went back and talked with Katie about medication and the safety of breastfeeding while on medication. She prescribed a medication that is “safe” for breastfeeding and started me at the lowest medicinal dose.

I am not going to sugarcoat this; the first week of the medication was miserable. I was exhausted, foggy, and just plain out of it. I didn’t feel capable of taking care of the kids on my own, so I asked for help. About four days into the meds, I laughed really hard at something I saw on TV, and it freaked me out. I seriously hadn’t laughed like that in at least a year. A week later, and I felt lighter, less stressed, less worried. Driving is still my biggest trigger and while I am still hesitant to drive, it is becoming much easier. I feel happier and I don’t feel myself getting as frustrated. Its been a little over a month now, and the difference is very evident. Mr. Cereal has said I am much calmer and much easier to interact with. I can tell that my brain is more relaxed and I don’t feel the constant bubbling of worry just under the surface. Not having to constantly feel like I need to keep the worry under control is an incredible relief.

One thing I have come to realize is that I spent the last year or so totally focused on the kids and making sure that they were ok. I think that this is partly because this was the one area where I felt needed the most of my attention. The kids needed me and I could keep it together enough to take good care of them. But in doing so, I neglected the relationship between Mr. Cereal and me. As I start to feel more and more normal, I feel a real pull to reconnect with Mr. Cereal. He really has been amazing and supportive. He helped me navigate one of the worst times in my life. I just feel incredibly lucky to have such a supportive spouse. The other thing that I have really realized is how hard it is to ask for help and how scary it is to admit that something is wrong. For me, being in control of my situation was always a big deal, and not being able to get back into control was really hard.

I am lucky that I was able to find good resources to help me. And that I have good friends and an incredible husband. I worry about dealing with anxiety for the rest of my life. But for now, I want to focus on getting better and being a great mom and wife.