I posted a few months ago about building up a freezer stash of milk for when I headed back to work full time. I knew that I wanted to breastfeed Baby Oats until he was a year old; I’d nursed Little Oats until she was 16 months, so I didn’t see a problem with this at all. I figured the 100 oz or so I had in the freezer would be enough of a head start that I could pump daily and keep a decent stash of milk. After all, I was only gone long enough for Baby Oats to need one 5-6oz bottle, so that should be easy with my big supply, right?
The first day I was back to work full time, I packed up my pump, cold packs and insulated bag. I got to work, checked out my FULL schedule, and realized that I was seeing patients straight through until 12:30 pm – and then again at 1:00 pm. Perfect; there was a half hour for lunch where I could pump what I needed, and 8:00am to 12:30pm wasn’t really that long without pumping or nursing.
12:30 rolled around, and there was a mandatory company-wide conference call. Without an office with a locking door, and only half hour for lunch and the call, I didn’t think I’d be able to fit in a pumping session. I was starting to ache a little, but figured I went 8-10 hours at night without nursing, so I’d survive.
At 2:3opm, I thought I had a break between patients, so I got my pump ready and thought I would just sneak to the bathroom to relieve some pressure. Unfortunately, just as I was getting up to go, a patient arrived with a broken hearing aid that needed repair. I set down my pump, and got back to work.
Finally, 4:30 rolled around, and I finished writing medical reports for the last of my patients. Thankfully, I was only about 5 minutes from home, so my rock-solid chest didn’t have to wait much longer for relief. I drove home (probably speeding), and latched Baby Oats on the second I got in the door. I pumped the other side at the same time, hoping that I’d at least get enough milk for the next day. I certainly was engorged enough. After pumping for 15 minutes, unlatching Baby Oats and pumping the other side for 15 minutes, I had 2 ounces of milk. TWO OUNCES. After an entire day of no nursing, no pumping….two ounces. A third of what I needed for the following day. That’s fine, I thought – I’ll pump before bed, and then tomorrow at work I’ll be able to pump again at lunch.
Before I went to bed that night, I started to pump. And after 30 minutes, I had less than half an ounce. Sure that my body just needed to adjust to my new schedule, I kept pumping twice daily; once when I got home from work, and once before bed. And each time, the milk barely covered the bottom of the bottle.
My pump came to work with me, because I had the best intentions…but I’ve been back to work for three months now, and I’ll tell you…I haven’t been able to pump at work. My day is packed with patients, I have no private, locking office to pump in, and unfortunately, because of the one-year maternity leaves that are the norm here in Canada, pumping time isn’t something that is commonly allowed at workplaces. I’d pump on my commute, but 3/5 days my commute is about 5 minutes long. I’d pump at lunch, but again – there are conference calls, walk in patients, and the fact that I would have to sit in a cramped bathroom stall for upwards of 25 minutes, just to save up a measly ounce or so.
By my fourth week back to work, the freezer stash I had worked so hard for was gone. I pumped when I could, usually pumping one side while Baby Oats nursed on the other. Occasionally, I could manage enough milk for the next day, but I was quickly finding that I was going to need to supplement with something. All of the water, fenugreek, brewer’s yeast, and Mother’s Milk tea wasn’t doing anything to increase my pumping output (neither were new flanges or filters on the pump), and I was getting frustrated and depressed. My growing boy was 10 months old, and still needed that mid-day bottle.
So, about a month ago, I went out to the store and bought a box of Alimentum. At our grocery store, it only comes in ready-to-serve cans, and 4 cans are about $8. Thankfully, Baby Oats was managing just fine on a 4oz bottle with his lunch, which meant that each can of formula lasted two days. $8 for 8 bottles seemed a little steep (after all, breastmilk is free!), but it was worth it to save my sanity.
Mr. O texted me a photo of Baby Oats, guzzling down his first bottle of formula, and I have to admit, it hurt. I had never, in 16 months of nursing, had to give Little Oats anything except breastmilk, and I felt as though I had failed. 10 months wasn’t the year that I was planning on, and I (thought) I felt people silently judging me as I loaded the grocery cart with boxes of Alimentum. I see ‘friends’ post rants about breast being best, and linking to poorly-conducted studies about babies on formula not being as smart, tall, strong, healthy….insert word here.
And then one day, while talking to a good friend about supplementing with formula, she reassured me of something. For ten whole months, I had fed a baby using only milk my body produced. Even now, at eleven months, I’m STILL feeding this baby with my milk. Just because he isn’t getting 100% breastmilk, he’s still growing and thriving. Why is supplementing with formula any different than adding solid foods to a baby’s diet?
I’m really not trying to start any sort of debate about nursing vs formula feeding, nor do I think I’m any sort of expert on supplementing. But I got really down on myself for “failing” at my goal, and I still get a bit of a knot in my stomach when I can’t seem to pump anything at all. But here we are, with Baby Oats turning 11 months in a day or two, and he is a perfectly happy, healthy boy. He drinks his formula at lunch, and nurses a few times while I’m home. I’ve stopped stressing out about pumping at work, and I’m just enjoying the time that I do get nursing snuggles. My body is adjusting, my baby is adjusting, and I think we’re going to make it to the one-year mark just fine (even if it isn’t exactly how I pictured it!).
blogger / nectarine / 2043 posts
I’m so sorry your work environment doesn’t allow for pumping, that’s a real bummer. But I’m so glad everything si working out OK, even if it does make you feel sad every so often. I remember you saying that you were excited about this job opportunity and going back to work earlier than you had planned, so maybe one way to help relieve some of that sadness you get occasionally is to remember the enjoyment you get out of your work and hopefully that will make things feel a little more at ease.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
I felt the same way! I was able to pump at work mostly, but sometimes meetings and what not got in the way so it really messed up my already low supply, and I had to supplement by 6 months and wean by 9 months. I still travel between feeling guilty that I didn’t “try” hard enough, and feeling like I did the best I could and I didn’t want to loose my sanity over it. I’m hoping #2 will go easier this time!
pear / 1547 posts
10 months is great! I also work in patient care and having to make time that didn’t exist before so I could pump made me feel like a bad doctor. Luckily I had an oversupply and could get away with pretty minimal pumping sessions and still have milk to spare. But it’s so hard when you’re picking patient care over pumping.
coconut / 8279 posts
Before I had my son I thought I had it all figured out with how I was going to pump at work. I guess I didn’t really understand the ‘supply and demand’ that triggers your body to make more milk. If I didn’t pump for x hours, my body was thinking that I didn’t need milk for x hours and would adjust. I would nurse all weekend, so Monday I usually had plenty but by Friday, I was pumping droplets. It was really frustrating and nothing I could’ve understood before having the baby.
I have no idea how some women are able to pump 2 or 3 times a workday and get enough for their babies! I was so stressed and with work interruptions it was the biggest challenge. I felt like a failure of a mom and an employee. Looking back I wish I didn’t put so much pressure on myself.
nectarine / 2433 posts
I am in Canada as well and I can tell you that even though maternity leave can be up to a year employers are required to accommodate you should you return to work before your child is 12 months old and you want to pump. I actually looked into the regulations in detail because I was returning when my DD was 5 months old. On the other hand I know how hard it is to fit the time in between clients and meetings.
guest
I had an oversupply with my first. Now number 2 is 4 months old and I am getting very near needing to supplement. It is so frustrating knowing I threw milk out after my older daughter turned 2, and now I am barely making enough for this baby. It’s definitely the work schedule that has done it–trying to convince myself it’s okay to go longer between pumping sessions than it really is.
blogger / persimmon / 1225 posts
Hugs to you, your kids have an amazing mama!
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
I think you get kudos for trying! I went back to work at 10 months too and didn’t even try to pump. I asked my pediatrician about cows milk at 10 months and she said it was fine for that one meal and that’s what she had done too! I went on to breastfeed until LO was 21 months. Formula or cows milk does not negate the breastfeeding, so I’m glad your friends reminded you of that!
guest
For those in similar situations – remember it never hurts to ask! I also work in a outpatient office, and I was able to block off one patient visit in the morning and afternoons pump, so I pump 3 times a day including lunch. I pump in the office I share with 4 other people (though usually only 1 or 2 are there with me). I just wear a nursing cover. Normalize pumping! That said, I’m in te US and pumping is common since we go back to work so early.
I’ve also read an article (can’t recall link, sorry) about your ‘magic number’. Your breasts need to empty a certain number of times a day (by nursing or pumping) to keep up your supply, otherwise your body thinks you are weaning. Everyone’s number is different, but usually 6-9. Had I known that with my first I might have been able to avoid formula longer – I wasn’t pumping enough and no amount of fenugreek can fix that!