Hellobee

While Lion and Panda are still young and they’ve only co-existed for eight months, they currently get along very well and we hope that their sibling bond will continue to grow as they get older. Lion is undoubtedly Panda’s favorite person in the entire world and he lights up when he sees his big brother, giving him the biggest smiles and his rare laughs. Sometimes, when we’re reading together, Panda will stop paying attention to the pages and just stare at Lion’s face. Lion is just as enamored with his brother and the first thing he says when he wakes up in the morning (if Panda isn’t in the crib next to him) is, “Where’s Panda? I want to find Panda!” and literally jumps up and down with excitement when he sees his brother. He gives Panda his love and attention, showers him with hugs and kisses, and is genuinely concerned about Panda’s happiness. I sometimes tell Mr. Dolphin that my favorite thing about having Panda is watching our two little guys play together.

Playing together and watching trains. Not entirely sure what Panda is doing. 

While they will undoubtedly have their share of fighting, we hope that at the end of the day they love each other unconditionally, will stick up for each other, and will grow to be the best of friends. My own brother and I are ten years apart and while I love him dearly, that age gap has impacted our friendship. Mr. Dolphin and his brother are just over two years apart, but they were never close growing up and didn’t develop much of a close relationship until they became adults. With these experiences in mind, we have actively tried to foster a healthy and loving relationship. Here’s what we’ve done so far: 

Saying Hello To the Baby During Pregnancy

When Lion was about fifteen months old, he became very interested in babies. Whenever he saw an infant when we were out grocery shopping, he would shout, “Baby!” and want to follow it around the store. We figured we could capitalize on his interest by explaining that Mama had a baby in her stomach.

In the mornings and evenings Lion would want to help put lotion on my stomach and “say hi baby,” patting my stomach gently and sometimes leaning in for a kiss. Randomly throughout the day, he would often run over and insist, “Say hi baby!” or point and tell me, “Baby in there!” We would ask him if he wanted the baby to come out, if he wanted a new baby in the house, etc. Because he spent about three months saying hello to the baby in my stomach each day and talking about it, he may have been more excited about Panda’s arrival.

Hospital Introduction

We had read from a lot of different sources that we should make sure that when Lion met Panda for the first time, Panda should be in the hospital bassinet or on the bed, not in my arms. I made sure that Mr. Dolphin called my cell phone to let me know when he was about to get in the elevator and head to my room to ensure that I could put Panda down. I don’t know if it had any effect, to be honest, but it certainly didn’t do any harm. Lion was very interested in Panda immediately, but also shy. He kept saying “baby,” over and over again. When it was time for Mr. Dolphin and Lion to go home, Lion was thrilled to give his baby brother a kiss.

Lion was obsessed with his brother from the start.

Gift from Panda to Lion

Several of my friends (as well as posts on Hellobee) suggested that we give Lion a gift from the baby the first time they meet, so that Lion would have a positive impression from the start. These friends all had kids who were a bit older than Lion was when they had their second child. While Lion was eighteen months at Panda’s birth, my friends had age gaps for their children of two to four years. Surprisingly, there did seem to be a big enough difference between an eighteen month and twenty-four month old and I wasn’t sure whether Lion would really understand. Still, I figured there was no harm in trying.

Lion loves trains, especially his Thomas the Tank Engine collection. We had purchased a huge lot of trains, fixtures and tracks from Craigslist before his first birthday and have been slowly giving some to him at each holiday. For this occasion, though, we wanted to give him something extra special and I purchased a Bertie the Bus for him because it is always his favorite character in the books. I wrapped it up and had Panda “give” it to Lion when they met. Well, Lion opened it and immediately handed it back to Panda, saying, “For baby!” Even when we said, “No, it’s for Lion! Baby wants to give it to you,” he repeatedly handed it back, insisting that it was for the baby.

When we brought Panda home from the hospital the next day, Lion insisted on putting Bertie the Bus in Panda’s carseat and when we finally arrived home, before I could even pull Panda out of the seat, Lion had run to his room and returned with three more trains. He placed all of them on top of Panda!

Even today, he gives Panda his favorite trains. 

I stand by my earlier thoughts: I don’t think Lion understood in the least what was going on, but it certainly didn’t hurt to try. It was also really sweet watching Lion repeatedly give the toy back to his little brother and share even more toys once we returned home.

Not Blaming Panda

Sometimes, a baby takes attention away from the firstborn which can understandably be difficult. While we tried to give Lion as much attention as possible, there were certainly times where we had to tend to Panda’s needs first. Sometimes, we would be out at the park and only have one bottle for Panda, so would need to return home. Instead of saying that we needed to go back so that Panda could eat, I would say “It’s so hot out today and we’re out of water! Mama needs to go back home and drink water.” I got this idea from Mrs. Pizza and I think has really helped ensure that Lion doesn’t resent his younger brother for all of the attention that infants do need (even low maintenance ones).

Panda at four days old (and his face already scratched by little infant claws).

Asking Lion for Help With Panda . . .

When I was about 24 weeks pregnant, at Lion’s fifteen-month well visit, we asked his pediatrician if she had any suggestions for easing the transition to two children. She said that with a young toddler, it’s not always clear what they will understand but that we should talk to him and explain that we would have a new baby. Another one of her suggestions was to ask Lion for help after Panda was born, especially when Panda was crying. She said that we could ask Lion what Panda needed (like a bottle, a new diaper or to sleep) and said that Lion would probably be correct with his answer (in part because there is a limited number of things an infant needs). She suggested that we could ask Lion to help get the bottle or to put diapers in a place Lion could reach and ask him to get one ready. I think toddlers love feeling helpful, especially if they have a “real” job to do and Lion really enjoyed giving a helping hand in those newborn days. He would run to the kitchen when Mr. Dolphin would start mixing up a bottle and insist on shaking it, then run it over to me and Panda.

Helping Panda by giving him a pacifier.

Today, Lion still loves to help with Panda. Although shaking up the bottle has lost some of its novelty, he still likes to feel useful. If we are getting ready for work, we will ask Lion to entertain Panda and he will start pulling out toys to show his brother. He enjoys giving Panda a bath, carrying Panda’s lunchbox in to the daycare, and putting his brother to bed.

. . . But Not Pushing It If He Says No

Sometimes, when I would ask if Lion wanted to help change Panda’s diaper or shake up the bottle, he would say no. I would immediately drop it and not think twice about it. I didn’t want Lion to feel like he had to help each and every time Panda needing something. I didn’t want Lion to think that Panda was just a lot of work, or a burden, or infringing on his play time too much. While Lion still thinks of Panda very much as his own personal playmate, there are simply times when he is engrossed in whatever he is doing. I wanted to make sure he knew it was okay to say no.

Involving Lion in Decisions About Panda

One of Lion’s favorite things to do in the mornings is help pick out what shirt Panda is going to wear. Sometimes, he will pick out similar clothes—like they will both wear their Batman shirts, or he will pick out a onesie with crabs on it for Panda and then a shirt with sharks and crabs for himself. He also enjoys deciding what flavor puffs Panda wants for a snack or what fruit to cut up for Panda’s lunchbox. He really does think about it and make decisions based on what he thinks Panda will want. For example, he will tell me, “Panda wants mango! It makes him happy now!” and sure enough, when I give it to Panda, he will respond with a smile or laugh, which Lion is all too happy to point out to me.

Some mornings, Lion insists that they wear similar clothing.

Pointing Out Panda’s Reactions to Lion

Ever since Panda turned about two months old, he lights up when Lion is around. Mr. Dolphin or I could be playing with Panda, then all of a sudden, Lion appears and Panda will flash him a giant smile. Lion loves the fact that Panda reserves the biggest smiles for him and that Panda’s laughter really only comes out for his big brother. Lion is very proud of his ability to make Panda happy and will constantly point out, “Look, Mama! He’s happy now!”

Asking Lion to Teach Panda

Lion is always super excited for Panda to learn new things, especially if he think he had a hand in teaching the new skill. Before 8am, the toddlers and infants are in the same room at his daycare, and the teachers encourage the older kids to help out with the younger ones. Lion will pull out a box of animals to show his little brother and explain what each one is. Lion also enjoys reading to Panda, feeds him avocado, and teaches his brother baby sign language words for “more,” “please” and “thank you.” Sometimes, if we’re busy and Lion wants our attention, we can ask him to show Panda how to connect the trains together or stack blocks and Lion becomes distracted and engaged with his brother.

Watching his big brother intently.

Praising Lion for His Positive Sibling Interactions

Lion is pretty good about sharing toys with Panda, singing him songs, giving him hugs and kisses and just generally playing with him. We try to praise Lion for this positive behavior, both directly (“Thank you for sharing, Lion! Panda appreciates when you share your toys!”) and indirectly (me saying to Mr. Dolphin loudly enough for Lion to hear, “Isn’t Lion a great big brother? He’s always taking good care of Panda. This morning, he was reading the animal book to Panda!”). Lion enjoys the praise and I want to make sure that he doesn’t think his good behavior goes unnoticed.

One of Lion’s favorite activities is taking a bath . . . but only if Panda joins him! Lion loves to help wash Panda and Panda responds with squeals and splashes.

Celebrating Each of Their Milestones

As an infant, Panda is constantly reaching new milestones and we like to celebrate them. Lion is really pleased, especially when we tell him that Panda wants to be like him (whether that’s eating certain foods at dinner or banging on pots and pans with a spoon). He also celebrates Panda’s milestones and will shout, “Yay!” and start clapping, or run to find us and say “He’s crawling now!” Lion gets so excited that he will get down on all fours and crawl next to his brother.

Lion celebrating Panda’s milestone of rolling over at four months. Panda would only roll when Lion was around, though!

We don’t want Lion to feel like we never celebrate his milestones, though. We make sure to point out when we notice that he’s learned new things, like taking the stairs with alternating feet or surprising us with the new words we learned. We will encourage Panda to clap for Lion, and Lion appreciates that his brother joins in the joy.

Asking Lion to Share with Panda and Making Sure Panda Shares in Return

We ask Lion to share a lot and about ninety-five percent of the time, he is really good about it. He will generally happily give his brother a Thomas the Tank Engine train (even if it’s one of his favorites, sometimes especially if it’s a favorite), let him hold one of his books, or give him some Cheerios. Sometimes, he needs a little bit of prodding and we will remind him that Panda will give the toy back. Usually, if we ask “Can Panda have it for two minutes?” he will nod and say “two minutes” and hand it over. The two minute trick has worked really well for us. After two minutes, we do make sure to have Panda return the toy and tell Lion, “See? He gave it back. He always gives it back.” At this point, Lion will often hand it back over to Panda within a minute, if not immediately. He likes to share when he knows that it’s not going to disappear forever.

Sometimes, Panda will have something that Lion wants. Lion is obsessed with the puffs we give Panda, so we will take some off Panda’s high chair and hand them to Lion, making a point of explaining that they are sharing.

Modeling Behavior/Not Saying “No” Too Often

A month or two ago, we would tell Panda not to eat a certain toy or not to do something, like inadvertently push Lion. Lion starting picking up on it and telling Panda “no” a lot too. We would tell Panda if he pushed Lion, “No, don’t do that! Lion doesn’t like it.” Then, suddenly Lion was constantly telling Panda, “I don’t like that! No, don’t do that!” There was a definite shift in their relationship for those weeks, until we realized that Lion was copying us and we stopped. We started modeling the behavior we wanted Lion to exhibit to Panda and tried to minimize the amount of times we said “no” to Panda, especially because many of those times we were saying no were (we thought) for Lion’s benefit. Even as we had been resisting intervening when Lion plays a bit rough with Panda (as much as possible, anyway), we weren’t doing the same on the other side of the equation. Once we stopped and sometimes explained that Panda didn’t mean to hit Lion, he just doesn’t fully understand what he’s doing, their relationship returned to a very happy place.

Sharing a bottle of water at the recent Zoo Fiesta event.